h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I oyster remember when that was in style.

the tried to mussel in, but they weren't welk'comed

Meanwhile a heard of cattle had a whale of a time

Nearby, some whales had a podcast

The orchard owner had a bad temper. We feared he might die of appleplexy.

he's safe, orchard owners only die in pears

I hope you got that form an im-peach-able source.

I got it from a pear and apple source

Which fruit must be courted traditionally? Cantaloupe.

I wrote a scientific paper on fruit bearing trees which was titled "A branch of a theory that bears fruit and that my paper stated that a pears to be a connection to the theory that has many applecations to fruit grown in orchards which is known as the peach de resistance.

Some plumbers have the plum of all the jobs and would be rewarded every year with free tickets see the ballet the nutcracker suite where they would watch their favourite character the sugar plum fairy.

I don't have grape expectations from this wine.

I couldn't see a good cow pun if it was steering me in the face.

To expectorate is bad grammar, because it is a spit infinitive.

I expect to rate that as a two-cough pun.

Slytherin through the grass seeking to escape notice, coming eye-ball to eye-ball with a rattlesnake that raised its tail as though to rattle, raising his finger to his lips, our protagonist aspirated, "Shhh!!!".

A very good Slytherin pun ITIWBS

I went to a Star trek themed whist drive where everyone came dressed as their favourite Star Trek character. During the break I whistfully looked around to find people were huddled together drinking Klingon coffee as they discussed the possibility of warp drive becoming a reality.

I got a parsel (parcel) from my cousins which had a book on how to communicate to snakes by speaking parseltongue.

The butcher tried to give me my meat, but I kept talking instead.

"Hold your tongue!" he scolded.

I went for a brisk'et walk with a butcher, ham not joking