h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Recently I encountered someone who decided to go with an unfortunate opening gambit in small talk...

For some bizarre reason, they decided to open a large door for me, even though someone else was already opening the other equally wide half of the double door, and decided it would be a good idea to say, "I'm opening this door as well in case you've got fat since last month".

If I had been able to, I would have asked the person questions about why they chose that particular thing to say, and what impact they thought it would have on me, but I found it so disturbing I had to just keep going forward as if nothing had happened...

Have you ever encountered similarly bizarre small talk? What topics would you choose for polite conversation? I tend to talk about the weather, myself...

No odd and unusual but not unfortunate.

That probably sounded absurdly inappropriate yet witty in their head, like something Hugh Grant might say in a film and get away with using his charm.

Hopefully, his face flushed when he realized it came out as obnoxious as it did.




But to be honest, while I wouldn't say anything like that, I often fail at small talk. I'm often inappropriate but more typically with seeming non sequiturs as my brain makes some bizarre connection with the circumstances that no one else should ever be expected to make. This is often in the form of obscure movie quotes or references.

"That probably sounded absurdly inappropriate yet witty in their head, like something Hugh Grant might say in a film and get away with using his charm."

Exactly. That's probably the kind of thing I would say too for the above reason and instantly regret it . Yet such lines are something of a gamble which can very occasionally pay off if said just at the right moment to catch a person with the right sense of humour who's in the right kind of mood just at that moment.

Yeah, it's a long shot !

If the line was directed at me, I also can't really imagine being offended though. At worst I would just gaze at them and say "what? What on earth are you talking about?"

At best I'd go along with it and reply with something equally absurd. Yeah I'd probably to that in fact as long as they seemed embarrassed; I hate to see other people in that 'ground open up now' situation and always tend to try to ease their pain.. even if they don't really warrant the generosity

If I know the person well, I will probably ask about their general condition or situation, or any known family.

If I know the person as a casual acquaintance, I'll open with some comment or other relevant to the present location and occasion. At a place like our Legion, there is no limit to items to comment on. At a church gathering of the bride's crowd, conditions of the chapel are often a lead as I had a hand in the creation of it nearly 20 years ago. Other ex-military folks, have you heard from such-and-so lately? There's always something harmless rather than the weather or recent political stupidity.

I try to avoid indoor crowded spaces which down the need for small talk, but like Rev Nick I agree it depends on location and occasion. So if I am outside I am more likely to talk about the weather than if I am indoors. If it is a Friday I might ask whether there are plans for the weekend, or a Monday how the weekend went. Or if I'm in the kitchen at work we might discuss how we like our , as some of us use the kettle while others use a hot water dispenser that is on the wall. (I'd never dream of using the hot water dispenser as it keeps the water at coffee temperature, about 90° C, as any hotter and coffee beans burn, whereas needs to be made as close to 100°C as possible and left to brew before milk is added). Or how partner and/or children/other family members are. I tend not to talk about my own family too much to people who don't know them, though.
At work the universal unpopularity of the VC is also a frequent topic.
At the weekend I probably most engage in small talk at parkrun, which revolves around the grass course's condition – whether the ground is solid to run on, or muddy. If it is cold weather is it a penetrating cold that has truly frozen the ground, or is it deceptive in that the ground starts off solid but by the time 300 odd people have run over it 3 times, it has melted to create a mud bath. I've had a lot of conversations about the different types and degrees of mud.

As much as I'd love to say that we have long, intellectual debates on topics such as 'who caused greater, lasting damage to Britain's infrastructure, Adolf Hitler and the Luftwaffe or axeman Dr Beeching?' but we don't. That said, I did have an interesting conversation the other day about what people shout at you when you're out running or cycling.

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" I did have an interesting conversation the other day about what people shout at you when you're out running or cycling"

Now that would make a very interesting entry
Runners and Riders and other road users.

"That probably sounded absurdly inappropriate yet witty in their head, like something Hugh Grant might say in a film and get away with using his charm."

Ah, that makes more sense...

I can be a bit more charitable about it in retrospect, now the words have stopped going round in my brain, as it is true that the person couldn't necessarily be expected to know that I have a tendency towards eating disorder. Then again, someone else told me I looked thin a few weeks ago (and in that case it was a good conversational opening gambit as it turned out we had that in common) so maybe the person could have been more thoughtful...

It used to annoy my partner, too, that people considered her weight to be a good topic of conversation... She always said it was like saying to someone, "You look tall today", which doesn't help anything...

"I hate to see other people in that 'ground open up now' situation and always tend to try to ease their pain.. even if they don't really warrant the generosity"

Yes, me too - I do tend to let a lot of comments go to avoid making a fuss...

Good points about choosing topics that fit with the circumstances - outdoors is most relevant to the weather, while I do have conversations in the kitchen about the fridge and suchlike, true.

That is a shame that the seeming non-sequiturs don't lead to better small talk - it should be a good opening gambit to discuss what your train of thought was...

"I did have an interesting conversation the other day about what people shout at you when you're out running or cycling. "

Fascinating - that was the topic of conversation here this lunchtime...

I have a low tolerance for those "ground open up now" situations. Often those are used as comedy devices in films and TV shows and I just don't find them that funny. I feel the embarrassment too closely. I was a shy kid and was often teased (bullied) which just made me more shy and awkward.


I really hate the modern trend in the comedy of younger generations for awkward social situations. Films like Napoleon Dynamite are filled with scenes that are just awkward social situations and my theory is that millennials laugh at these scenes just as a response to the uncomfortableness they evoke.

Oh? What did they say?

When cycling I tend to get the usual comments like 'your wheels are going round!', if it is dark and I've got my lights on I get comments about looking like a and of course there's the constant 'Pay road tax!' Morons. Don't they know Road Tax was abolished by Winston Churchill in 1936 to prevent motorists thinking they own the roads and can therefore travel at whatever speed they like, and replaced by Vehicle Excise Duty? Roads are subsidised from general taxation (which I pay) and in fact my wage pays the Vehicle Excise Duty on my wife's car - but you can't shout that back when someone shouts 'Pay road tax!' at you.

Another common one is 'roads are for cars!' which again is odd, as the first national organisation to build roads in the UK since the Romans was the Roads Improvement Association (RIA). They developed a nationwide network of tarmacked roads created by cyclists for cyclists before the invention of the motor car – but cyclists, being friendly, later let motorists use their roads too. Now many motorists seem to think cyclists don't belong on the roads that they created.

Alas a lot of the anger that motorists have towards cyclists is because a minority of cyclists don't obey the rules of the road, just as a minority of motorists don't either (most of whom seemingly drive taxis). When people say 'I saw a cyclist ride right through a red light!' when I ask 'was it a teenager? And would it have been better if they were driving a lorry at the time?' you can fairly guarantee what the answers are going to be.

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Oh yeah, I get wheel-based comments too, but I can usually laugh those ones off because people genuinely think they're being funny and don't realise I've heard it all before...

The conversation today included: A cyclist ?randomly shouted strong language at one of my colleagues, who was driving her car, so she countered with 'pay road tax', yes. Another colleague encountered runners who barged her out of the way so strong language was exchanged. Whereas I am careful in my car at one junction in particular because a sizeable minority of drivers on the main road think they can get through before the traffic lights turn red, but they can't actually...

I know what you mean about feeling embarrassment too closely, Baron Grim - I don't know Napoleon Dynamite, but I have seen a few TV programmes recently where I didn't find it funny because I was cringing in embarrassment on the character's behalf... Your theory makes sense.

"At work the universal unpopularity of the VC is also a frequent topic." [Bluebottle]

I have no clue about what VC might refer to. The Viet Cong? A Vice Chancellor or a college?

I try to think of positive topics to discuss. Even if I don't like like then person I'm talking to. I know someone who was seen running at a local rotary, so when I ran into him [metaphorically, that is] I commented on how fit he looked. He talked about running four miles a day.

VC is Vice Chancellor – the person who runs a university (the Chancellor is a figurehead who turns up to applaud things that need applauding such as declaring new buildings open, but we've not had one for a couple of years). There's a bit of a national scandal at the moment regarding VCs. VC wages come from student tuition fees, but how much VCs should be paid is determined by Universities UK, an organisation made up of Vice Chancellors who have all agreed that they should be given huge pay rises to earn, in one case, up to £800,000 a year (according to Google $1,077,704/USD). In order to afford these pay rises they are making academic staff redundant, reducing teaching time and increasing classroom sizes – which understandably is upsetting the students. By making academic staff redundant they are saying they are 'cost cutting' and then awarding themselves huge bonuses as a reward.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-42268306

We know that our department is being 'restructured' again which will probably mean more compulsory redundancies so the VC can have a bigger bonus next year…



Today's topic – snow. After a week in which it was forecast that today would see Arctic, sub-zero temperatures, there wasn't even a mild frost outside this morning.

They do this all the time – predict snow but nothing happens. The UK only had 4 official white Christmases during the 20th Century. It only snows and settles enough for it to last over 36 hours about once a decade, so there's only a 10% chance of seeing a reasonable amount of snow at all during the year. I like snow – I want the children got to see some and play in it while they are still children – but I must admit whenever people say how it is definitely going to snow this weekend I'm the one with severe doubts.

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The weather was my small talk topic today. We had a good laugh over the Met Office's 'Yellow Snow warning'

We've got all the snow up north, so for us the weather forecast was impressively accurate... We've had white Christmases when it wasn't officially a white Christmas, but we've also had 'official white Christmases' with no snow...

Sorry to hear you're facing yet another restructure - seems they might be able to save more money overall by not restructuring every other week, but who knows..? Our Chancellor is kept well employed applauding things that need applauding, which has been giving people the most cause for small talk in the kitchen recently...

Christmas parties are the main topic today, though

<BB< . . . Arctic temps around now are around -34C. I don't think many in the UK or Europe could deal well with that.

I was there for a couple of weeks one night (November) and still steady around -20C - bare head, hands and open coat weather for some of us.

The pack of 14 wolves that wandered the compound freely were gorgeous - and more curious than worrisome. But the one thing that I remember most vividly was the moon. Full, a pumpkin orange and out there 24/7 as it circled maybe 20 degrees above the horizon.

Interesting, but you can keep it.

Young man sitting next to me on VERY crowded bus got up to join a relative about half way home.
He: don't worry, I have nothing against you personally.
Me: I was hoping you'd do a manicure for me (he had beautiful Xmas patterns on his nails)