h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Due to some worrying developments in the field of my cholesteral levels I have for the last few months been enjoying a very different way of eating from normal. Much more veggie food, fresh fruit and veg and pulses. One of the net results is that I am frankly, a little more gassy than I used to be.

So like most not averse to slipping out the odd cheeky one when walking around, I did the same today whilst not wearing my headphones (in the supermarket) and realised I had mande a not inconsiderable amount of noise.

This has led me to wonder have I spent months loudly guffing in front of people thinking it was quiet because I was wearing my headphones.

Jayse? Anyone else freely pass wind whilst walking?

FB

I have to admit I do and I always have headphones on which block out sound so I may have been doing the same as you for some time

This is right up there with blu-tak, isn't it?

It does remind me of the classic joke about the old man who goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, I'm having terrible problems with silent gas emissions. They happen all the time. I have silent gas emissions in bed, while walking down the road, sitting down, standing up. All the time. In fact, I've just had two more since entering your office.' The doc ponders for a bit, and says 'Well, it's clear what we need to do first. Let's test your hearing'.

B

In the open air - yes. Elsewhere, not if I can't avoid it. We wouldn't if there were little puffs of steam emitted from our trousies in the frosty mornings, though. Erm. Would we?

Woman about an ex boyfriend: He was such a gentleman that in all the 5 years we were together he never once farted in front of me.

Now THAT's a standard!

Ben

So he always went behind you?

Boooom Tishshshshsh!

How did I do that? How did I write such a perfect set-up line?

It was a sweet story.

FB, you made my cry with laughter! Thank you, I needed it today!

I once accidently let one slip in front of my boss and his boss. It's still ocassionally referred to, 8 years later.

But I've never done it with headphones on. Although come to think of it it's probably better if you don't hear it. After all, what are you going to do if you hear it? Blush? Cast a shocked, I can't believe you just did that look at the person next to you?

Oh. I'm still laughing!

Deb

I never even attempt to pass wind whilst wearing my headphones as I'm one of those cursed with the unerring ability to pass said wind loudly, copiously and at length when trying to sneak out a quiet one.

>>He was such a gentleman that in all the 5 years we were together he never once farted in front of me.


I wonder what the average time is between a couple meeting and the first fart in each other's company? Personally, I initially try to eat modestly to avoid the situation altogether, but that strategy soon fails when she cooks for me, and I'm obliged to eat heartily.

Yeah, I've always found veggies had a certain ruminant odour about them. Sharing a yurt on a winter night with a dozen hippies was *not* a pleasant experience

When in the Navy, bodily functions were not treated with bashfulness and a certain gusto in passing wind was encouraged. This inevitably led to over-exuberant trouser coughs which in turn led to the dilemma - how to be sure one hasn't followed through? Unless someone nearby helpfully points out the offending evidence, one either has to wait for the dripping feeling down the legs or to reach around and investigate with the fingers. Sometimes, it's best not to know and I suspect FB, you'd rather not have it confirmed by your colleagues that you've been trumping aloud with gay abandon.

Heh heh heh!

I shouldn't read about farting at lunchtime, should I? Not if my lunch-break coincides with swl's.

Thanks for that, pal.

"Sharing a yurt on a winter night with a dozen hippies was *not* a pleasant experience"

Bet you were nice and warm though.

Funnily enough, there was a story told on the radio today that seems apt. Apparently there was a chap in the Royal Court in the 70s who had occasion to bow in front of the Queen. To his absolute chagrin, he let rip as he bowed. He was mortified and left the Queen's Court to spend the next 20 years travelling and writing in Europe. Eventually he returned to the Queen's employ and had to bow as she entered the room. Recognising him immediately she exclaimed "Oh it's ******. How nice to see you again. Do you know, we'd completely forgotten about your fart until just now".

History does not record his reaction.

"How dare you fart before the queen!"

"I'm sorry - I didn't realise it was her turn"

One technical detail I'd always wondered about, is whether silence gives a less effective extraction of gas. I know that 'resonance' is very important in car-exhaust design, so I imagine it's the same with bowels.

Ever notice how much more potent they are in the bath or in the shower? Does humid air conduct fart molecules better? Is that why the tropics stink?

Bath farts are the worst.

Nah. Bed farts are the worst. Bath farts are extra bubbles.

B

Bath farts are pungent pockets of pulchritude for the connoseur.

W H Auden said we all love the smell of our own farts.

Appropriately, and I didn't know this until 3 seconds ago, he said it in the context of how much we all love our own writing (ie what w've written not scrawly hand-wriring).

I love google.

Ben