h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes, it's not _your_ mother's grandchildren I'm talking about and mine aren't even glints in anyone's eye yet. So we're both in the clear.For most of their lives (especially the last ten years) my children have often been the most interesting people to talk to within a very wide radius - now stretched to as far away as is possible. This is partly, I think, because I talked to /with them from babyhood. It's no good starting when they're teenagers.
This is on totally the wrong thread, of course, but I don't think my well-behaved son will mind.

When I hear someone clearing his throat behind me I put on my Joyce Grenfell voice and say,"Don't do that" Surprisingly often they swallow it,

How about if they're enjoying themselves and not causing any harm, then leave them to it?

I think often people (aaah, 'people') are too impatient with children. If a child runs into me by accident, that is *fine*. Often the parent feels they must severely admonish the child and apologise to the bumped-into person, but this feels like overkill to me. Chill out, it was an accident...

If a child is harming another, then wade in, I reckon. Got to be verbally. Also, if a child is really annoying you, then speak to them. I think it's respectful, and they might listen. Abusing our "I'm bigger so listen to me" advantage is unfair. Children have so few advantages, that abusing our responsibility is, well, irresponsible.

Oh, and I'd question this "children having fun and being loud" equalling "children running amok/wild".

Grrrrr...

*calms self down and searches for coherent summary*

Ermm... (bit riled up by this thread)...To close, talking and *listening* to children (as W.Gurustar rightly says, quite possibly for hours on end) is the most important thing. Children are interesting, and often undervalued, I think a bit of perspective ('this matter in an hour's/weeks/year's time?') helps to sort out what's of import and what's not.

Thank you.

A

This is true - but in the scenario I outlined (and encountered last Sunday night) the undervaluing was primarily being done by the childrens parents.
I suspect that, despite all that has been written here, most people would simply ignore the situation unless directly affected ... I did, and so did a carriage full of people.

Lateral thinking. Out loony it. It depends on how old the child is.

If a child under the age of about 3 is making an unreasonable amount of noise, then get on its eye level, preferably in its eye line, and copy the noise it is making - but louder. This works a treat. The child is so astonished to find an adult behaving in that way, that it shuts up and looks at you as if you are the most surprising thing it has seen for a week.

Older children - say 4-8 - respond in much the same way if you start making faces at them. Stuck out tongue, thumbs in the ears, fingers wiggling at the sky, popped eyes, type faces. Noises too, if the spirit moves you.

I haven't tried either technique on children over the age of about 8.

The main benefits are that the kids are so surprised that you change their state of mind. And they are also startled, if an adult will behave like this in public - then what else will you do? And the adults with the children are going to sound pretty silly if they complain that you poked your tongue out at their kids and wiggled your fingers at them.

However, however, however, I have sat on a train while two children ran amok up and down the aisle, and done no more about it than the standard disapproving English stare. Next time it happens? I am on my mettle now. I'll have to put my gurning where my mouth is.

yes, but you also got a lot of people thinking... which has to be a good thing.
There is a big difference between children being children (ie having a good time loudly) and children being pests (ie spilling coke all over people)
When I had no kids, I just tut tutted and got on with my life swearing never ever to have kids.
Now I have 2 (very little) kids (sorry, children) I realise that there are degrees of acceptable behaviour. It depends on the situation. But running round annoying people and spilling coke on them is never acceptable. I would be mortified if my children did that. But I feel sorry for the kids who are brought up like that.

What would you do if they spilled coke on your mum? (ok, ok, Duncan and your spear, your mum would have them sorted within seconds - so you have to have a hypothetical mum)

Not spilled - thrown..it was definitely deliberate.
And it nearly wasn't hypothetical - they very nearly got me....I'm not sure what my "heat fo the moment" reaction would have been; which I suppose is what prompted this question.

Now, i dont have any of this problem. As technically still a child (well, technically im only a mid-teenager) i reserve my right to yell and, on occasion, swear at annoying young children until they cry or run away in fear of their life. If anyone has a go i claim teenage angst problems and they leave me alone. Also, if the child is over the age of 11, im well within my normal behaviour if i give them a quick smack round the head...

Now I very very rarely wish to be younger than I am, ("when I grow old, I shall wear purple, and a red hat that does not match...") but being able to out-freak kids is the best argument for being a teenager I have heard. Consider it compensation for all the other stuff.

When my son was being bullied at his primary school there were a few occasions when his older sister had a day off from her secondary school(inset days).I would send her to fetch him home from school and she had the freedom to deal with said bullies in ways that were not open to me and often did.The only problem I then had was to stop her bullying him.Sigh!

We do that with the younger brothers and sisters of people in our year. Theyre getting bullied by a group of people in their year, but its amazing how quickly it all stops when half of my years rugby team are suddenly standing there staring down at them with a grin which would unnerve a tiger on their faces....

You daren't touch, or even pay any attention to the little darlings in Canada, lest you be accused of all manner of ugly things. I hate making a spectacle of myself in public, but I think I would have stood in the aisle right near my seat, and YELLED at the top of my lungs for someone to do something about them! What would likely have happened is the mother and I would have caused more uproar than the kids - problem solved!

A well known Australian comedian has the answer.

In a supermarket, he finds himself behind a bawling child and ignorant mother.

"MUUUUUUMMMMM!!! I want a Bertie Beetle!!!!!!"(type of chocolate)
mum : quietly "you can't have a bertie beetle"

"BUT MMMUUUUUUMMMMMM I WANT A BERTIE BEETLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
mum : still quietly "shoosh dear you can't have a bertie beetle"

"MMMMMMMMMUUUUUUU_U_U_U_U_UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! I. WANT. A. BERTIE. BEEEEEEETLE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At this point the man leans over right into the face of the kid, ignoring the negligent mother who obviously is going to do nothing more to silence her insufferable child, he grabs a Bertie Beetle of the shelf, yells at the kid at the top of his voice "YOU'RE NOT HAVIN' A BERTIE BEETLE!!!" and proceeds to chew on his own Bertie Beetle right in the face of the child/beast. No need to lay a hand on the poorly disciplined brat.

P.S. No hate mail please, this IS only a joke.

Hey, I liked it.

Duncan: Sorry, I didn't realise it was *thrown*..in that case, I would like to think I would say something to the children, probably getting into the what-do-you-think-you're-doing, I-think-you-need-to-apologise-don't-you? area (there's a whole 'nother thread: coming out with things your mother would say )...Depends on blood sugar level I suppose...

Gurning sounds great Ben, it really would surprise them...

A

and so on....

Actually they would just get a "Paddington bear hard stare" - for which, alas, there is no smiley. (frowney?)

What about Paddington Bear hard stare and a Joyce Grenfell "Don't do that..." combined?

Very powerful...

A

I'm not sure the world is ready for such a lethal combination...and I'm not convinced that youngish children in a Dublin train would get either reference