h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well?
As per useual I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what to get for my Father and (step) Mother...
Either as a joint gift, or preferably as two (or more) different gifts...

Also, My Brother, although he's just moved into a flat so has already requested a few things he needs.... (one of which is a hoover which I shall probably furnish him with , but maybe a little* something else...)

What about giving your father and step mother a set of bag pipes?

I do canning for Christmas- you like to bake so why not tins of your baked goods? If you are even halfway decent as a baker your gift will be well received!

ps- this year I bottled blueberry jam, rhubarb, walnuts in maple syrup, chocolate pud and Moroccan pickled lemons. Not bad for an old fart!

effers -


carrying on with the foodie theme - ( I think I remember your father likes food ) Why not get one of those luxury hampers? Or any empty basket and fill it with gorgeous scrummy things of your choice?

Matters may now be Further complicated, having been on the phone to my Father this afternoon, looks like his abslutely useless medically incompitant doctors have decided, a year or so after they should have done it, that they are* going to opperate on his abdominal Hernia, on.... Christmas Eve The hamper may be a good idea though My baking only really extends as far as bread and bread related products plus stuff inside cases of home made short crust pastry My Brother's idea was to put our money together for a voucher for, or towards a holiday as both FAther and mum like holidays though due to Father having to wait so long for the medical incompetance and beurucratic cock-ups over the last year or so, they've not really been able to holiday away

On Christmas Eve? are they serious?

naa, I think they're just having a laugh really, well either that, or their incompetance is getting greater as time goes by... they put off diagnosing and opperating first tiem round until the point when it was an emergency opperation and he had septacemia of the blood, and was about 12 hours from dieing from that... then they decided to screw up the entire opperation and leave him minus most of his intestines, and then for fun they've decided to repeat teh same incompetance again and again now he's got this hernia... Of course having a heart attack mid way through all this confused matters slightly as the doctors seem incapible to use either a telephone or the internet in order to share hospital and GP notes, hence why my Father now carries all his notes with him in a large case whenever he goes in; most the time they've not got any notes so he has to give them to them... : Apparently the Christmas Eve thing is they said no one wants to have the opperation then, so there is a free slot, My Father having got a bit tired of keep having to pop his stomach back in place, decided he'd take the oppertunity to let them butcher him again, whilst its there on offer, before it goes to a total emergency situation again Mind, still not quite as funny as when my doctor told me 'you shouldn't pick your nose then,' as I lay in bed, in the neurosugery ward, having a hemoridge and being discharged whilst they failed to diagnose it... or when my Mother got told to 'pull herself together there's nothing wrong with you', as she died of breast cancer... aint the medical profession great when you keep ending up with the useless doctors time and time again

It's easy, 2legs. Just use the h2g2 Infinite Improbability Drive for ideas.

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I just tried it, and your mum gets tickets to drag racing at Santa Pod, your dad gets some candles, and your brother gets a book on mathematical group theory.

Sorted

now there is an idea... lettuce see

I got:
tips for Camping in the Wild
York, England, UK
Teenage Depression

So... I'm thinking, find a depressed teenager, and send Brother Father and mother off to york for a camping trip, in the wilds which are I guess probably just outside york

Alternatively you could send them to:

The East End of London, UK

via

Viva Restaurante, Cincinnati, Ohio, USA

and buy them a book by

Hart Crane - American Poet

. A nice faceted glass ball or heart or whatever, to hang in a window to catch the sun (when you get some).

. For each, a good cut-glass tumbler, a lemon (or a lime) and 1/2 bottle of decent gin (Plymouth for preference).


...not forgetting roller blades for grandma

*cough*
Of course, being my parents, that should*be 2 to 3 bottles of gin each... though actually I think gin is about the only*drink my |Father doesn't like... but he likes vodka...whisky... beer... brandy... and... pretty much anything else for that matter I can't have any alcochol at the moment (antibiotics) I have to go to a pub, Tuesday, for a meal, and not*drink alcochol.... I've not been to a pub and not*drunk alcohol since ... since... I dunno, probably about 12 years of age

Why not buy them something from Oxfam's website?* It's the gift that keeps on giving. You can buy donkeys, water sanitation kits, teachers or classroom paraphenelia.... lots to choose from and prices for most pockets.

* other charitable websites are available.

I found a wine hamper/gift box (M&S), which looks good, nice selection of I think 12 bottles of wine Just trying to find a food related gift box/hamper to accompany it with and rather than one for Father and one for Mum, I'll give both to them as a joint present and they can argue over the goodies That'll be a tangible sort of gift for them, and I think Brother and I will joint put some money together for some kind of holiday voucher type thing, or something
Brother I'll probably buy him a hoover for his new flat (Think Father is buying him the cooker) and get him a little* somethign else... probably also alcohol related (its so useful having a family who all drink....)
I'll buy a small gift (probably alcohol again), for err I guess my step sister I'm useless at working out relations things) and for her son, who is I think nearly* 3 years old I'll get him a toy (Chuggington related oughta do the trick) and then I'll be skint so that will ahve to do, everyone else can have a impromptu drunken haiku Oh, and I'll buy a few cases of beer (one english dark beers, one belgium/world beers at least), sort of for the house whilst I'm back (yeh I'll ahve some of them but sort of for everyone) Just need to find something to buy the dog then I'll just have to work out when* I'm going to be back there, and hopefully arrange it all to be delivered there for just* after I get back... err a couple days before the 25th I guess
What the eck did people do before internet shopping?
I don't really do, and never have done, gifts for friends at Christmas or birthdays, so that is somethign not to have to worry about... (we kind of just got into the habbit years ago of not buying each other anything ) If Father's opperation is on the 24th december, and he's not feeling too bad on teh 25th we can go to the hospital and annoy the nurses Or if he's really* feeling alright, annoy them majorly and break him out
I'll treat myself to my* Christmas gifts in January (because I'm a cheapskate and so will get myself stuff in the jan sales; new wizzy soundcard, new clothes that fit and arn't loose on me and... err... some new toys )
Probably oughta get something for my Godchildren.... But I think I'm still on strict instructions from their parents not* to buy them toys... (Kinda waiting until they're older to get em something then really...)

OK.... that is the Christmas shopping started; is it too early to start on the mulled wine and mince pies?

Looks like there will be a lot of "pickling" going on at 2legs this christmas!!

There always is... I remember, a couple years back, when we 'got organised', and bought in a lot* but not all* of the booze, about a week or so before* Christmas, getting prepared and ready like... 12 bottles wine, champaign, vodka, brandy, whisky, dark rum, light rum, some blended whiskies, port etc... and it was all drunk before* Christmas so we had to buy it all again One year we even got so low on booze that we drunk the lager we'd gotten in 'in case anyone wanted a lager' Mind, its the sheer volume of food, and quantity of meat, pies, sausage rolls, pigs in blankets, and choc and biscuits we get though which always amazes me: I have* to be good this year, having lost nearly two stone this year I really* don't want to put it all back on in a weeks utter over-indulgance and I don't think my stomach is quite up to teh job of dealing with such a level of glutany as once it was mmmm ham... turkey... aunties home made sausage rolls and mince pies... ; We made the dog ill one year... as we fed it a bit too much Christmas cake

"the food won't run out, there isn't any need to eat it all now" (repeat indefinately* Mmm NOpe... its not working Mmm pickled onions...

I wonder!: should I release my giant jar of home made super strong pickled onions; hmmm I think the jar has been locked away now for about five years... Its a non subtle combination of small onions, garlic, chillie peppers, bay leaves, pepper corns (assorted mix), Pickling spices, cinamon sticks, cloves, pickling vinigar, and whatever else I randomly decided to add to it... oo I think there were some cardamin pods in it too ... ; I've been too scared to open it and try them! Maybe... maybe this is the year to release the dangerous giant jar of pickled onion I'm fearful....

<>

I shall keep an eye out for any news stories about "mysterious mushroom shaped clouds in the Cambridge area"!!

yes... I am very much worried it could create a pretty serious biological warfare scare in the vacinity of 'onion zero' (the opening site) I really am too scared to open the jar! hence why its survived this*long... and each eyar that passes... the scarier It gets!

"Onion zero"!

Why not donate it to a local school raffle or tombola, with instructions not to open until you are out of the fall-out zone?? Rather cruel on the poor kiddies, I must admit, but then christmas IS all about giving.