h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A reinterpretation of the Magners (and other ) campaigns of the last few years:

Magners! Drink it with ice: you really don't want to know what it tastes like neat.

Bullmers! If you thought Magners was bad...

Strongbow! At least you know what you're getting.

White Lightning! Cider? You want cider? Well, we think there was an apple in the third vat on the left. Eric dropped it in there during his lunch break. Right gutted he was.

...

What about the F*rd S-Max advert 'Wouldn't it be a shame if birds walked...' ... re-interpretation : envrironmental disasters will cause birds to drop out of the sky, so buy a big car to help it happen ...

Cider! Last night I had my dad banging on about profit warnings as apparently people don't want 'fancy iced cider' they just want the normal stuff.

T'other night I left the TV on, ITV4 and the number of "Text" to get off with somebody ads, just silly. Then there was one that seemed to go on for ages.

"RRRRRRRRRRRug Doctor ... Steaming mad at dirt." Is now stuck in my head forever!

More from the wireless...

There's a water company trying to flog its wares...unusually, it's not claiming to be from Fr*nch volcanoes, or anything daffy like that. Instead, its selling point seems to be: "Your brain is 75% water...keep it topped up". By buying (and drinking) their water, presumably.

Yes, it is stupid as it sounds. But what really tops it off is that they describe *their* water as "fresh, crisp spring water".

"Crisp" water? Water with *crunchy* bits in it? Broken glass, perhaps? Who knows? I don't want "crispy" water!

RF

This may have been touched on before here.

How exactly does filtering milk make it 'purer'?

What is pure about milk in any sense of the word in the first place? And what are they removing with this filtering process anyway?

I refer to adverst for Cleavedale (sp?) milk in the UK. Other than this point, it's a fine silly piece of advertising but just WHAT sort of boswelox are they talking?

it's Cravendale milk - their other one is 'So fresh, the cows want it back' - another annoying slogan...it removes more bacteria than normal pasturised (sp..?) milk making it last longer.

I still maintain that we like our food over-sterilised... The bacteria they are removing are probably mainly good bacteria like live yoghurt... We NEED these things in the tiny amounts they are in our food naturally... When all we eat is over-sterilised food, I swear we'll all be iller for it.

So why not say that? I thought that might be the case but use of the word 'pure' is still bullshit of the highest order.

We already are, Robyn... can't remember where I read it but various boffins reckon that people are becoming more susceptable to minor infections and whatnot because the over-sterilisation of everything means we're not building up the same immunity to germs that our forebears did.

Oh, it's like using the term 'germs'. Comlpetely usueless emotive term with no proveable, tangible point. We all *think* we know what they mean, but legally I suspect they are terms that loosely infer and imply and are very open to interpretation... i.e. you cant pin anyfink on them mate!

It's all a matter of perspective... to me 'germs' is a handy catch-all term used for 'bad' bacteria, viruses and other gribbly micro-organisms. Basically it allows advertisers to use one word instead of lots.

I agree about the point of oversterilising everything. Milk does go off particularly rapidly though - mass sterilisation of it was a major boost to public health. Pasteurisation or UHT is pretty much good enough though I think.

You're right that our immune systems are not being properly primed by exposure to minor pathogens such as soil bacteria, which is being blamed for allergies and asthma. Not sure milk fits in this category though - milk contains E coli which can be quite dangerous if its allowed to multiply. Sterilising milk just makes it last longer.

But from what I read recently, the bacterial cultures that grow in various parts of our bodies form very complex ecosystems that we do not yet fully understand, and we have little idea what species make them up. In fact they reckon a lot of the species haven't even been identified yet.

Also not aware of *any* evidence that these probiotics have any beneficial effect. Logically, the only time they might be any use is when your colonies are depleted, i.e. after taking antoibiotics - but if we don't fully understand the composition of the colonies how do we know were replacing the right species? We could just be upsetting the balance even more.

If you want my advice: keep pets, don't wash your chopping board, do some gardening and ignore claims made by advertisers.

Largely sound advice Dave

"You're right that our immune systems are not being properly primed by exposure to minor pathogens such as soil bacteria, which is being blamed for allergies and asthma."

I'm not convinced of this. I've got allergies *and* asthma, and I lived in an overcrowded, rather messy and grubby house, with a vegetable patch at the end of the garden, one bath a week when we were kids, never taught to wash our hands before food, after touching animals or their mess, or after the loo, living with dogs, rabbits, birds, etc. So lots of nice nasties to grow up with.

Obviously I've corrected a few of those hygene issues as I grew up, but still, my allergies were caused by a mouldy flat, and traffic pollution. All my growing up nasties couldn't protect me from that.

But back on topic, I hate those ads with the long drawn out breaths. Strongbow I think. Not only boring, but a very annoying noise, and there's nothing pleasant about seeing someone standing with their mouths open for ages.

A phone that's concerned about it's image?

... More like an excuse to tell people that they arent fashionable enough and that having this product about your person will make you a desireable, a 'beautiful person'...


... Funny how we see an image and read words and make connections between the two even if they aren't connected at all.. Advertisers are clever!

Best ad I've seen recenly was in a newspaper (guardian I think) yesterday... In the form of a fast food ad that looked like a cut-out coupon, had half an image upside down above and below it, so if one were to cut out and fold the ad as shown, you'd get an image of a cowboy out on the range on the reverse... It was at this point i realised the whole point of it was to keep my eyes on the ad for a good amount of time, whether or not I consciously took in the info was I suspect, more or less immaterial... It was a beautifully successful advert. I salute the people who made it, may their souls rot in their own personal hells... for being so scarily good at manipulating us!

The one for the washing powder "with the scent of crushed silk and jasmine"

I'm sorry, what exactly does crushed silk smell like?

Yes I spotted that yesterday

Or did they mix some Jasmine and Silk together before crushing it?

"T'other night I left the TV on, ITV4 and the number of "Text" to get off with somebody ads, just silly. Then there was one that seemed to go on for ages."

When you think about it, stupid adverts need stupid people to respond to them. The mere fact these adverts are still running - something makes it worthwhile for them to still be screened - tells you something depressing about the gullibility factor of the human race. With the "meet somebody new in your area NOW" text adverts, there's also the time of day to take into acount.. the wee small hours of the morning, and the distinct possibility that a lot of people still up and watching TV at that hour have got time on their hands, are trying to enjoy their own company as best they can, and might well be broody about being single. Show these in the early hours of a Saturday or Sunday morning - when somebody who is reluctantly single might well have just come home on their own from a frustrating and depressing time trying not to be single any more - and I bet take-up is higher than it should be, out of sheer desperation. If you've just been trying to get off with somebody in the socially accepted manner, you've given it your best shot, but you've still come home at three in the morning on your own, and you're feeling a bit fragile about any knock-backs you might have received.

Rather than do the sensible thing and go to bed (you're still too awake/wound up for that) you put the telly on to unwind and the "text and mate" adverts start happening.... yup, I can see a lot of trade happening this way. They may not be subtle, and in a right frame of mind we can see the flaws in them straight away (women who look like THAT are not likely to be single and waiting on the other end of the phone for your texts at £1.50 per minute. And how do you know it's even a woman answering?) - but they are targeted at EXACTLY the sort of people most likely to take the bait.

In a similar vein, there must be people out there, and not just optimistic seventeen year old boys - who take the Lynx adverts as gospel - that one indifferent -smelling armpit spray will bring attractive women running from miles away...

In fairness, in a couple of the 'text these lovely ladies' adverts in particular, i'd be extremely surprised if a single one of the models shown was born female... Which'll be why they are being aimed at beer-goggled lonely chaps and arent doing a respectable job selling clothes, cars or perfume...