h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In the spirit of the Private Eye cartoon of the same name, a thread for things you hardly ever hear people say.



"No, I shouldn't come to the cinema tonight, I have a terrible cough."



"This is our baby. He seems about average intelligence for his age."



"Could I have a pair of jeans that cover my underwear and fit properly, please?"



Any more?

H.

to shop assisstant,
I'd like a bra that makes me look bigger and is comfortable to wear

This is a little long - but in the spirit of this thread ....

Those with theatrical links will REALLY appreciate it

Things you will never hear in the theatre

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
• It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
• Take your time getting back from break.
• We've been ready for hours.
• No, I called that perfectly the first time, let's move on.
• The headsets are working perfectly.
• The cue lights are working perfectly.
• The orchestra has no complaints.
• The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..
• That didn't take long.
• No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE PRODUCER:
• Of course there's enough money to go around.
• We have money left over.
• No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE DIRECTOR:
• Wow, the designers were right, weren't they?
• No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.
• I think the scene changes are too fast.
• Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
• The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
• That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
• Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
• This chair’s fine, thank you.
• No we don't need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.
• Thank You.
• We’ll use it as it is.
• My round, are all the crew here?
• No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE DESIGNERS:
• Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
• Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.
• You know, you might have a point there.
• The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
• We may have too many gel colours in stock, I can't choose.
• The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
• No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:
• This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.
• We built it right the first time.
• No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
• I love designers.
• No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE ACTOR:
• Don't.... Let's not talk about me.
• I really think my big scene should be cut.
• This costume is so comfortable.
• I love my shoes.
• No problem, I can do that myself.
• I have a fantastic agent.
• Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
• No, leave that spot where it is - I'll walk into it.
• I'm sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.
• Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
• No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE STAGE CREW:
• There's room for that over here.
• We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
• No, no, I'm sure that is our job.
• Anything I can do to help?
• All the tools are carefully locked away.
• Can we do that scene change again, please?
• It's a marvellous show.
• I don't need this many on the crew.
• I'm getting loads of sleep - everythings going really well.
• No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE ELECTRICS CREW
• I must fix the light in the publicity office.
• This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
• Of course I can operate sound from here.
• Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
• All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.
• I’ll do that right away.
• All the equipment is working perfectly.
• No, please - take the last doughnut.
• That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
• Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn't it.
• I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
• No, honestly, it’s my round.
• Thanks, but I don’t drink.
BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER
• This floor’s fine.
• Plenty warm enough, thank you.
• Thank you.
• The lights are spot on.
• Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
• One dressing room’s fine.
• The costumes are perfect.
• The boom positions are fine.
• The wing space is ample, really.
BY THE ORCHESTRA
• Oh the pits fine, actually we don't need all that space you could have built a smaller pit.
• No it's alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don't want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.
• Could you turn these music stand lights down? They're a bit too bright.
• Of course we can play quieter.
• The foldback is fine.
BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER
• Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.

Hel: I think you've missed the point slightly. In the spirit of this thread, the thing you'd seldom hear is the SHOP ASSISTANT saying:

"Yes, of course, madam. You'll find this bra provides exactly the support you need, is extremely comfortable yet sexy at the same time."



Other things you seldom hear:

To street busker: "Go on, play 'Streets of London' again."

From traffic warden: "Well, since you're in a hurry, not causing an obstruction, the other spaces are empty and you're only five minutes over the allotted time, we'll just let this one go, OK?"

From one member of an obese couple standing having a pleasant chat in the middle of the aisle or doorway in Tesco: "Oh, let's just step to one side here, dear, it looks like we're stopping people getting past."

H.

From a Project Manager:

Of course you know best, you're the engineer, after all.

No, you're right, it is my fault we delivered late/went overbudget.

to KA

an engineer say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are sooooooo right..

opps that should be

(not that I have anything against as he is a fellow aussie after all.......)

Love these, Feisor! Especially 'Let me stand down here with my back to the audience'.

Being a member of an amateur drama club, a couple of others I'd like to add (again, said by an actor) would be:

'No, I won't stand there, I would be upstaging x.'

and

'Of course I've learnt my lines.'

Victoria Beckham "I'll just hang about in the shadows"

George Best "I don't think I'll bother with the 'where did it all go wrong' anecdote today"

I actually did decide against the pictures because i had a rotton cough recently!

From a rural types:

Ooo-ar! Townies deserve a say in rural matters we all live in the same country afterall.

To be honest we only do it cos its a giggle and it pisses of the lefties and the hunt sabatouers.


From a minister:

I know the public will never go for this plan but when I come out with a watered down version in a few weeks it will look like Ive listened to public opinion.


In the boutique:

Yes madam is a bit too lardy for that belly top.


At parents evening:

Having read your tatoos I now understand why your childs spelling is so appaulingly bad. <Thers probably a mistake in there isnt there.>

From a different minister:

We apologise for scarring you with tales of non-existant WMD. By the way your pensions will be worthless.

From a thesis advisor-

I can't find anything wrong with this! I can't believe you wrote this well on the first try! Good work!

From an employer:

"Of course these extra responsibilities we're expecting you to take on will be accompanied by an appropriate increase in your salary."



H.

Politician: I'm not gonna slate the opposition at the conference, I'm gonna tell you what WE'RE going to do.

Eminem or any other rap singer:

If you're wondering why this song is going at such an enoumous speed
I've just pulled out my contract and had a little read
They pay by not how long it is but how many words are in it
I'm sorry if this song isn't very clear
I have to cram as many words possible in here
I know the song isn't very sutaul or not at all satiric
I'm going very fast to cram in lot's of lyrics
The serves no higher purpose and based on no information
It does'nt really have a point which needs no elabouration
I'm sorry if this song causes any anger or frustration
but I must concentrate on my pronounciation
Just checked my contract and I'm paid by the word
Just checked my contract and I'm paid by the word

Kids TV presenters/Top Of The Pops presenters:

"I don't think I'll shout in this programme. Normal volume will do"

A professional footballer:

"No sorry I can't buy that, I'm skint"

Pop Star: "Even I don't take myself seriously, I'm just in it for the money."

Celebrity Qabalist: "I know what the Zohar is and have heard of Eliphas Lévi. Also Qabala is not really a religeon."

Teacher: "Now you get it! You guys are so smart!"

"I also think standardised tests are a bad idea."

"Oh, wait, I actually haven't thought you that. My fault, you're not totally incompetent."

"The Leaving Cert (SAT, GCSE) is a waste of time/ the end of the world."

"This is pretty complicated."

College Professors: "I'll just wait a few minutes for you all to get that complicated bit written down."

h2g2 Mornington Crescent fans: "The rules for this game are as follows."

T(w)eenage Girls: "I think this outfit is a bit too revealing"

"Westlife are just so generic and untalented."

Teenagers: "Get drunk? Nah, it might be even funner if we can remember what happened."

Parents: "Sure, do what you want, I trust you."

"No, you don't need a mobile phone, you managed 18 years without one."

"I understand that you will be more willing to tell me about your love life if I don't push."

"Yes, cooked broccolli is pretty disgusting."

Men:"Actually, I'd rather talk than have sex."

Women [if I understand feminism right]:"Actually, I'd rather talk than have sex."

From various members of a rock band...

Of course the drummer's a really intelligent guy

No, your bass isn't too loud

You hit that note just right

I could listen to one of you guitar solos all night

Do you want a hand carrying that amp?

I treat every woman as I would like my sister to be treated

I don't drink or smoke or swear