h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Please forgive me, I'm drunk and emotional.

It's just that I've lost so many people in my life, and done everything I could to find some sense of belonging, but I always end up in exactly the same place, here, by myself.

I keep hearing of people who 'never found love' but did everything they could for others, and are remembered as such. Is that a choice, or an inevitability?

Often it's luck.

But I don't think it's natural or preferable for most people to be alone. And you certainly don't sound happy being so.

Anyhow, you're not totally alone right now, are you? Because you made an effort to talk to people here.



az

Don't worry, you are not alone, in being alone. (er.. does that work ) You can join the 'The Quest for the NFGs' (Nice Friendly Girl/Guy) Here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/F19585?thread=124799&show=20&skip=7120&lpcr=356 You can even wade through the 7000+ post backlog if you want.

Thank you.

I though i'd replied here bu i guess it got lost somewhere

I know how youe feeling right now, my boyfriend broke up with me earlier this week. Only hes admittted he still loves me since and is still figuring things out, just needs space to do it in..so im in limbo.

I'e often wondered if i'm just a hideous unlovable mutant whos just meant to be alone,or at kleast in some way inadequate..i cetainly feel inadequate right now..but we can't think like that can we? surely its hope, however futile,that gets us through..

I don't know anything about you, how young or old you, whether you're really alone or just missing a certain someone, or any of your personal circumstances, so I can't really so I can't give specific advice or words of wisdom. But nothing is inevitable. And as az says, you're talking to people here, and that's a start. Lots of great friendships get started that way.

And, maybe if fortune smiles and you make the effort you could even meet that special someone. You wouldn't be the first.

Noggin

It was here that I met my special somone..the one from my previous post

When you say you've done everything you could to find some sense of belonging... Are you twisting yourself to try to 'fit in'? I think to have a sense of belonging you have to be able to be yourself; but I also think only willing hermits are in any sense 'meant' to be alone. I find crowds make me lonely; so many people, so little chance that any of them would be properly able to understand me. (I've met two people who could; one of them's dead, the other elsewhere.) But it's precisely that isolation that makes a passing smile and 'good morning' from an acquaintance so precious and so uplifting.

There's physical isolation, and then there's psychological isolation; being away from people, and then being with people with whom one can't quite communicate as fully as one wants to... Are you looking for a 'special someone', or just a friendly greeting? Do you need to belong to something basically convival, or something intimate, or something that reflects who you are?

Of course, you'll miss out on countless encounters if you try to read the NFG thread backlog. Even when I had a fast connection, it took me days to read just the first 3000 posts. If you make the attempt, don't be alarmed by Corinth in the early posts; it gets better.

Twisting to fit in is my nature, and not something I can switch off, if I'm honest. I'm not physically isolated at all, but I've lost my immediate family, survived an abusive father and moved over 20 times in 29 years. I've a few relatives I rarely see, a couple of good friends, clinical depression and a simmering resentment of all humanity, so the psychological isolation is pretty evident.

So I throw myself willingly into hopeful relationships until they cease to feel safe, then skedaddle. Then I tank Californian Merlot and complain about it. Thanks for your responses, I'll be okay.

What a shame you're in the USA
I'd go on a date with you.

I know exactly how you feel. I don't like being alone, but somehow always find myself in that place. No idea why, i'm a nice person (so i'm told) maybe thats the problem Just as i get comfortable with a 'special' someone....i get dumped Its not my choice to be alone, its kinda looking like it will always be that way though.

Well as a philosophical point no-one is meant to be anything. Although you can choose to believe you're meant to be something, which can be just as good and have very similar effects.

Anyway the practical upshot is that if you feel this inevitability in your life then its up to you to take steps to challenge it and break it. Although of course its always good to get others' advice on how to do that.

Um, it seems that Chris has unsubbed. Perhaps he prefers being alone after all?


az

People get embarrassed about the things they write when they're drunk .

Well, I've always had trouble making friends, unless I'm in a group of complete strangers (like a university kitchen) and the last thing I expected to acquire in Freshers' Week was a boyfriend! We're giving each other some breathing space as it was a bit sudden, and so we can think about the way that we view the relationship, but my advice is go to things you enjoy (the uni BigBand playing the Union in my case) especially if there is time to chat with others, and be prepared to meet someone.

Well, if Chris ever comes back to the thread he may be heartened to see that he has started a place where people who sometimes feel like he does can share their feelings and experiences and, thereby, not feel so alone.


Seraphina,

<>

Well, we *can* but no, it doesn't help. Neither is it ever true. I have met very few people (hardly any, really) that I would ever consider 'unlovable' and yet these people tended to have someone in their lives who loved them. So this was only *my* perspective.

Also, I think it helps not to put all one's focus on finding that 'special someone' and rather, just get out more and meet more people in general.

I've been mostly a 'fringe-dweller' all my life and I'm actually not able to 'twist to fit in' with people. Neither do I feel a need to. I don't mind being alone, though sometimes I have felt quite lonely. I meet a lot of people through my job (freelance teaching) and have a lot of acquaintances. And I quite enjoy their company. I also have that small amount of people you can count on one hand who are my dearest and most trusted friends. Unfortunately, none of them live here! And recently I have met a 'special someone' but it wasn't because I was specifically looking for this, and we started off as being 'just friends'.

Anyhow, my point is that you have to get out and make an effort with people. It's like with anything else - the more effort and energy you put into something, the more you get back.


az

Living in London, as I have for the last 20 years, can be a very lonely place. I am living a singleton's life, and have done so for 10 and a half years. The Dear John arrived on Valentine's day 1994, so I can feel for Chris, Serephina, Venus, and all those who have had broken relationships.
I broke an engagement in 1980 through selfish reasons and still love the person, although she is now probably dead, due to a wasting disease, and this is my only regret in life. I just felt too young at 20 to be committing my life to one person after having just left college.
My next relationship was with a girl 5 years my junior in 1982, which lasted, off and on, for two years then London beckoned.
Finally the stormy and most damaging relationship (for me) came in 1991. As you can probably see, I had been very cautious about taking the plunge again. However this was it. Although she was married, she was struggling to get out of a disasterous marriage to a wife-beater, for which I was the unwitting lever.
Once the divorce was finalised, then I was on the scrapheap.
I lost my managership, my sense of worth, 3 stone in 3 months, my friends. Everything vanished in a drastic spiral of depression and alcohol.
So how did I survive? When I reached eight and a half stone (60 kilos) and a hefty overdraft I realised I had to do something, so I increased the time spent pursuing my hobbies, going birding with a pub-mate at least once a week, joining a band, and gigging 3 saturdays out of four, and becoming used to being a singleton.
10 years on, i am still a singleton with a big hole in my life, and a difficulty in finding room in my singleton-based life.
I would not know how to fit someone into my life, nor adapt to such, much as I would love it. I am now too scared of being hurt a third time, and not pulling back.
Negative? Cynical? Bitter? Twisted? Probably. However I enjoy life, and to my colleagues appear to be over-cheerful. The strong facade I have built is once again almost impregnable, which has taken many years to build, and even my family do not know the real me. It is called survival.... And yeas, I do enjoy life, meeting people, doing things etc. but i don't do crowds, as anyone at the summer meet who noticed me will realise, and my energy goes into work.
And after all that rambling, no we are not meant to be alone, although we don not necessarily need to be in a romantic relationship. My ideal would be a pleasant platonic relationship, doing the things we enjoy, and with our own places and space....
The point is it is not the end of the world, and unfortunately being an out-and-out old-fashioned romantic, my
experience is not normal, but then nor am I
Oh, and the girl five years my junior got in contact via friendsreunited, and I have managed to get her marriage back on track, after she went off the rails, so experience can help others. We are still in contact purely on a platonic basis, and she can call any time, and I was right to quit (or run away scared, in her words)
Good luck all, and hope this purging of the soul helps.

Thanks everybody for being so cool. I do get very embarrassed, and a bit OCD by pretty much everything I write, drunk or otherwise. But I'm feeling a lot better today, hungover as hell but galvanised and have been getting some things sorted out.

I'm glad it's been a springboard for others though.

GB, I'm not in the US, just down the A12.

hi Chris!

Glad you are back!

And don't worry, I often post things under the influence of much and then cringe the next day. But you know what? Nobody really cares. I mean about that bit. But they do care about what was posted and I have met some of my best friends here.

So, don't give up on us, okay?

az

Thank you az. I don't expect to be around much for a while, but I'll be around.