h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Put them in a really big room with no exits toe deep in highly concentrated acid and watch them melt away!

Bwahahahahahahaha.

OR you could cut them up the middle with a pair of rusty scissors, force-feed them their spleen, liver and pancreas and then hold their bowels over their head so that when the aformentioned organs work their way through whats left of their digestive system, you can drown them in their own crap!!!

Fun, eh?

I think I need counselling, and have been needing it for some time now...ah well, ah well.

What, you mean it's not normal for someone's eyes to glaze over when speaking to them?

3

JOTD: After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: Painting

I couldn't be arsed to read all the posts before, so it may already be posted but!!

To make someone suffer like an ex lover or something, gain access to their living room carpet when you know they are gonna be away for a week of two. Librally sprinkle grass seed over the carpet and then water in well.

The warm house and carpet are very good growing mediums..

Wait for the carpet to grow green and then laugh to yourself!!!

(sorry about my spelling, I am drinking at the mo!)

Sid
You are truly an evil genius

(I wish I'd thought of that a couple of years ago)

I have my moments, so all you that have crossed me before...Beware!!

Make them lots of nice hot drinks, but only tell them about it, when they are cold...

Haven't read all the many entries, so sorry if someone told before what I'm going to tell now.
Anyway, at the moment there is noone I realy want to suffe, but it's quite nice to know a place where I can find a lot of mean ideas, should I ever need one

A rather tricky method is the faked dementi. Uhm, I'm not sure about my english... The trick is: you go around and tell people that some bad rumours (wich never existed !) about X aren't true, and by doing this, you spread the rumours...

You can really drive someone crazy when you never contradict them, but always take his oppinion and exagerate it.

Depending on the familiar situation X lives in, it can be very effective to order some pornographic stuff to his adress...

The Left Ear of the gODDess, Who Never Did Anything Of The Stuff Listed Above

my personal favourite (to such an extent, i do it unthinkingly), is to walk up to someone you know, pat them empathetically on the shoulder, and say "you're a good man for doing this."(women are far to smart to be bothered by this). maybe even with a nod. if they question it, say "i really apreciate your sacrifice" then walk away. another good one is to tuck one leg of your pants partially into your sock, in such a way that it leaves the veiwer unsure whether or not it's meant to be there. it's all about playing mind games with people. act crazy, but only to the extent that they question whether it's their own sanity, or yours that is going.

Spend 10 years teaching them Cobol, then tell them they have to use Windows and learn Visual Basic. Usually works.

Reminds me of a story about the student hall I was in during my first year at University. Apparently some guy went home for the holidays, and when he returned, all the furniture was gone from his room, and there was grass laid, complete with a real live sheep grazing!

Probably urban legend, but still a hoopy idea.

Here's a good one, courtesy of a colleague of mine, who once worked at a company with a lobby at the front and a receptionist on the front desk. Every lunch time, he and his mates would push the office doors open and walk through the lobby, straight past the poor woman, making sure that at the exact moment they opened the door, one of them was uttering a suitably surreal and utterly fake punchline to a non-existent joke, at which the others would laugh their heads off.
For example: "..and he said 'No, I thought *you'd* bought the red and white turnip!'" "Ha ha ha ha ha!!" etc.
I thought this was a very good example of how to make someone feel left out

Marry them. to someone else if possible.

Well, go on main street and look for some dog-s**t (try to get some from a reallyreally big dog), but attention: it should be fresh and wet and not too packed.
Carefully fill it into some paperbag.
Put the the bag somewhere in front of your sufferer's door.
Set fire on the bag, then shout out "FIRE" loudly, and quickly get away.

Now you can watch, how the sufferer runs out of his/her office, sees the burning bag, and trys to step-out the fire.
Nothing better than the smell of fresh doggie-s**t on the shoes of one's enemy!

Hint: Be sure, that the to-sufferer is inside his room at that action. And better not try it at home!

Leave a note for somebody :

"I've got something important to tell you, but as I don't want to spoil your weekend I'll tell you on Monday."

Make sure they can't get hold of you until Monday. Then tell them "It couldn't have been all that important, I've forgotten what it was about!"

OK, new to h2g2 but here's my 2 bucks worth.
Some oldies but goodies:

Take the wheelchair ramps away from an old peoples home and hit the fire alarm...unfortunately this only results in old people suffering.

Go up to a blind person at a busy intersection and make a noise like the walk signal doopa-doopadoopadoop...NOTE: only works effctively if you have Hightower (of Police Academy fame) Like powers....

Give Dyslexic people a copy of the King James Version Bible to read...backwards......

there are more...but i think i will pace myself in order to prevent blow-out...

Suffering....hrm...

Well, true suffering is always emotional, and the classic way to do it is to gain someone's trust as strongly as you can and then let them down in as horrible a way as possible. Anything you can do to destroy their plans or their possibility of creating new ones adds to the effect.

For example, consider the plight of my friend. His girlfriend of 2 years brought him out of a world of violent depression, allowed him to spend all of his money as well as money he didn't have on her and told him that she loved him, and that she would eventually marry him. She was even able to relieve him of his virginity, something which he had been quite smug about keeping until marriage, like a good catholic.

Then, she takes off to Africa, and within the week of her departure e-mails to tell him she had never loved him, did not want to hear from him, would not pay him the back rent that he owed her and in fact never wanted to hear a word from him again. This, of course, coming only a few hours after the call from the jewelery store saying that his five thousand dollar engagement ring was completed.

This, almost certainly, was the cruelest suffering I have ever known a man to endure. The Marquis Du Sade, Stalin, Hitler, the pharoahs of Egypt, the Aztecs...of all the cruelties these brutal men were, they can never reach the extremity that a single woman can place upon a man.

Oh, and here are a few more:

The two things I hate more than anything else in the world are uncertainty and invisibility. If the person is someone you are likely to deal with often, endeavour to make them perfectly invisible in your eyes. When they speak, do not answer. Do not speak in regard to them or as if they weren't there. Just simply ignore them at all costs, but be careful not to be rude to other speakers in the meantime (e.g. don't interrupt the sufferer when he is speaking, instead wait for them to finish and continue the conversation as if they had never spoken at all). Look through them if you must look in their direction. Do not let them feel simply ignored, instead, make them question their own perception. I have had this done to me, and the suffering it caused me to create several very fine poems.

Furthurmore, it is important to tailor the suffering (which should always be psychological, or else it's hardly worth the fight. Physical and farcical suffering is simple to assuade, through willpower or redirection, but it is impossible to ever heal a psychological scar) to the party at hand. If the party has a beloved object, say a car or some sort of chotsky or knick knack which has important significance to them, alter it. Alter it maliciously but not destructively, and do not simply destroy or steal it. Alter it in such a way that it is forever changed but not so much that they'll dispose of it. The party that chose to make me invisible found my full name scratched into their new Volkswagon above the driver's side lock, an almost impossible area to touch up without expensive repainting. They might pretend I didn't exist, but I know damned well they know who I am, and always will.

However, if malicious, farcical pranking is up your alley, one time they stole my roommate's bed. He was out until 3, came home quite panzered, and in the dark jumped into empty space where his bed was. When it was obvious he wasn't dead, I couldn't tell him where they had hidden it for I couldn't stop laughing. Another fun thing is to never quite pass them the salt at the dinner table, and instead make sure it goes to everybody else at the table first. Many people, especially Americans, are not patient, and expect that salt passing should be as immediate as a bucket brigade.

OH!...me and a room-mate did this one when we were living at youth hostel....

Find an old smoke detector and an almost flat 9 volt battery these smoke detectors have a built in habit of making a short high-pitched peep when their battery is running down they beep intermittently and not quite long enough to locate the source....very annoying.....hide one in their bedroom and see how sleepy they are in the morning...this will give you a good indication of whether they found it or not!...hehehe sleep deprivation is nasty...

We did this and found it 3 days later (very tired) inside our light shade! Escalation is a wonderful thing........

Speaking of Escalation....

Gifts can be another method of torture....after a bitter split, some friends of mine sent each other birthday gifts. One gave the other a banana sanwiched - mailed long distance, the other was a little more subtle:

as we know women can be a little picky about such things as weight and clothes he sent her some georgous underwear...into which she could not possibly fit....

the situation escalated a year later when the underwear was return to sender as a birthday gift wrapped in 3 rolls of glad wrap and vaseline....

to my knowledge the underwear now resides on her front lawn in the middle of a very large tractor tyre...filled with cement....at the rate she is chipping away it should be returned to him in the year 2004..i will be awaiting the next installment...