h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I think this is a subject with enough material to make a decent thread, so here goes:

"In our 'Help' section you'll find a survey of all possible questions and their respective answers." (in an e-mail by proxis.com)
ALL possible questions? Come on guys, you know it isn't even true with respect to your company, let alone the rest of he universe.

"Guiness: It gives you strength"

There are generations of enfeebled Irishmen who give the lie to that one.

It's a bit old school, that one, I guess.

Of course that depends... if the help page in question has the number 42 on it somewhere then they're covered




I'll get me coat!

"We are United".

"if the help page in question has the number 42 on it somewhere then they're covered"

Well, they might have all the answers then, but not all questions. And we all know that's the important part.

How about this,

Micro$oft asserts that their products are bug free and that faults occur due to user error.

Right, I'm talking to you, here, well-known supermarket chain with a head office in Cheshunt.

Who on earth came up with the idea of putting a little note on your Chicken AND MUSHROOM PASTIES that says '100% Chicken Breast'?

Eh?

>> Micro$oft asserts that their products are bug free and that faults occur due to user error. <<

Can't disagree with that one. The "user error" in question is obviously "buying a Micro$oft product".

I would agreee that Micro$oft products are definitely not superior however buying and using them should not be classed as an error. Micro$oft are bad, in fact they're the worst, but their products still provide viable solutions. Even if they are inferior.

My local ASDA has signs everywhere that say "We're here to help" and yet when I ask where something is or whether an item is out of stock 9 times out of 10 I get the answer "don't know"

And just don't get me started on MuckDonalds...

"McDonald's also recognises the importance of a balanced diet and life­style and continues to seek quality new products which satisfy customers' expectations for taste and value."

I don't know if you all suffer from infomercials and insomnia like I do, but these are just crock full of marketing BS. Usually something to do with hair or cellulite removal, i.e. "With Lumpy Vanish, you just rub the cream into your thighs, and in 3 weeks the cellulite is gone! Just look at these before and after photos! (cut to horrible cottage cheese thighs. Cut to photo of thigh of swimwear model of similar ethnicity). For only $69.99, you too can brave the beach with sexier, slimmer thighs! Can you *really afford* to miss out?!?!?!?!?"

How about the ones that put exact percentages on purely subjective things?

'Crows feet reduced in appearance by up to 7 years'

'Leaves your hair looking 53% sleeker'

I mean, WTF?

I saw an advert some time ago for some hair product since with wild statistics like that. In ghost writing so faint it was difficult to make out they gave you the numbers involved in the study - it was somethign like 126 women. 56% of whom had sid "X" did wonders for my dandruff etc.

The percentages are skewed from the outset.

I got jumping-up-and-down-and-yelling mad last week when I heard that some complete NERK from Head Office for South West Trains announced that the trains were not 'over-crowded', merely 'crowded' which was a good thing as it prooved how popular their services were. As a SWT victim twice a day four times a week, I can assure everyone that when a train is so full you can't actually get on it (late for work AGAIN argh argh argh) it is OVERcrowded, dangerously so in fact, and I want to meet the fool who came up with the whole 'no such thing as overcrowding' and - punishment enough - make him do my commute every morning and evening for a month. And then see what he things of SWT's positive marvellous 'crowding'.

Standing room only (read elbow to elbow breath in to let people pass)I encountered the heart warming message on a Virgin train bound from london to edinburgh - the the overcrowding would lessen somewhere around Leeds.

I got off at Birmingham.

I feel 56% less sleek than I did yesterday. My hair is 41% shinier, but I have 62% more tangles and 75% more crow's feet. My elbows are 4 years older than the rest of my body.

I've posted this elsewhere but nobody seemed interested (perhaps it's just not interesting):

According to the commercials IAMS dog food costs just as much as an apple, as indeed does IAMS cat food. The odd thing is in the dog food ad an apple is 25p but in the cat food ad it is 15p.

Where are these dog and cat apples? Do supermarkets sell cat apples cheaper than dog apples?

F

An obvious one (and one discussed in depth here) was Microsoft's claim that they were closing their chat rooms due to the paedophile risk.

The BBC are big offenders too. "Eastenders: everyone's talking about it". I haven't heard anyone talking about it, and if they do I make myself scarce.

A couple of oldies but goodies:

"The world's favourite airline"...not!
"We're getting there"...apart from all the cancellations, breakdown, delays etc.