h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A rubber chicken with a Bob Evans sausage in an odd place hit him square on the nose, and instead of being angry he pee'd himself giggling. Lucy and Arthur looked at Merlin suspiciously, as they'd never actually seen the man chuckle, much less go into such a fit of giggles. Soon the normal effects of a giggling mass became apparent, and the whole Quartet (Death had heard the odd noise and had showed up on the scene to investigate) was rolling on the floor, holding onto various parts of their anatomy.

The gam, seeing this odd ritual and thinking it was some form of epileptic siezure, began backing away slowly, and soon were running for...

the dimensional shifter/temporal paradox machine. Yes, it was this very machine that not only allowed the mauve weasels the ability to make dimensions twist and convulse as they chose, keeping this story going and going and going and going and going and going . . . plus, this was also the reason that the mauve weasels could never be totally destroyed. They had put a sample of their DNA in the temporal paradox portion of the machine, which allowed them to always come back, no matter how they were destroyed!

Several hours later, our group of heroes awoke in a darkened room. They were totally surrounded by the mauve weasels *AND* the army of sassy robots! The leader of the weasels approached Merlin and said, "Now that you're here, you can finish our machine and make us totally invinceable!"
"It looks finished to me" Merlin said.
"That's the problem. It was never invented. The temporal paradox machine needs to be created *after* it exists, and only you with your time traveling skills can make it for us!"
"Why should I help you!"
"Because, we promise to stop the dimensional shifting" the leader of the mauve weasels said, fingers crossed behind its back. "Now, do you need anything to help build the machine?"
Merlin thought, and tried to consider a way he could use this to his advantage in the war against the weasels. "Why, yes. Bring me my telephone booth!"

Later, while the weasels were gone, Arthur asked Merlin how the phone booth would help. "You haven't been reading this message. The mauve weasels always come back because their DNA is in the temporal paradox machine. Now, that means that . . ."

Just about now, the mauve weasels came back. Merlin, Lucy, Death, several weasels, and Possibly Arthur all began to work, following Merlin's orders exactly. Several hours later, when the machine had been finished, Merlin said "Turn it on."

Now, because these parts had come from Merlin's telephone booth, which had some of the T-Rex's blood on it, as soon as the machine was activated, the colossal, yet friendly, T-Rex appeared, and stomped on both machines! "Now, that both machine's are destroyed, the mauve weasels can't have possibly ever been brought back! You see, I saved the day" Merlind said.

Bruce the Spider, who had been waiting and plotting since the beginning of this chapter said, "Ah, but you have created a temporal paradox! The dinosaur was brought with the machine that had not been built yet, and he destroyed it first! This ending is impossible! Because of that, the universe will collapse in a terrible temporal paradox, and I will now have my final revenge!"

"Oh dear," says Merlin. "I hadn't thought of that." The universe promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

The End?

BTW, if you really, really *really* don't want to finish this story, let's just start another chapter. I just thought we were building up to a really nice little climax. And I wanted to use the dinosaur again . . .

Hmm, well I suppose the story has to end somewhere, and maybe, just maybe it should end now (before even getting its own Guide entry!) so we can start another one, although I have a hunch that the next one will be full of inside jokes about this one.

Anyhow, there's no reason why they can't just move to another universe, or have saved themselves with the time machine before that happened... after all, that was only the second universe they'd been in, and there must be another one for hire somewhere.

If we do start another chapter of this story though, it should be in the new Guide entry.

Lets face it, it doesn't really matter what the story is. There will always be bob evans sausage and if I have my way, sassy robots. And we have gotten a little limited in the story by trying to resolve issues that people wrote 10 weeks ago. But we still don't have a name for the guide entry. I guess we should discuss that a little bit more in "what should we name our story2?" and then I (or whoever) will make the entry.

Well, I really had fun. I'm sorry that I ended it, but you're right. It does have to end somewhere. However, I'm glad I put the question mark on the 'the end'. Now, three orders of buisiness:
1)What shall we name the actual story?
2)What shall we name the Guide Entry?
3)Who will write the Guide entry?

That, plus the fact that I'd like TDV to write a book based on this story, and pay all of us equal portions of the profits! Can you say "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"? I can.

Um...I think Peta is a woman's name. And yes, by story pages it seems reasonable that she meant guide entries; what we have here are not guide entries but conversations within a forum, based on the guide entry "Ask h2g2." But I don't quite see how we're supposed to make these threads hang off of the new guide entry/ies, unless we just include links to them, I guess ...

I'd suggest links to the first three chapters, and book II or chapter IV... Let's face it, we're not going to let the story end here.. Purple never found out for sure who his dad is, I have no idea where Tawoshisname went off to, the Mauve/Green weasel never got their idea off the ground and if -someone- doesn't get that sword out of the stone then King Arthur books 'round the world will disappear from the shelves. )

(No to mention the ending was just all too convenient. )

Ack.. That will teach me to interupt a sentence with a completely different thought.. That should, of course, have been ... Book II or Chapter IV hanging from the new entry, rather than here on ask h2g2.

Whatever, personally I am starting not to give a piece of monkey cartilage as to whether or not we start a new story, continue this one, or blow our own brains out with a spork. Pretty soon we will decide the title of the guide entry (not the story) and we can continue for their. We should really just focus on the guide name for now cuz If we don't then the story will end and we won't have anything to do. Anyway so if you haven't spoken yet in the "what should we name our story2?" forum then do it soon. I guess though I should of said what should we name our guide entry.
(By the way, sorry PETA bought the name thing, I personally assumed it was a handle that was some personal joke. And besides on first instinct I assume anything should be referred to as he or him. Even sigfreid & roy.

Ouch. Are you okay now?

Well it turns out that the spork doesn't work well in suicide. But explosives do. Ofcourse I don't understand how to work explosives and that wouldn't work. Without this story though I may search the guide for explosive lessons cuz I have a seriously short attention span. And this story changes so frequently that it feeds my need. I mean you can't just take it away from me, its like heroin. I mean not that I know anything about heroin (seriously I don't) hehe, don't do drugs kids.

Um... when did who imply Peta was a man? I couldn't find it in any recent posts.

Follow the little blue line

Not that it matters, of course, as this sort of thing happens all the time on the 'Net.

"EXCUSE ME!" shouted Merlin who was floating around with the others in universal nothingness. "I don't give a toss what the book is called - I have got an enormous problem to sort out here and you guys have interrupted my existence to discuss a book title and film rights". "Yeah, said Death - don't mess with me - I was enjoying that steel mill". "And Arthur hasn't shagged me for ages" said Lucy. At that very point a passing time lord spotted the foursome, "Can I help?" he said. "I believe we have some problem with the title of a book that has led to the total destruction of the universe - could you please go back to the point that this happened for me and come to some agreement about the location of Chapter 4 for me as I have got some business to get on with". "Sure thing" said the time lord "See you soon". So off he went and.... (Go for it guys.....).

Arthur, who had been listening to the outside conversatiion mused, "Ya know, this reminds me of the story of Everybody, Somebody, Anyone and Nobody. You know, where Anyone could have done it, but Everybody though Somebody would, so it ended up that Nobody did what Anyone could have done."

Lucy chimed, "I have that somewhere... let me check my notes."

Merlin continued to stare menacingly out of nowhere at the crowd gathered somewhere.

(Submitted for your approval:
http://www.h2g2.com/A255007 )

Meanwhile Tallulah and Biff, were quite offended because noone had mentioned them lately.. Therefore they decided to go and join the others. Of course, the time dimensions lead to the fact that they had no idea were Possibly Arthur were, and they decided to jump on the first purple bus they saw..

go to anonymouse's new guide entry http://www.h2g2.com/A255007
So lets go there and have fun. P.S. I think anonymouse did a good job.

There is a new story started at:

http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=32300&thread=37615

And Chapter 4 is at:

http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=32300&thread=37617

And if anyone would rather start a different story, you can start a new thread there, and perhaps someone would like to start Merlin and the gang off on a new adventure in Book II, or whatever you'd like to do.

'Nonnie