h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have caller ID on my phone at work so I can see who's calling me.......I normally answer my phone along the lines of..

Hello, Sexy Susies massage palour, if you're paying, we're playing....

Most people laugh, but some have taken to trying to book an appointment...

Hmm, as I'm on an extension which only about three people outside the company have, it usually gets one of the following:

- Whaddayowant?
- War office, wanna fight?
- Lunatic asylum, duty idiot on line
- IT support, what have you broken this time?
- The answer is no, definitely not, no chance and not before next wednesday.... Now what was the question?
- I'm sorry, the office is closed due to a complete and total interest failure... please go and bother someone else...


(The last one is nearly always used when my boss is calling )

At work it was "Maoin Cheoil an Chláir, Andrew speaking", at home it's "Andrew here".

"Prosim?" is lovely, I wish there were an English equivalent.

The Spanish say "Digame" which means "talk to me".

Harpo Marx's son says he used to call him up from college from time to time just to hear his gentle voice saying "Yaaa . . . this is Haaapo".

Good Library.

Then growl as someone starts up with "Oh hello Library....." and starts laughing on the other end of the phone.

It's usually the boring old "Good [time of day], [company name]." Unless of course a call is transferred in which case I generally give 'em my name as well.

Frequently get confused though and can't remember what time of day it is ... why is it so funny saying Good Afternoon when it's 9:15am?

At home it's usually just a "Hello" although fun can be had by pretending to be the answer phone ... and "Yes, What?" always keeps people on their toes.

Incidentally, the "What we've got here ..." monologue was half inched by G'n'R from Cool Hand Luke which is recommended viewing if only for the 50 hardboiled eggs in an hour scene ...

If I recognise the number:

- Hello Darling/Sweetie/Mum/Dad/Tara/Grandmama* (delete as applicable)

or

- Stop stalking me.


If I don't recognise the number:

- Yes, hello.

If I ever get the chance to answer someone elses phone its usually with "Hello gay men in cycling shorts how can i pleasure you"

I don't work at the moment, but I used to answer the phone in the fakest cheeriest voice proclaiming that it was a good whatever time of the day, and then my name.

My mobile, however, is always answered with one on the following:

"If I wanted to talk to you I would have called you."

"No, whatever it is no"

"What do *you* want?"

"Here comes the beep, you know what to do" - Then the caller is confused as that's also my voicemail message!!

Usually "war office, wanna fight?" Although one day I shall do it to a very important client, and be in the serious tutty...

At work - first name, surname, hello.

At home - Allo. (Get more incoming calls in French than English)

Used to answer the phone at my parents with the phone number.

Sprout

Blues Shark is the only person who phones me except Peta occasionally, so they are lucky if they get 'hello', rather than "harroo?"

Depending on where I am in the building:

'Hello, inter-library loans office'

or

'Good , library, can I help you?'

I never give my name!

Good morning The Tanning Shop, Richmond, Jo speaking.

", this is John"

Boring, hmm?

I work in an elementary school, so just say "Hello", usually, but if my caller is a Spanish speaker, (I teach Spanish/English bilingual classes), I say "Bueno".

I used to be a bookstore clerk, where I had to say "Good morning (afternoon) Phoenix Bookstore, this is Dawn speaking, how may I help you?" which in my opinion is way too long, and which I usually only said if the boss was around Otherwise I shortened it to "Phoenix Bookstore".

I have also worked as a pharmacy technician and while I usually just said "Streu's Pharmacy" when answering the phone, on occasion, my cousin, (one of the pharmacists) when he knew who the caller was going to be, would answer the phone in a loud growling voice, saying, "MIXED VEGETABLES! THIS IS CORN!!"

I have been laughed at in the past for the way I answer the phone. It's hard to explain using text, but here goes:

"heee... lo?"

My answering machine has a very surly: "Solicitors and telemarketers may piss off. Anyone else, please leave us a message."

In reply to Ben (post 20). When we had a machine with a tape I did any number of mad things.

The best two were the Warner Cartoon theme tune with Bugs at the end saying Neaaaaah! What's up Doc? and Check this out with some of Under Pressure by ZZ Top

Malus

At the office party a guy answered the phone and it was a customer asking a technical question. He said "I'm sorry I'm just too p*ssed to help" and hung up.

At work most of my calls are internal, and I answer or (there's only one of me, if you see what I mean). Even if it's external I usually answer the same way - people who phone my company don't get me unless they specifically want my department and get transferred, we're a bit specialised. Either that or it's friends or family, and they know where I work!

If it's my mobile I usually answer, 'Hiya', home phone - it's for her!