h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Me and a friend can't decide whether babies are noisy stink machines or stinky noise machines... it's very important that we know this as both of us are married and both of our wives want kids eventually.

When your baby smiles at you, you'll forget the noise and the stink. Unfortunately, they don't smile for the first six weeks or so.

You can control the stink to some extent by giving them a sensible diet. For example, under no circumstances should you feed them courgettes, at least until they're fully independent in the toilet department.

But surely the most important question is does the newborn look like a bulldog, ET or Winston Churhill

My latest niece has always been asleep when I've seen her, so no noise (apart from that created by her brothers and sister) and if there is ever a stinky situation, that's when it's time to hand her back to the parents.

Or Phil from eastenders...

They’re vomiting noisy stink machines.

Phil has the right idea - though I personally think the wrong age. I'd rather deal with something that's out of nappies and that can comunicate.

Changing nappies is a trivial task if it's your own baby. Particularly if it is a girl baby. The vomit, on the other hand, can be a real nuisance.

I've found that the type of scraper you use for wallpaper is handy for lifting vomit off carpet. Press down hard beside the offending patch and slide it under.

Used for dog vomit, but I'd imagine the principle is the same.

Baby vomit tends to be a lot more liquid than dog vomit (I have first hand experience of both).

Actually yes, I'd imagine it would come to think of it. The scraper method might just sluice it into a wider area!

Ironically, this thread is making me want to vomit.

A baby is an alimentary canal that takes in nourishment at one end and is anti social at the other. I love them, marinated over night in tomato and garlic then lightly char grilled.

But can you do it underwater?

They're antisocial at both ends WanderingAlbatros.

Wicked Lot!!

Babies are beautiful from birth to 9 months.. then they learn to crawl, walk and talk..

Oh! And that is also when the stink factor rises dramatically

Sorry, still can't see any reason for wanting one. Or indeed anything that is under the age of about 3 or 4, and even then only if it's fully potty trained and understnads the meaning of the magic word NO.

Small babies don't smell much at all their 'vomit' is only milk and they don't do anything resembling real poo for at least 6 months (till they start taking more solid food) so their just sleepy occassional noise machines..and worth every minute!

Well it seems that in most cases, in order to get one aged 3 or 4 you have to start with one aged 0 (or -9 months and an early night) and grow it yourself.

k, cluck, cluck, cluck.

Feeling a bit broody, Kel?

Bwwwaaaaaaaaaaak! Very much so, but it is not on the budget spreadsheet until next year. Still, am enjoying practising how to get one Want to be sure we're doing it right after all...