h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I met Prince Charles once, he was a nice chap, he doesn't eat properly you know, his schedule's often too busy, he'd skipped lunch the day i met him. I advised him to get a better union, and asked him what his mum would say if she knew he wasn't eating properly. He's really affable, but practically incapable of having a relaxed conversation.

A bloke I know once served drinks to Mrs Windsor. He nearly hit the roof when she ordered him to approach with "Come, come!". A nearby courtier smoothed things over.

I think that the royal family's role is almost defunct and, with the exception of occasional charity work, they do nothing of actual importance. They have no real governmental role, and have become just a media tool. When they do speak for themselves, they are either slated by the media, or make fools of themselves.

If i wanted to see actors badly reading from scripts, i'd watch neighbours. It seems to me that their only real use is to sell newspapers.

This might make a good talking point, actually. I'd like to read some pro-monarchy arguments. If only because I can't think of any...

Harry is said to have become more unmanageable over the past two years. There are allegations that he has on several occasions been so drunk at parties that he has vomited.

One was not amused. A servant was the first to guess her displeasure when she paused at the entrance to the dining hall, and stomped down hard on his right foot. He dared to gasp out loud. What insolence! You just couldn't get good servants any more. He needed a lesson in his terms of employment.
"What is it exactly that you do here?"
"Footman, ma'am."
"There you go, then."
Her husband and her eldest son sat in silence, and rose in silence when she walked in to take her place at the head of the table. She glared at them: they were bodies that rode back in fright from their long, downcast noses.
Dinner was served. "What's this muck?" she asked.
"Swan fritters, ma'am."
"Again?"
The clank of silver spoons chipped away at the silence, and then she turned to her son and asked, "Read anything interesting in the paper today?"
"Oh, Mother."
"Don't you 'oh, Mother' me. Where is that dreadful boy, anyway?"
"Doing his homework."
"Oh, I bet he is," smirked her husband, and tippled an invisible glass.
"Now, look here," said the son. "He's done rehab. He's cleaned up. And telling the papers about it has been considered a good move. It's nipped a scandal in the bud."
His mother raised an eyebrow. "Scandal. Yes. That reminds me. Are we to be denied the pleasure of dining this evening with the Mistress Royale?"
"Oh, Mother. She has a name."
"I bet she does," winked his father.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Don't talk to me like that. Who do you think you are? The King?"
The footman limped in, and, carried steaming tureens of fox liver with a nightingale glaze to the table. Her son sensitively enquired, "Is there something else eating you, Mother?"
She sighed. "That blasted painting, for a start. Freud! Should've known there'd be trouble with a name like that."
Her son and her husband turned sideways to peek at the portrait of her, and shivered. Silence reigned like a powerful monarch over the table.
"And another thing," said the object of the fiendish portrait. "One was reminded today of one's forthcoming tour to the colonies."
"Where now?"
"New Zealand."
"Oh, God," said her husband.
"You'll like it, Father. Plenty of ethnic minorities to offend."
"Savages?"
"If you say so. But what's wrong with going to New Zealand, Mother? Good scenery. Horses. Lord of the Rings. Some splendid architecture. And I understand they're very go-ahead on organic farming."
"Yes," she said. "They throw a good egg."
"Ah," said her son. "I remember that. But I expect it should be mostly very hospitable. Who's the Governor-General?"
"Haven't the foggiest."
"The Prime Minister?"
"Clark someone."
"What about the press? Are they on our side?"
"I'm told so. But all the same, one can expect them to raise that horrid 'r' word."
Her husband looked up. "Ragheads?"
"No, dear. Republicanism."
"Oh, that."
"It'll blow over, Mother. It always has."
"Perhaps. It's sweet of you to say. But it's just so ... I mean, one does one's best, for 50 years, to wave and smile, to do what's right, one leaves them to get on, and then they bring up the 'r' word. What has one ever done to them? Why are they like that? Where," she demanded, "is a bit of simple respect?"
A loud and insistent banging thundered onto the ceiling. She sighed. Picking up a bottle of brandy, she said, "I'd better go and check on Mum."

Good stuff, Looney - except that the old woman drinks gin.
OK, who among you has turned down an invite to Buck House? or even to an embassy garden party for HM's birthday?

A friend and colleague of Mrs Kebab is a (Labour) councillor. He received an invitation (as part of a group) to a garden party with HM at Buck House. He didn't go. According to Mrs Kebab, he said, 'She doesn't come to my barbecues, I'm not going to her party.'

Good on him, say I!

i wouldn't enjoy one of her parties, the stifilingly formal atmosphere would suck. i'd rather go to a party with friends, and spend the evening drunkenly singing along to queen's 'bohemian rhapsodiy' in a room of thrasing air guitarists when the rock bit comes in.

Sounds like you'd be more comfortable at one of Harry's dos!

ha ha, i probably would. it seems to me that harry is being criticized for being normal, and doing things which everyday teenagers do.

I agree. I held a straw poll amongst my friends to find one that hadn't been in a pub for a drink by the time they were 16. Then I tried again at work. Unanimous.

I think that there have been plenty of royal antics over the years that are more objectionable than having the occasional gargle. And I'm not greatly disturbed that he's supposed to have 'experimented with' (experimented with! Pah! Do they mean 'tried'?) dope. Provided I'm not expected to pay for it.

Mind you, they've calmed down a bit since the days when they used to lock each other up in the Tower and have their wives and brothers executed. Now they just brief against each other in the News of the World. Bit pathetic really.

The issue is not whether the royals are nice people or not.
What bugs me is the hereditary principle.

What makes Prince Charles more qualified for head of state than a non-royal? What if Prince Harry would rather be an architect than a head of state? Why should someone's job and life be decided for them at the moment of conception?

That's my quibble. So if Elisabeth was to be elected our president, I would be delighted to be a citizen under her. I just think that being a subject of the monarch has past its time.

Mr.Cynic

The use of the words 'experimented with' does seem a bit odd, doesn't it. 'I tried sticking it in my ear, but there was no effect...'

I think the tried and tested British method of selecting the head of state in the privacy of the bedroom has a lot more going for it than the American farce of selection by the ageing unelected nobodies on the Supreme Court.

Think about it. Who would you prefer to welcome important guests to your country. Betty or Dubya?

Talking about unelected nobodies, I wonder who the cardinals will select as the next Pope and who Tony Blair will appoint as Archbishop of Canterbury.

I think the term "experimenting" is often used to suggest that it's a phase and that they don't do it to enjoy it. A typical example of using words to make the truth of a situation fuzzy, in other words.

The Pope is elected. It may be a select electorate, but elected he still is.

Agreed. The unelected nobodies are the cardinals.

I'm just working my self up to a good old rant. YEP, THE CAPS LOCK WORKS.

Watch this space.

The pope is elected in an undemocratic way.

In the same way that MPs are elected using an undemocratic system - which does not necessarily reflect the actual views of the populate.

Unless the result of an election reasonably reflect the way the populate felt, it is not democratic.

So the pope is no shining example of democracy!

Surely the biggest tragedy is that the hard work of the 'Boycott the Golden Jubilee' Campaign is in danger of being a complete waste of time?