h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Found this article today, about resilience. Resilience is a wonderful thing, it's given me and any number of people I know the opportunity to enjoy a wonderful, fulfilling life. I've know some people who weren't very resilient- they seem to bitterly resent those of us who manage to be. I've been accused of being shallow, bitter, hard, any number of things... hope all of my friends here will read this and see a bit of themselves. And maybe learn better how to deal with those people you encounter who resent your happiness.

Here's a link: http://articles.health.msn.com/id/100108060?GT1=7003

Here's an idea of what it has to say:

"One problem is, there are elements of our culture that glorify frailty, says Washington, D.C. psychiatrist Steven Wolin, M.D. There is a whole industry that would turn you into a victim by having you dwell on the traumas in your life. In reality you have considerable capacity for strength, although you might not be wholly aware of it.

"Sometimes it is easier to be a victim; talking about how other people make you do what you do removes the obligation to change."

Very nice link. Very thoughtful.

I didn't read it all. I just sort of skimmed it because I think I get what they're saying anyways

It seems to me that we glorify suffering a little too much. If you don't want to suffer and sacrifice yourself you're immoral. Why do we preach morality focused arounds sacrifice rather than preservation and happiness?

I agree, suffering is glorified too much. People who've suffered illness or adversity and cope with/get over it are almost looked down upon sometimes.

>Resilient people do not let adversity define them. They find resilience by moving towards a goal beyond themselves, transcending pain and grief by perceiving bad times as a temporary state of affairs.<

I've made a couple of friends during the past few years who suffer from bipolar disorder, and some friends with debilitating physical illnesses, and every time I communicate with these people, I see them shine. They're intelligent, articulate, and vivacious. A few of them are talented artists, one a fabulous cook and brilliant writer. Even when bad things happen to them, I see them carry on. And it makes me proud to call them friends.

So, carry on, my friends!

for them!

It's good that people believe that they *should* be happy and that happiness, rather then suffering, is what man should live for

I think that half the battle is taking responsibility for your actions, and also allowing the past to be the past. We exist now, in this particular second of time, not 20 years ago, or next week. Does that make sense??

What came into my head was a comedy I saw recently: One of the characters was constantly overreaching himself, misreading situations totally and generally being a pain in the a***. Whenever his plans backfired, he blamed his wife (it was quite funny ... truly). But ... how often do you see people refusing to move, denying the truth about their past, present and probably future, and being totally unhappy about it. By the same token, these things are survival strategies - they may seem flawed to outsiders, but help the person to survive in difficult circumstances.

I don't know. All I know is that people tell me I'm SO STRONG, and most of the time I feel like a soggy marshmallow of emotional (un)fortitude.

It can backfire sometimes though. I get the "oh, you're so strong!" stuff a lot but sometimes i just really wish i could occasionally get taken care of, rather than being the carer all the time. Not often; just sometimes. Plus i *do* whinge when things are really ; i think you have to express that or it festers & gets worse.

But dwelling on the past, no, i used to, but now i just think "sod it, what happened, happened, it's gone now, those people aren't around to hurt me any more, it's up to ME now!"

It was funny, yesterday Karen said to me "i love being with you Terri, you constantly find outrageous ways to deal with any situation; maybe not very appropriate ways, but hell, it's fun!!!"

And also yesterday, a lady passing by with her little stopped to chat & was admiring the plants outside (& Yoda & skankypuppy) & she said "Do you know, i have changed the route i take doggy so that i can pass your house, it makes my day brighter."

Awwwww

So: SHE made My day brighter; what goes around comes around. But then the person i was with said after "huh; she has the face of an alcoholic, she is mad"

*sigh*

zdt

>you constantly find outrageous ways to deal with any situation; maybe not very appropriate ways, but hell, it's fun<

I like that about you, too!

It does help being cared *for* as well as doing the caring. And it's probably not as much help for people to care from a distance than to be present and able to help physically when needed.

We all whinge when things are , and venting can be good. I think whinging is only problematic when you expect the people you're whinging to to do something about it all the time, instead of being a bit proactive and finding ways to deal.

Indeed, Terri, I have long admired *your* ability to find yourself chin-deep in the sh*t and still come out of it smelling like a rose.

Hmm; wouldn't go that far, maybe a geranium; they like lots of manure!!!

But for the compliment, whinging & compliments are all part of life's rich pattern & all that.

zdt

Hi everybody!

I agree that some people are emotionally very resilient, and happy despite having hard pasts (or presents - don't forget that!). But some people *are* quite frail! I think maybe we shouldn't expect everybody to be equally strong. In my own case I'm quite frail. I am frequently terrorised by all sorts of horrors, many of them recurrences of bad stuff that happened in the past, and equally many of them involving expectation of bad things that are coming in the future. I don't resent people who are strong! I am happy for the people who are happy. I'm just not very happy myself, and it's not due to having had a particularly bad past, it's also due to not having a particularly good present, and also about having a future that is in all probability filled with terrible catastrophes, impending doom. And sometimes I myself am to blame, and sometimes other people *are* to blame and I'm talking about the present and the future as well. Anyways in my own case I think present, past and future are all important, and I'm *hoping* things will improve for myself and others though realistically they may not. In any case I don't personally think it is very important to be happy. I'm not very happy but it doesn't bother me much. For me my work is more important than my personal happiness and I'll be satisfied if when I die I can say I've made the world a bit better for other people, despite not always having been very happy myself. I experience a kind of satisfaction from doing something that is valuable that to me is more important than the mere 'feeling' of happiness. I don't expect everybody to be like that though! I think that may be a good thing to keep in mind ... people needn't all be the same in the way they respond to challenges, in the priorities they set, and so forth ... people shouldn't be expected to all conform to some particular model of 'coping'.

Another thing that the article says is that 'coping' *does* also involve relationships with others. I very strongly believe that human beings are interdependent. In a healthy society, people form networks of relationships and support by which they help each other, and they love each other, and this helps people to cope with problems. But when society breaks down, everything drops into a bottomless pit, people are suddenly isolated and extremely vulnerable. These situations exist in the world, in many places, not just the third world. But here in Africa we've seen many nightmare scenarios and to me this is a reminder that for all our bravado we are still not all-powerful. I think an awareness of our *limitations* can indeed be a good thing. I think as a species we should be humble, we should be compassionate and we should as much as possible love and help and support each other.

nothing that mankind or nature puts out will ever get me down, sadness etc is something that is not in my body or mind. what happens is history one second later, I look to the future and just get on with itmy smile never shuts down

But...remember that sometimes people need to be *helped* to cope.

Yes, resilience is 'a good thing.' But we can't go blaming those who haven't got the hand of it. Not everyone has the resources at hand at all times. I don't think people *try* to be victims.

>I don't think people *try* to be victims.<

Oh, but I have known people in the past who have done just that. It's been a few years, fortunately, but I have had at least one friend who merely wanted to be coddled and suck everyone else dry, making no effort whatsoever to help himself. After several months of being taken advantage of (and lending several hundred dollars for which I have received not even an offer of repayment), I had to tell this person I had nothing more to give... and that, of course, made me yet another "bad guy". Do you know what I mean? And I know of at least one other person here on h2g2 who has at least one person in his/her life who does this exact same thing.

At some point, a person's overall emotional well-being has to be at least partly his or her own responsibility, even if only to *ask* for help? And when offered help, not refuse, on the grounds that it's not the kind of help a person *wants*? Isn't there a difference between empathy/compassion, and pity?

<> (pc)

I'd say there is a huge difference. Feeling pity for someone is something I try to avoid as it seems to insult everyone involved.

<> (Edward)

I've known people who try very hard to be seen as victims, to the point that being a 'victim' becomes their raison d'être. And I have to say that I find these people extremely tiresome as they don't want to get better, be stronger, take responsibility . . . they'd rather that other people did that for them.


az

Well, yes, there are people who carve out their own niche as victims. I can think, for example, of a few whose main mode of conversation is moaning about their partners. They're never going to leave them - heck, they might still be in love - but it's a way to put themselves at the centre of attention.

But...>>At some point, a person's overall emotional well-being has to be at least partly his or her own responsibility, even if only to *ask* for help.

Yes and no. Some people are at the mercy of the old Chemicals In The Brain. Sometimes it can take a lot of untangling before the lightbulb knows that change is even an option. That's not to say that one has to give them whatever they ask for...but you can see that they might not be coming from a sensible place.

>Some people are at the mercy of the old Chemicals In The Brain. Sometimes it can take a lot of untangling before the lightbulb knows that change is even an option.<

Of course, but I didn't infer from this article that any reference was being made to people with legitimate mental illnesses or chemical imbalances. Oddly enough, the people I've known who've been diagnosed with mental illnesses or depression, and those I've known who moaned about being victimized, have not been the same people.

<>

This has also been my experience.


az

I have to agree with PC and azahar. I have known people who LOVE to play the victim at all times (and use me as a crutch).

Some people are content to continue feeling sorry for themselves and being emotionals to their closest friends.

Thankfully I discovered self-worth and don't allow them to do this anymore. There is only so much any one person can give.

It is never fun to be taken advantage of and any "friend" who does this is NOT doing it because they need your help. They're doing it because they want everyone to give them attention and sympathy.

This is a difficult one. I couldn't open the link, but have read all posts. Speaking as a daughter of a woman who has always been the victim, I can see it as a type if mental illness. She was unfortunately subjected to abuse as a child and never had anyone to comfort or listen to her. I do believe the brain was scarred psycologicaly(sp?) and keeps repeating a learned pattern. I know what is meant by an emotional as my mother used to suck all energy from me. My resiliance comes from experiencing these things, recognising it is not a good place to be, attaining self-worth and ways of protecting the myself.
I try to live in the present and have barriers against harmful people but yes, I do pity my mother who has never been enabled to learn a different way of coping with her past. It has left me with learned behaviour which tells me to take care of everyone but me. It is hard to un-learn, but I have awareness which is a start. Taking a big step by leaving hubbie and children to fend for themselves next week whilst I go to a retreat

I can definately relate to taking care of everyone but yourself. I've been there and I'm still trying to get out of it.

Out of the people I know who pull out the victim card constantly only one has any good reason to, and she does it the least! Most have perfectly nice lives at home and otherwise but find it easier to depend on others and suck their energy away!

Well, admittedly some of those people I've known over the years who didn't have it so nice at home, or didn't feel they did, are going to have some behaviors and thought patterns that aren't conducive to their happiness. But those behaviors and thought patterns can be unlearned.

My mother was pretty horrible to me. I haven't forgiven her by a long shot, but I don't carry a torch. I just don't have anything to do with her, period. And guess what? The end result is, she doesn't have *any* effect on me or my life. Rather than stunting my emotional growth, it's helped me to appreciate better just how good my life really is. Nothing from the past can hurt me now, and there's no point in worrying about the future, so I just live in the moment, and the moments can be pretty darn good.