h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As many of you know, I am gay and have been since I can remember. While I find the female form a thing of beauty, I do not find it sexually attractive. This, in part, made it very easy for me to accept who I was and the lifestyle I have chosen. To have always known my sexuality meant that I suffered little of the angst and none of the self realisation that tortures many people.

However, telling my parents was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. A little background. My mother is a good, solid, working class Bermondsey born and bred girl. She was brought up with strict family values and a sense of pride in her children that I imagine all mothers share when talking about their children. My father came from what I would describe as the fallen upper classes - the landed people whose wealth, through the generations, has been frittered away leaving behind the values and attitude but none of the cash to support it.

Mama I knew was always going to be a difficult case as she always said I would be the first to marry, the first to have kids (my sisters have their problems) and the one to carry on the rather long and history ridden family name. This is an incredible burden for any boy to carry and more so when the act of realising such demands is beyond your ken. Papa has always been more liberal in his thinking and indeed we believe his brother, my uncle - dabbled with his sexuality in the sixties...

I waited a long time to come out to my parents (I was outed at university (see below) and my sisters guessed a long time ago - filial love must be blind!). The reason for the delay was that my partner was ill for years and had died and I needed my time to grieve. Anyway, the day arrived and I literally just said,

'Mum, Dad, I'm gay'

Well, mum burst in to tears and my dad acknowledge the fact smiled at me and acknowledged my bravery (my mother is the most formidable woman - ask Sam!). My mum, through her tears said, and I quote,

'You're not gay, you've been corrupted...'

At which point I had to laugh and she then realised what she said was totally ridiculous and smiled. However, she then went on to say that I could not tell her family or friends or anyone. I immediately replied with words to the effect -

'Then if that is the case, you understand that I will leave this house and won't return unless you can fully accept me for who I am'

This was crunch time - Mama and I are as stubborn as each other. She relented and a heart-to-heart ensued. Coming out isn't easy, but the sense of relief is worth the agony. Having lied to my parents for so many years, it felt so good to be open at last.

The upshot is that my mother is aggressively proud of her gay son, she has told all her family about her son's sexuality and has even played hostess and met some of my partners (some - not all!). We are more united as a family now than we have ever been in the past which makes the whole process worthwhile.

*** On Being Outed At University ***

This is the funniest thing and actually saved me a lot of time. I was at a uni bash with a boyfriend and the largest mouthed girl on campus saw us stealing a snog. While my boyfriend went one way, I went to get our coats. In the crowded cloakroom and stairwell she yelled -

'Is that your boyfriend?'

to which I replied yes. She retorted, at the top of her voice:

'Do you have anal sex?'

Everyone looked at me, I blushed and sped away and she spread the gossip throughout the faculty. The upshot was she'd done me a favour by telling everyone, made herself look unsympathetic and gave me some kudos for a little while.

i am glad it worked out that well for you

What I am trying to say is that the reaction you get is usually not as dramatic as the one you are expecting...

it happened for me also, when i came out to my dad however, he did not respond, he just sort of sat there, no encouragement, and no discouragement,

Yes.. which is somewhat of an anticlimax...

I'd been steeling myself to finally tell my mother (after my sister was dropping all these really 'subtle' hints like: "Oh, did you know that Inanna's (well, actually she used my real name, but that's beside the point) become one of those really RADICAL feminists?") ...

... and she was fine. Her only comment was that "Well, I'd rather you'd have been heterosexual because you'd have an easier life that way"...

It was harder because I didn't have a girlfriend/partner - and hadn't had one - at the time. I think coming out is always easier if you're in a relationship..