A Conversation for Advice on Coming Out

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 1

Bels - an incurable optimist. A1050986

In one way, it's a pity to limit this discussion to the revealing of one's homosexuality to others. There are other 'secrets' that you might want to come out with. Religion is an obvious example: whether you are in a religious setting and discover you are actually an atheist, or in a secular milieu and have intense religious convictions, experiences even. Other examples are alcoholism, eating disorders, domestic violence - and there are other pursuits which are at present as illegal as homosexuality once was. There are many possibilities for 'coming out'.

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 2

The Frood (Stop Torture: A455528)

I think it's about gay coming out because it is not only an important topic for many people but Coming Out day is coming up, no? March 8th? 4th?

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 3

Researcher jaw25yo

Coming Out to your parents is one thing, but when a few years later you then come out as a drag queen, that opens up a new can of worms..........

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 4

Search Me (Mine to give to whom I will)

I missed the traditional coming out... it was sort of already accepted (but they could keep it quiet to a degree)... a sense of discomfort true, but liveable. Problem was I wasn't (or am I .. don't really care..read your own conclusions).. couldn't live a lie... now everyone knows.

Thing is my parents are now better than ever....

They've seen all the s**t I've had to go through.....and to be fair they've been there too. I think they are just happy I'm still here and happy than ever at that, despite it all.

....pity about my sister and husband.... (bitch and b*****d)


Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 5

Researcher 217118

I've found there is a simility to coming out in different areas.
eg. I'm bisexual AND an atheist. The number of people that PRESUME that I'm straight and religious is amazing, or maybe not. Given that society still only talks about being straight and religious as though there is no other option.


Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 6


Hi. I need some advice.
I want to come out. I am still in high school, my junior year. My school is mostly tolerent(I live in Southern California). I really only have three options on who to tell first. They are

-A. A straight friend. He is the friend I trust the most. However he hate the only other openly gay person he knows. I don't blame him I hate him too. He's not a nice person. But I'm not sure if how homophobic he is. I have tried to drop little tests in to casual conversation but I can make nothing of them.

-B Another straight friend. He is a dancer and I know he is accepting of gay people. He is also Muslim and knows how discrimination is. But I have herd him gossip some things that he shouldnt have. Some things that were very private. I want to come out slowly and don't want it leaked. So far everyone assumes that I am straight.

-C Someone who used to be my best friend. I moved away from him 2 years ago, but I still keep in touch by phone and we visit each other twice a year. I know he is accepting of gay people. I also know he can't leak it to anyone down here. He also can be very reassuring.

So, will someone please advise me on who to tell first and how to tell them? Please reply soon!

Thank you.

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 7



First things first, do not fret!!!

The most important thing is that you have come out to yourself and also that you should not be ashamed or embarrased about who you are.

I can understand how frustrating and also worrying it can be in your situation as i have been there myself.

Your friend mentioned in c) would be the type of person i would have chosen to come out to. As a person who used to be very close to you and probably still is, they are more likely to be "accepting" of you. They sound as if you trust this person and that this person will be the most appreciative of you and offer you the most support.

Although it is hard to pipe up the courage to tell this person it will be a huge weight off your shoulders and you will probably think "Why didn't i do this sooner!".

There are several options on how to tell someone and it is inevitably down to you, who you tell and how.

1.) Write them a letter explaining how you feel. By writing a letter you can re-start as many times as you like until your comfortable with it. Both you and the recipiant can think about the issue.

2.) Talking to them over the phone. You can directly tell your friend without facing them in person and being vunerable.

3.) Telling them face to face (my preferred option). Although this takes the most courage, i would suggest that this is the best method as your not hiding behind a phone or letter and you can be seen for who you are. Your friend can offer the best support this way, a smile or a hug for example. Of which can not be expressed over a phone or in a letter.

I hope that the above has made sense and has helped you in someway. Best of luck and remember that the more people you tell the easier it tends to get so hang in there if it doesn't go as you'd like it, but who knows you may be surprised at the reaction you get, I know i was!!!

All the best.

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 8


Hi Dengarm, I agree with beanie, I'd talk to c) because you need someone you can trust. When I came out, I told my best friend who turned out to be both homophobic and a gossip and it was rough, very quickly my circle of friends got to know long before I wanted them to. Most, incidentally, were totally cool about it but going to an all-boys school there are going to be idiots. Congratulations on finding the strength to be honest, I've had a rough life in other areas and coming out is by far the hardest thing I've had to do (only 18 though) Good luck and if you need to unload I'm around h2g2 an awful lot

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 9


Thanks guys. I'm going to be talking to Ryan in the next few days, by phone obviously, and I'll keep you posted. This is very reassuring and helpful. Especially since I just realized that I just came out to you guys and anyone else who cares to read this. Keep the advice coming in.


Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 10


Yeah for indecision!

The only thing about Ryan (A.K.A. C) is that I won't really get a real reaction from him. I won't see him. It won't give me any reassurance that nothing has changed because I onl see him twice a year.

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 11


Even if you can't see him, you'll be able to hear him! and more importantly he'll be able to hear you!

You can still pick up his reation from the way he sounds, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Again best of luck, not that your gonna need it, oh and congratulations on coming out to us....

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 12


Hey Dengarm, why don't you put an introduction in your personal space. Then I could say hi personally

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 13


Dengarm, have you thought about telling your parents yet?

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 14


Hell no! My parents are. . . how shall I word this? INSANE!!! Literally. Don't get me started on them. I have been asking them to get a divorce since I was six. Seriously. I don't want to deal with them untill AI have some support from friends first.

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 15


I just added an intro.

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 16


Thanks everyone. I'll let you know what happens when I tell him this wekend. Thanks sooo much!

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 17

Researcher 241916

Good luck, Dengram.

The thing is (returning to the original topic), it's possible to "come out" as a variety of things. Not only gay, but as an atheist, an agnostic, a Hugh Grant fan, bisexual, Jewish, Catholic, straight, a polyamorist, a lawyer--heck, it's even possible to come out as female. I had to do that, and it was one of the most bizarre experience of my life. And before you ask, no, I'm not butch. At ALL. I think they thought I was a very good drag queen. Or maybe they thought I was...never mind.

At my school (a very liberal place), on coming-out day, everyone comes out as something. My best friend came out as an Ani DiFranco groupie, another girl came out as gay, I came out as a takeout-chinese addict.

I think often of Cody Dare's articles in CleanSheets, part of which runs like this: "'It feels great to finally say I am gay,' he says. As part of this exploration into sexuality, Tom is telling his story, recounting his sexual history. He's thought about why he is as he is and who he wants to be. I listen, enthralled and enchanted. I am envious. I realize I have never officially 'come out' in my own sexuality. Though I know the term commonly refers to 'coming out of the closet', I wonder if we might all feel more equal, more sexually tolerant, and less judgmental, if we each had chances to 'declare' and discuss our own complex sexual natures.

'I think everyone should come out with their sexuality several times in their lives,' I tell a group of friends at lunch. 'We don't often get to tell our stories, to explore our passionate possibilities.'"

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 18


I doubt anyone is still reading this, but hey, it's worth a try.

I need to come out to my parents about not being Christian. They met through a religious group at university, they go to church every Sunday and organise stuff for it the rest of the week. And I just don't believe in anything any more, if I did ever, and I've known this for at least two years.

I've been at university for a year now, and everyone knows I have no religion, and get confused when I say about going to church. Because I do every week when I'm at home. I've explained to a couple of friends, and a couple of complete strangers during mission week, but I've no idea how to tell my parents.

I've always been accepting of homosexuality - there's a lesbian couple who live three doors down from my parents, so it's always been normal for me. I tend to assume people to be unattached unless told otherwise, and anyone unattached could be looking for anyone, or no-one at all. That's me.

Other sorts of Coming Out

Post 19

Demon Drawer

Having been bi since befor I moved across to Scotland in a straight relationship I've since had the somewhat unusual step of having a second coming out with the friends I made in the 4-5 years I was over here in that relationship to the people I didn't know before.

This one admittedly was far easier to deal with as having gone through all the trauma of the built up once before I was ready for all reange of reactions. Most of the time I just dropped the odd corrective pronoun into conversation and waited for the penny to drop.

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