A Conversation for Advice on Coming Out

How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 1

Z

So you've just been come out and as a gay friendly heterosexual you want to act in an acceptable manner, but you've no idea what to say.

Like most situations it depends on the circumstances. If it's a close friend and family member act as honestly as you can. If you can genuinely tell them that it doesn't matter to you and nothing will change then do so!

Otherwise say how you are feeling, they will appricate it in the long term.The person is likely to be worried about your reaction, if they suspected that you were being less than honest they would continue to worry.

However if the gay person is a new acquaitance the rules are slightly different. Stick to a few trustworthy don'ts and you can't go far wrong.

Don't panic - if you must back away and vomit do so slowly and with discretion.

Don't assume that they fancy you. - Gay people, in common with most of the population will assume that you are straight until you tell them other wise, there is no need to make it clear to them.]

Don't ask what lesbians do in bed, or even worse ask for a threesome.

Don't loudly rant about how disgusting you find anal sex.

Just my thoughts as I have had several years of lesbain experience.


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 2

Cupid Stunt

I totally agree with all of that. Especially the fancying and sex part. It isn't all about that, as some people assume for some reason.

I would add, if you have said something ridiculous, and didn't mean to, acknowledge what you said was ridiculous. The first thing my best freind said was "no you're not".


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 3

Demon Drawer

Actually the people I feared the most, ie the guys I played bowls with were no where near as bad as I htought they would be when I came out to them. Sure I took a bit of ribbing on the green but then I always have taken that on the chin, so this was no different, just now I could glare at them from time to time and they actually would stop...for about...20 minutes. smiley - smiley


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 4

FABT - new venture A815654 Angel spoiler page

i think a lot of the reactions are caused by shock and would be the same for any suprise, it's not necessarily reacting to the gay part.

one of my best friends (this is at 6th form) suddenly told me one day that she'd had sex with her boy friend the night before. she just needed to tell someone, it was a monumental thing in her life.

i'm afraid i screwed up rather and just sat there opening and closing my mouth like a guppy fish because i was a bit shocked. they hadnt known each other long etc.

i did appologise to her later for my less than helpful reaction. i think what i said was something along the lines of: well there's not much i can say to that is there.

i wince even now.


the point is, of you strike someone dumb with your confession, it's probably just because it's a shock, not because they think anything bad

FABT


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 5

Hx2

To heterosexual friends of homosexuals who are about to come out:


Before someone comes out to you and you feel like asking them questions, I have a few questions and comments for you:

So, what's the straight lifestyle like?
How *do* straight people have sex?
Have you been to any straight pubs or clubs?
I never knew you were straight - you don't look it...

smiley - smiley

h

p.s. any more questions to add to these?


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 6

Cupid Stunt

Yes, loads, and I think there may be more over on a university project about sexuality.
Having said that I now need to find them...

Here they are!

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you might grow
out
of?
4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of
other
of the same sex?
5. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex and enjoyed it,
is it
possible that all you need is a good same-sex lover?
6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did
they
react?
7. Why do you heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into your
lifestyle?
8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just
be
what you are and keep it quiet?
9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual knowing the problems
they
would have?
10. The majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider
it
safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
11. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce
rate
is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among
heterosexuals?
12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race
survive if everyone was heterosexual like you?
14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you
fear
he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her
leaning?
15. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to
compulsive,
exclusive heterosexuality? Shouldn't you at least try to develop your
natural, healthy homosexual potential?
16. There seems to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have
been
developed to help you change if you really want to. Have you considered
aversion therapy?


Funny or what?


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 7

Martin Harper

> "Have you been to any straight pubs or clubs?"

Well, as far as I know they don't exist, but if they did, why would that question be offensive, exactly?

To be sure, admitting that I once went to "Cindy's" in Cambridge isn't something I'd brag about, but I wasn't aware that clubbing or pubbing was a taboo subject... smiley - erm


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 8

Hx2

ah. it was the whole 'put yourself in my shoes thing'...

my sincerest appo-lowgies for the confusion.

h


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 9

Cupid Stunt

You put your left foot in...

It's very easy to put your foot in it!


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 10

Hx2

:-p

Thank you, St.. erm, Cupid.

Some of us are trying to post as quickly as possible without the boss seeing smiley - smiley


h


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 11

Hx2

(yes, I know I'm replying to my own post - forgive me)

One thing to add to the Entry:

How to react when someone comes out to you - Say thank you!

It might (possibly) have taken this person a lot of time to build up the courage to say this to you. Thank them for being honest with you.


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 12

Dark Side of the Goon

This doesn't strictly count, but...

...I was never taught how to behave around Gay people. When, one cold and miserable Yorkshire evening, my student housemate padded into the kitchen and in a very serious voice told me that there was something I needed to know about him, homosexuality was the last thing I considered.

So my main reaction was relief; sadly, while my brain was reeling in dozens of other horrific possibilities my mouth went into Heterosexual Autopilot and I remember saying at least one stupid thing. Possibly two. However, it did knock the habit firmly on the head for the future.

The only question I have these days is "How come the gay community seems to have more fun? What are the straights doing wrong?"


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 13

Metal Chicken

When a friend emailed me to say he'd found somebody special and by the way it was another he not a she - I wasn't quite sure how he expected me to respond. In the event I think I just said something along the lines of I'm glad things are working out for you and when do I get to meet him. I'd known this guy for nearly twenty years and he'd never introduced me to any previous boyfriends or girlfriends so I knew this was something important and was quite genuinely delighted for him. Then I started to feel a bit strange about him not having said anything previously. I think he'd had separate sets of gay and straight friends and had finally chosen to be out to all circles of friends. I guess you only tell people when you're ready to handle whatever reaction you might get. As other people have said, it's probably often a much bigger deal to the person coming out than the person they tell.


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 14

Cupid Stunt

I don't know gradient, but in my case it's because I don't have any of the usual hang up some people do. Because I've been ridiculed all my life, I do what I feel like without fear of being seen doing it and embarassed. My advice? Don't worry, be silly!


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 15

The Pink Ferret (slightly fruity)

Ok....No one's ever come out to me, except this scary goth called 'dave'. I was hanging out with some friends-of-a-friend and this guy was the center of attention. He was wearing black leather from head to toe, but as I was drunk and we were all sitting in a boat in a playground at midnight I didn't think it was *that* odd. Then someone mentiond his black lipstick. He looked at me, I'm a fairly innocent-looking boy, and said "If you wake up with a black ring on your c**k you'll know I gave you h**d last night." Had I been sober enough I would've run for it. He obvously liked the look of me as easy prey! But in the end before he could nab me I ran screaming off into the night. It was a weird night.

Of course I'm not suggesting *all* homosexual (or in his case bisexual, as I found out later) people would attempt to rape cute innocent teenages, just this guy in particular. I'm actually bisexual myself so I know that the sterotypes are bogus. It was just a weird experience.


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 16

CheezyPoofs

"Gay people, in common with most of the population will assume that you are straight until you tell them other wise"

This is not quite true. Most gay people - not all, but most - will know other gay people. I can tell lesbians and gay men 90% of the time, and most of them can tell that I'm a lesbian, even when I have makeup on, have my hair down and am wearing a dress.

I think what happens, however, is that in most cases, gay people will not assume that the other person is "out," and will act as if the other person might as well be straight until that person actually tells them he or she is gay.


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 17

Menthol Penguin - Currently revising/editing my book

So it's just me that can't tell if people are gay/straight?<smiley - smiley


How to react when someone comes out to you.

Post 18

BeowulfShaffer

I can't tell either, but seeing as I am just barely bi I might not count.


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