h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Walks into the armory and gazes around, an insane light shining in his eyes, which proceed to fill with tears of joy. He strolls between the weapons lockers, bubbling with joy sputtering things like: "I never thought i'd see an endoplasmic reconbination vaporiser!" or "HSB-Us!! I haqvent seen so many in one place before!" or "Human waste splash cannon shells!!!! WOW!!!" He walks on, sputtering with joy. Then he comes to a door. "Unmentionably Sadistic Weapons - AUTHORIZED PERSONELL ONLY" He keys in his passcode, and opens the vault door slightly. He peers inside and then steps through quickly, shutting the door behind him. He appears several moments later, tears of joy streaming down his face. It takes several minutes, but he finally does regain his power of speech. "Its just so beautiful! I've nwever seen so many weapons in one place before!!" He walks along the hall till he finds an empty room. "Armorers Quarters" reads across the top. He drops his bags inside and falls into his bead, positively twitching with delight.

*After several minutes, the extremely paranoid man walks out to check out the security provisions and finds them disgustingly inadequite. Impossible to break in is not good enough for Demo. No, because anyone who tries will learn no lesson and return to try again. No, he wants it quite possible to break in, but wants the security so tight that anyone who does break in will be killed in such a way that not enough peices would be left of them to fill a thimble.

*He sets off into the endless maze of waepons lockers in search of the perfect parts for the worlds most evil security system.*

*Dumps his spare parts in the Armorer's quarters, and heads back out for another bout of scavengerizing.*

((I know I didn't say it right.))

*tuc could swear he heard someone one come in. Suddenley there is a small insistant beeping coming from his pocket, he ulls out a small square like object that looks like a chewit, he pops it in his ear*

Hello

*small sounds can be heard*

Well try jump starting them

*another custler of sounds*

I know but the crystals may just be run down just jump start them off the warp drive

*sounds a little louder*

I know its not very scentific but trust me it works

*sounds*

JUST DO IT

*he takes the chewit out of his ear and puts it back in his pocket and contines looking for wepons*

*appears from between the weapon's lockers, Zaphodistan Slpattering Ghastlyness Mark 1 hyperpolarized liquification pistols in hand, and bellows at Tuc*
OH NO YA DON'T LADDIE!!!!!!

DEMOSTHENES!!! *Bellows Jessica*

I KNEW it was your fault that the ship was in peices!!!

*she slithers up to him, lifts all one hundred kilograms of him into the air, and slams him against the wall*

Now you listen to me you If I handn't promised your mother ON HER DEATHBEAD that I wouldn't kill you, I'D KILL YOU!!! YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!! NOW YOU ARE GOING TO REASSEMBLE THIS SHIP PEICE BY PEICE UNTILL IT'S WORKING AGAIN YOU HERE!!!

But- But- *he sputters, gesturing his guns at tuc*

*enters*
Hey, what's going on?

DONT YOU 'BUT' ME!!!!!!!!! *screams jessica so loud so that a stack of lazer focus lenses shatter. SHe grabs Demo's bag of 'spare' parts, and when he doesn't come willingly, she drags him off by the ear, screaming all the while.*

This B*****D (Demosthenes) Has dissasembled the 'blood and is going to fix it. Excuse us Floe.

This B*****D (Demosthenes) Has dissasembled the 'blood and is going to fix it. Excuse us Floe.

Grumble grumble grumble grumble. . .
OW!!!!
*he curls up into a fetal position the moment after jess knees him in the nether regions.*

GET UP WEAKLING!!!
*starts kicking him*

Okay
*exit*

*stumbles to his feet and hobbles off to fix the ship*

What's all this then???

a lucky escape for me i think

Appears again, muttering something about meddling wenches. He has reassembled everything but the Woman Pirates Sanctuary. He's afraid to go in there. He walks into his quarters and falls asleep.

:: what appears to be the of the captain (in fact it is his 7-dimensional hyper-hologram monitoring device) floats by and notices that everything is in order in this armoury ::