h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, I suppose that having a swimming feeling is better than having a sinking feeling.

That's quite true.

Not if you're a diver

~~lookout to bridge~~
If you glance out your portside window, you may notice that we have arrived at Pitcairn Island.

shagbark walks in and leaves a notebook on the chart table
http://library.puc.edu/pitcairn/pitcairn/history.shtml

Ah, looks like we are hovering over the island now. Makes sense as it's almost impossible even for us to sail ashore

*captain presses a few buttons and The Blood lands safely in a glade*

Well, lets' go see if there is anything interesting left on this island. One of those figures of humans carved out of rock would be nice

I hope we didn't leave the navigator on Pitcairn Island.
I was looking forward to more of his puns.

I've lost track of who the current navigator is. Did Kes come back? Did he stay?

He's a lazy old navigator - I'll go give him a kick in a bit.

Now now, play nice

I'm not saying we should respect people just for getting older, it takes little talent, but one should only take on somebody of one's own size, capability and whatnots

(Having been duly kicked in the compass)
What? I wasn't asleep. I know exactly what's going on.
Just arrived at Pitcairn Island. Lower the jolly boat!
*Pushes appropriate button*.
*Listens to nasty crunching sound.*
*Looks through the porthole.*
Oh! We seem to be aground. Shame about the jolly boat. Has anyone got some glue?

Erm, we are actually trying to leave Pitcairn

Anyway, where were we going

Sometimes I forget how forgetful I can be

I had forgotten that you were forgetful, Pierce.

If we've been to Galapagos and Pitcairn, perhaps we could look for Bali Hai or Norfolk Island.

Bali Hai sounds exotic, let's spend Xmas there

Yes, have kes set a course for Bali Hai.
(Unless you would rather spend Christmas on Christmas Island).

Either island would be fine with me. Let's steer clear of Desolation
Island, though.

Righty ho.
*Opens chart of Pacific Ocean*
My - what a lot of water. Mind you, there are quite a few islands. Which one did you want? Bali? Bali Hai? I can see Christmas Island ... Desolation Island ... the foody one - Sandwich Island, the one with lots of clothes shops - Thousand Island Dressing, also Squashed Currant Island. Oh, no - hang on - that really is a squashed currant on the chart, and lots more, only the names have gone a bit faint. Here's a nice looking one! Quite easy to get to - a straight line from here.

I'll set course! Now ... it looks like a straight line, but I have to allow for the curvature of the chart table, and the magnetic declination. Then there's the fangle angle on the crangle dangler, plus an estimate for time and tide, minus a bit for the currant and quite a lot for the current, all multipled by PI times the square root of Planck's constant (which takes into account the thickness of the planck). Finally, we need to consider the International Date Line, which comes in very handy when chatting up foreign ladies, but means that we need an extra window for the Advent calendar ... and there we have it!

*Compares line on chart to compass*

What a coincidence! We are almost pointing the right way. Just a slight adjustment needed. Helmsman! Could you just twiddle the wheel a teensy bit. No, not like that - stand round the other side so you can see where we're going. I'll stand round the other side of the chart, so it all matches ... and that will make it ... right hand up ... No! Other right hand. My right hand - your left ... no, I need to stand with the chart pointing the same way, so it's both our lefts - your left, not my left. Got it!


Left hand down a bit!

It does my heart good to watch a skilled navigator doing - er - what he knows how to do

I think this calls for a round of fine old island rum

Cheers all

That's fine, and I have no doubt we'll end up going somewhere interesting, but am I the only one who thought he was making it up as he went along?

Me? Making it up? My entry in the guide is famous! Just look in between "Natural recipes for cooking Dodo" and "Naxinroth - 4th emperor of Rutland". All good, factual stuff.