h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Chapter 1

Two-thirds of the way through the journey of my life, I found myself newly retired. After a few weeks I began yearning for something noble and meaningful to do with what little time was left to me. My friends gave well-meaning advice, as friends are apt to do.

"Volunteer some hours in a hospice," one suggested.

"Read 'Moby Dick,'" said another.

"There will be time enough to read 'Moby Dick' when I myself am living in a hospice," I retorted, which my friends did not appreciate hearing, strangely enough.

The first piece of really useful advice came from my Uncle Floyd, who took time off from drinking Margaritas on the beach at Waikiki to phone me with congratulations at having thrown off the bonds of wage-slavery. "Now's your chance to see the world, Owen, my boy," he rasped. (I guess I should have felt complimented at being called a "boy," but to a nonagenarian like my uncle, ninety percent of the world's men must have seemed like boys.)

"Thanks, Uncle Floyd," I said. "Are there any parts of the world you recommend?"

"Yes, but the best thing about going to them is that few people have discovered them yet," he said with a chuckle.

This was an obvious allusion to his vaunted talents as an explorer. He had climbed impossibly tall mountains, survived treks through the jungles of Borneo, and wrestled all sorts of large, sharp-toothed exotic beasts with his bare hands. I could claim no such talents.

"If I remember correctly, you made most of your discoveries as a young man," I said.
"I'm well past the bloom of youth. Couldn't you suggest a good tour guide who knows great spots off the beaten track?"

"Point taken," Uncle Floyd said with a sigh. "A pity, though. There are sights that you really ought to see while you're young enough to appreciate them. You blew it, sad to say."

"But you'll give me some recommendations?" I said hopefully.

"Let me think about it." He hung up.

Three days later he was dead. I was shocked and saddened by the knowledge that I would never know what his recommendations would have been, until the phone rang one afternoon. It was Uncle Floyd's lawyer, calling with the news that I had inherited five million dollars.

Suddenly it began to seem possible that I might see the world in style. Then the lawyer punctured my balloon. "The money is conditional," he cautioned.

"Conditional?" I exclaimed. "What are the conditions?"

"Uncle Floyd wanted to make sure you would do some real exploring," the lawyer explained. "You can use the money to rent a boat and hire an experienced crew, but the burden is on you to go where no one has gone before."

"Is that even possible?" I asked, thinking that the whole planet had been explored at one time or another.

"Yes," he said. "The last unexplored spot on the face of the Earth is a place called Uninhabited Volcanic Island Number 115, located in the Pacific near the equator. Come by my office and I'll give you the coordinates. Your uncle gave me the name of a consultant who handles remote expeditions. The money will be more than adequate. Just get in there and do the work. Your uncle is sure you can do it....."

I was thrilled to be facing the first real adventure of my life, but as soon as Uncle Floyd's lawyer hung up, I was seized with anxiety. What if I fell into a hidden ravine? Or got bitten by a poisonous jungle snake? What if the volcanic blew up just as I arrived? What if I failed to find the island and had to pay back the cost of the voyage? My sleep that night was troubled by nightmare scenarios. Well, you can wake up from a nightmare and shrug it off, but what if real life turns nightmarish?

Go for it! They can't cut hair off a bald guy, as the old saying goes

So what if the volcano blows you to Kingdom Come? No living person has gone there and come back to tell about it, so you would be left without any debts at least

I shall be following this journal with great interest

ing along, as well.

It's a lot of fun to do embarrassing things to good characters . Stay tuned for salty comments from ex-wives, outrageously unorthodox ship captains, and an "uninhabited" island that is very different from expectations.

[Amy P]

Brilliant story, I can't wait for the next chapter and too see how our adventurer fares on his travels.

Great story idea!