h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*lands*

[Doctor Who]

*opens door*

*looks around*

*steps out*

Well I never!

*flings long scarf over shoulder, hitting Sarah Jane Smith in the face*

[Sarah Jane Smith]

Watch it, Doctor! Pfft! Bits of wool in my gorgeous hair now!

[Doctor Who]

We must find out where we are.
It looks like medieval England to me.
Egad!
Look out of the turret!
A jousting tournament!
I was right!

*pats pockets*
Good, I have my sonic screwdriver, let's go.
We must find King Arthur and warn him about Mordred!

[Sarah Jane Smith]

But Doctor! Wouldn't that change the course of ~history~??

*looks pained*

[Doctor Who]

*delves into pocket*

*brings out timepiece*
Is that the time?
Good Heavens!
We must hurry!
There will be a total eclipse of the sun soon!

[Sarah Jane Smith]

*rolls eyes*

[K9] (aims webcam at Sarah Jane's ankles)

[Tardis] *Makes that sproinging ruler noise. Just because it can. And because I've always wanted to be the Tardis. Steam cleans the swimming pool, writes a rather fine concerto and continues to hang around, waiting for the curly haired one to get back and fix it*

[Comedy bit part serf #7, en route from the Lottery with his ill gotten gains] Now that's a bit odd. I wonder what's inside. *Pushes door, enters* Erk!

[Davros]

Daleks! Storm the gate!

[Dalek #4 (Geoff)] But, boss, the grounds all lumpy. Its murder trying to move over this sort of stuff. Bobby Dalek is already stuck in the mud, and its going to take the Heavy Weapons Dalek just to shift him. Can't we go invade somewhere with better roads?

[Davros]

Don't argue with me! I said Exterminate, exterminate! exterminate!exterminate! exterminate! exterminate!

*Starts frothing at the mouth and going purple*

[Dalek #4 (Geoff)] All right, all right, keep your plastic mohican thingy on. Now you, Ogron, stick down some planks leading over to that gate would you. Oh, and while your about it, chuck that Tardis in the ship would you, there's a lad. ...
Now then, everyone ready? *A general grumble of metallicy assent rolls out* Good, Daleks forward, and remember, Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate, ad nauseum. *The Daleks begin to roll over the boards to the castle gate, with only two losing their way, falling off and getting stuck in the mud*

[Builder]

*fills room with left-over concrete so the Daleks get stuck in it*



[Sarah Jane Smith]

*screams*

*faints*

[Doctor Who]

*steps over Sarah Jane Smith*

*smashes all the stuck-to-the-ground-Dalek's heads in with a handy mace he just found strapped to the wall*

There! Now then, where's that devil Davros? Oh no! He's escaping! Come on, Sarah Jane Smith!

*drags Sarah Jane Smith up by her collar*

*bundles her into the Tardis*

[Tardis]

*takes off*

[Tardis]
Wheeze, groan, wheeze, groan. You know, I'm getting too old for all this, plus it looks like I'm caught in this concrete too. *metallic sigh* What's a battered old Police box to do? Me with a pain in my chameleon circuit. It's the same thing every time.

*switches on external viewer. Spots Davros whizzing past down a side corridor.*
Oh there's that funny wrinkly old guy in half a dustbin
*Switches on external loudhailer*
Ho Davros. Hold up a mo.
*squeal of rubber as Davros skids to a halt*

[Davros]
What? Hello? Who said that?

[Tardis]
Me the big blue thing over here in the corner.

[Davros]
Ah the Dok-tors time machine. Excellent. Now to make my getaway.
*maniacal metallic laughter, ending in a coughing fit*
Jees I gotta give up this malarky.

[Tardis] Huh. You think you have problems? Anyway, I'm not the Doctors Tardis, I am my own machine. The thieving git stole me. I am far more intelligent than he can ever hope to be. So tell me Davros, do you have a frst name?

[Davros]
Look machine. I am supreme, you will do as I say. I created the ultimate killing machine. No emotions, ruthless, with one goal in life. To exterminate all life and become the supreme beings of the universe! Ok so that's two goals in life. sorry.

[Tardis]
Yeah? so. You must have a first name though.

[Davros]
Er, well, yes. But you will obey me!

[Tardis]
Oh give over. You are no better than Napoleon. Soon sorted him out too. So go on, tell me your first name. Please.

[Davros]
No

[Tardis]
Please

[Davros]
No. You said I wasn't any good. You hurt my feelings.

[Tardis]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Ok, so Napoleon was a better leader. But admittedly he didn't take over the whole Earth. Whereas you...

[Davros]
True, true. Ok it's Bobby. Happy now?

[Tardis]
Bobby? Bobby Davros? Ahahahahahahahahaha.
Do you do impersonations? hahahahahahahahaha.

[Davros]
Hey stop laughing! It's not that funny. Anyway, when I was younger, before megalomania set in, I wanted to be a stand up comic, but I didn't have the legs for it. I do a good Dalek. Listen.
Exterminate. Exterminate. Or how about Darth Vader? Shhh Oooooh Shhhhh. Luke I am your father. Shhh Ooooh. Shhh.

[Tardis]
Not bad, not bad at all. Hold on, what was that?

[Davros]
What? where? *spins around looking up and down the corridor*

[Tardis]
I think the Doctor is coming out to investigate why we haven't moved. You better leg, I mean wheel it out of here, pronto, if you want to survive to fight another day.

[Davros]
Really? Better go then, nice chatting with you. See you later.
Damn, can't quite seem to get this thing in gear. Bloody first. It's always the hardest to find. *crunch of gears* That's it.
*pops some shades on, cranks up Iron Maiden on his stereo and pops a wheelie as he heads off down the corridor again*
Later, blue dude!

[Tardis]
Back at ya, pepper pot boy!

*doors open & the Doctor and Sarah reappear*
[Doctor]
It was Davros I saw on the screen, come on Sarah, after him, before he escapes completely.

[Sarah]
*sigh* Whatever, Doctor.

*they head off after Davros*
*silence descends on the corridor again*
[Tardis]
Oh no. Here we go again....

[AGB]*wonders how to follow that*

[Merlin]

*takes notes*
"Napoleon"...hmmmmmm, he seems worthy of further research.
I must look him up in my futuristic Who's Who.

Now then, Mr.Tardis. What are your secrets I wonder?

[Tardis]

[Merlin]

Oh, come now, don't be coy! I heard you talking to that...pepper-pot-thing. Tell me your secrets and I will give you anything you wish for...

[Tardis]

Oh, alright then, Merlin old chum. There is this *one* thing I've always wanted.

[Merlin]

Ask, and it shall be yours, oh mighty blue machine with flashing light on top!

[Tardis]

*whispers*

[Merlin]

Is that it? Are you sure??

[Tardis]

*nods*

[Merlin]

Thinks: I wonder what it wants with a London telephone kiosk, and I wonder how I can get my hands on one?

[Dizzy Dalek]

*mounts dustbin*

*Time passes. Gandalf appr... No, I don't think so, that would be silly. The heavy weapons Dalek attempts to shoot at the concrete and blows itself up. The Tardis invents instantaneous transport, but forgets to write it down. Dalek #4 attaches crochet arm and makes a jumper. Comedy bit part serf #7 emerges clasping a copy of "The Communist Manifesto"*
[Comedy Bit Part Serf #7] Right, fings is gon a change rand 'ere. *Exits stage left*

[Tardis]
Oh no, not the 'Serfs are Revolting' scene again. I really need to get in touch with my agent, if I could get a decent sub-ether-net connection. *sigh*
*Starts thinking about the sexy red telephone box soon to be his and almost suffers premature dematerialisation.*

[Ace Rimmer] Kryton?

[Kryton] Yes Mister Rimmer, sir?

[Ace Rimmer] Where are we?

[Kryton] No idea sir! It seems our temporal converter has borged down.

[Ace Rimmer] No problemo Kryties old chap I see the familiar red of a BTphone booth just over there. I'll pop over and give Listie a ring and he can swoop down and rescue us.

[Kryton] Very good sir. Say hello to Mister Lister for me.
*watches as Ace disappears into a red telephone booth, which is then mounted by a blue police box amid swooshy-knives twangy-noises and a very busy signal*

[]

*emerges from the purple cloud of the phonebox/policebox vortex*

How-oooo! (Greetings)

How-ooo! (Earthlings.)

How-ow-oo. (And Daleks)

[Daleks]

Ex-ter-min-ate! Exterminate!

[Blackhole]

*sweeps over dustbin-humping Dizzy Dalek*

*consumes the purple cloud*

*swirls Ace Rimmer back to his own dimension*

*spots dog*

Toto! There you are you naughty boy. I told you we weren't in Arkansas anymore.

[]

*leaps into Blackhole*

[Dragon's fiancée]
I hope you can come to the Church for the Dragon-Wedding now!

[Dorothy]

Auntie Em!
Auntie Em!
Toto has got sucked into that black hole!
Oh no!
He'll end up in Arkansas!
But I want to go home to Kansas!!!!


[Good ]

Just click your heels together dear...
*disappears into Black Hole*

[Tardis]
Well, I ain't going in any more black holes. I hate them, you get all squashed and it takes an eternity to get straightened back out again.
Anyway, I have greater density than a black hole, because I have a black hole for a power source. Neat huh?

*Comedy Bit Part Serf #7 is dragged towards the castle past the Tardis by two knights*

[Comedy Bit Part Serf #7] Come see the violence inherent in the system!!! I'm being oppressed! Wait up 'ere. There's the thing I was tellin' you 'bout.

*Comedy Bit Part Serf #7 points at Tardis. Tardis manages to look a bit uncomfortable. in the best tradition, the knights look at the Tardis, then exchange glances and shrug. they then start pulling Comedy Bit Part Serf #7 towards the castle again. by his feet. over the Daleks*

[Comedy Bit Part Serf #7] 'ere now! That 'urts!