h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You know you're getting old
When you think you're going mad
When you look in your mirror
and .. see you're Mom or Dad
When your face shows off
You're every mishap
Portraying more lines
Than you're average road map
When the stairs look too steep
and every step is a pain
Your knees seem to buckle
Under the slightest strain
Your patience has gone
and you cant give fools the time
Just being all alone
Starts to feel even sublime
You can now choose
What you'll watch on tv
and you dont give a shit
'bout the smell from your privy
Maybe a pissy smell's
Better than any posh perfume
Could be it enhances
Even your smallest room
So dont be scared of getting on
Because it's great to survive
As pain is the only thing
That lets us know we're still alive.

Arrrgggh!...the bloomin' supermarket's at it again
Moving the aisles around,what a pain?
Just when you think you know where all their stuff is
Everything is shuffled around leaving you all a tiz
It's their strategy to fleece every punter
From the unsteady biddy to the specialist bargain hunter
For even with their two for one's they are having a laf
After thinking you got a bargain,you now feel wrath
After pushing you trolley endlessly up their never ending ailse
You feel like you've walked from Dover to Carlise
and...there's barely nothing in your big trolly any way
Yet you'll still wait ages at the check-out to pay
Why are all those sweets packeted at the check-out till
Too ruin you're children's teeth and just make you ill
If you're lucky you'll get off that huge carpark incident free
Or get tee boned by someone claiming they couldn't see me
So that's why we all stopped going to the olde corner shop
With our shopping trollies to haul to the bus stop
No more chatting coniving, or a how are you dear
Now they're all boarded up and gone now I fear?

Of your life
You have no control
It's a bit like falling
Into a very deep hole

You strike many objects
Along your way
That leave you with scars
For which you pay

Once in a while
You'll find a ledge
Occasionally respite
Or a very sharp edge

The cuts you receive
Will heal for a while
Applying Nature's make up
With a bastard file

When you hit the bottom
You'll never know
The lights go out
No more show

Your friends not many
Turn up for a day
Spread a few rumours
Take your ashes away

Occasionally
They mark the ground
With a few chosen words
Maybe a mound

Your epitaph reads
Departed or dear
Nothing excited (ing?)
Was I really that drear ?

Your teeth are like tombstones
Some distance apart
Your breath is like garlic
All you do is fart
Your face shows the pain
That your body has been through
A grimace not a smile
My friend that is you
Your patience has short-comings
You're even tempestuous at times
Yet your reliability
Is not one of your crimes
You've been there for me
I hope to be there for you
With not just a shoulder
but...in our good times too.

I'm ok with other people
By myself I'm on the brink
Too many memories
Too much time to think
These days are dragging by
Being busy with nothing to do
Clouds are still covering my sky
Lost in thoughts of you

Summer is finally coming
Creeping nearer every day
Each day's a little warmer
Thoughts get in my way
The nights I cannot sleep
My dreams now cant come true
When alone I still weep
I had the dream it was you....

Love has lost a soldier
Time can never replace
There will never be another
Who could take your place
Gentle and quite charming
With a smile that let us know
It was pure hapiness
That just made you glow
If there's an afterlife
Like there are precious things
Then one day Son with certainty
You will get your wings