h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It looks like your posting has gone
to the Ether, the Stars, and beyon'
you can always repeat it
that's if they don't beat it
your Golf found a Black Hole in one.

I'm sorry to say that I can't
Remember by very last Rant
Its gone and forgotten
Like something Rotten
E.g A Dress by Mary Quant

There once was a stoner names Chris
Who went through the woods dancing bliss
He came back from his dance
With a stain on his pants
And found himself soaking with...

...orange juice.

A Jolly old Soak from Galway
Very Sadly passed away
His will said:
When I am dead
Drink up and have a Buffet

The phone rang "bleepety bleep"
And wrenched me out of my sleep
I tripped on the cable
crashed into the table
Cable, table, phone, me - one big heap!

(That's not at all a true story, I was just challenging myself to make up a limerick in a certain time)

Hi Trill,

What follows is not a critique of your posting, it's just that "writing limericks at speed" gave me the idea for the first line. But there are some who need to upgrade their style.


When writing a limerick at speed
There remain certain rules that you need -
Not just number of lines
Or the critical rhymes
But the rhythms of lines you must heed.

OK I'm pedantic and boring
But I'm not just competing or scoring!
Our limerick thread
Now come back from the dead
Must have standards, or fall asleep snoring.

In verse there are several schools
some stick like a leech to the rules
but rules it is said
are to guide a wise head
but must be obeyed by the fools

no offence intended but some of the funniest Limericks I have ever seen are total c**p if you apply ALL the rules

LIke those of Edward Lear, because the last word of the fifth line is the same as the last word of the first line:

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren,
Have all build their nests in my beard!"

There was an Old Man on the Border,
Who lived in the utmost disorder;
He danced with the Cat,
And made Tea in his Hat,
Which vexed all the folks on the Border.

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

You are absolutely right, mcOggie, and I do basically agree with you, but sometimes this thread has received limericks where the rhymes are crap, the rhythm ditto, and they're not even funny.

But that's not really the point. I just thought it would be fun to try to write a couple of limericks at high speed ( you'll have to take my word for that ) on the subject of limerick writing.

Rules are there to be broken, but first they must at least be known.

Oh well...topic for today....

My brain feels as dry as a crust
Of dry toast that's all covered in dust,
So attempting to write
A new limerick's not quite
The best fun, but I must or I'll bust.

And here's a classic old rule-breaker by some anonymous author, which I learnt as a child. It is a send-up of Lear limerick,"There was an old man in a tree/Who was horribly bored by a bee..."

There was an old man in a tree
Who was horribly stung by a wasp.
When they asked,"Does it hurt?"
He replied "No it doesn't -
It wasn't a bee, but a hornet!"

Breaking all the rules can be fun
'specially when done on the run
and sometimes we lust
for the cut and the thrust
of an exceedingly bad Pun

I just can't get that last line to work... any suggestions?

"Inuendo and punning aside,"
Said moustaceoed man name of Snide,
"I tie ladies to tracks
And never look back
To see if that lady survives."

"However, as is often the case
When she's tied to the tracks, I make haste
For over the mountain,
All riding and shouting,
Is the Mountie to put me in my place."

of a wretchedly retchworthy pun?

Yes puns are destructive at best
And when they fly home to their nest
The most they achieve
Is a grimace, the heave
Of a sigh, or the fall of a crest

I didn't really mean to start a debate, what I really wanted to say was that I thought T.C.'s verse was funny even though it broke all the rules, it was funny for one good reason - I have always believed that a Limerick should be like a narration to a play or a Cartoon, the first line should establish in your mind a picture of events about to take place, followed by a build up, a twist, a turn, and ending with a punch line, either predictable, surprising or shocking (sometimes completely stupid), but memorable.

Incidentally, I didn't say that rules were made to be broken, I quoted an OLD saying (not mine) that rules were created for the guidance of wise men and the total obedience of fools, I will however claim originality for my version of it.

In answer to Argon0, I find that when there is one word which MUST be the last word and it is very short, the resolution is in the preceeding words, 3 or 4 syllables should do the trick, try this:-

breaking all the rules can be fun
'specially when done on the run
and sometimes we lust
for the cut and the thrust
of a really terrible pun

so that the last short word almost becomes part of the previous ones.

Mr Christopher sums it up perfectly with his last offerings, they do not confirm perfectly to Limerick rules, but the first line sets the stage and it all happens onwards - brilliant.

I used to contribute to this thread on a regular basis but dropped out because of what I have just said, the verse became very specialised, very clever grammatically, but completely lost the point, the fun and the challenge.

All together now - SHADDUP!!! mcOggie. .........O.K.

Thank you Oggie - you're so compliment'ry
And Chaiwallah's advice - rudiment'ry
When out loud I read it
The rhythm DID fit
Perhaps I just took it too gently.

In the sleepy old down of Port Ardend,
A criminal has this moment been pardoned
For unspeakable crimes
Of coloring beyond lines!
Those toddlers are criminals; hardened.

I did consider various versions of "of an exceedingly bad Pun", e.g. "a terribly awful pun" (including ione very similar to Oggies "of an exceedingly bad Pun") but none really worked - rythmically... even thought they had the same number of syllables and everything - it just wouldn't "sound" right... Also I didn't think that "the cut and thrust" worked so I put in a second the... I started writing that one really quickly, but spent ages on the last 2 lines!!

Of Criminals I know "not a lot"
'cept some of them should be shot
Or covered in Honey
All sticky and runny
And left with some celery to rot

If you cover on in parsley and honey
And seal him in a room with a bunny,
The screaming and fighting
And hopping and biting
Will be, to us, certainly funny.

A Honey eating Bunny would be funny
'specially if it were a Mummy
Covered in Bandages
nibbling sandwiches
and sucking on a Dummy

Why would you bandage the rabbit?
Did someone reach hard for to grab it
And sent it aloft
And then Laura Croft
Came in and broke your bun tossing habbit?