h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Re the recent Turner Prize.

The Turner Prize mostly is not
A topic I think of a lot.
We've seen art made of beds,
And of pickled cow's heads...
As a potter I'm pleased it's a pot.

Re the potter of Gwee.

I'm delighted the woman of Gwee
Has caused a response, so that she
Will be known for her pots
Round the world now by lots
Of HooToo-ers ( so, thanks, BBC.)

Re The Winner of the BBC Big Read, which was chosen by popular phone-in last night.........and "LoTR" won!!!

Though I don't often enter such things
I voted for "Lord of the Rings,"
For once I rejoice
With the popular choice...
What a pleasure such silliness brings.

The Lord of the Ring Books I must say,
I own, but don't read everyday,
but in the voting last night,
my tongue I had to bite,
'cause I voted for our D.N.A.

On the state of the US

The people here really are bores
And buy pretty books in the stores
To display on the shelves,
Not read them themselves,
But to impress people on other shores.

Oh dear! Oh dear! Mr. C.,
that sounded rather harsh to me,
some books they have bought,
and by my mind, that ought,
to be their business,
if they've paid the fee..

It's hard to know why people do
The things that they do do, it's true.
It's easy to mention
Some stranger's intention
But mine I'm not sure of; are you?

A philosophical twist we have taken
to be nurtured and stirred but not shaken
And as for intentions
mere mental inventions
My own have long since been forsaken

A fine book should shake and should stir,
Every one who would read it, kind Sir,
If it doesn't shake up you,
And stir up and awake you,
You need a good spank on the rear.

By our brutal headmaster, a ghoul,
A book could be used as a tool
For torment severe
To one's head, hands or rear...
Which was my sad experience at school.

A book that was used as a sword?
So a blade is not used, but a word?
So the words of the saying,
Were the truth, and not braying,
That the pen is much better, I've heard.

Some twisted pronouncing, that post,
I'm surprised they allowed it (the host),
For the Beeb likes the words,
To be sweet songs, like the birds,
And the poems to have meter and not run on and not rhyme.

Ooops! I meant:


Some twisted pronouncing, that post,
I'm surprised they allowed it (the host),
For the Beeb likes the words,
To be sweet songs, like the birds,
And the poems all rhyme, (so they boast)

Such rules are too hard to apply
They can't check them all out by eye
For scansion and rhyme
There just isn't time
And all sorts of rubbish get by

I'd have to say it would be Sin,
To let lots of rubbish get in,
It's quite hypothetical,
And not so poetical,
For the Beeb to screen out what is in.

I find the though quite demeaning,
The idead of the Beeb to go screening!
Why, if they did that
I'd get a big bat
And go sensor them with a beaning!

Time for the old classic:.......

There was an old man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan,
When told it was so
He remarked, "Yes I know,
But you see, it's just that I always like to try and get as many words into the last line as I possibly CAN!!!"

I wonder how can they do this to me,
With my eyes dull and fingers all blistery,
To force me to type
A poem this night
To be printed to-morrow, it's a mystery.

A poem that takes that much work,
Must make you a bit of a Burke,
If it is such a chore,
You should right a bit more,
Then you'll feel a bit less of a jerk.

It's not that the writing's a pain,
It's the subject that makes me complain.
Poetry shoube be free
What one feels and one sees
And not waht one is forced to un-brain.

If I were to write what I felt
There's a danger the screen might melt
And the dear BBC
would ostracise me
And my husband would brandish his belt

So I'll stick to what they expect
And not vent my emotions unchecked
Keep the level genteel
and hide what I feel
And keep my reputation unwrecked