h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was eating a packet of crisps
When I noticed my speach took on lisps
On closer inspection
A slight indescretion
Had sliced open my lips and blood drips.

The thinly sliced deep fried potato
can cause grievous harm, I`ve heard say, so
Assuming full frontal
slide `em in horizontal
Then suck `em `til soft and then swallow.

I do not wish to offend, though
That did sound like a sex inuendo.
Let's stop this snacking
And start attacking
The monsters from the TV Nintendo.

Nintendo is merely a tool,
A balm for all kinds of a fool,
Your thumb may be sore,
Your conversation quite poor,
But youngsters might find you quite cool.

It is true that children I dispise
Have the habit of blocking my eyes
From the glowing TV
So I cannot see
The cause of my players' demise.

Or they come in while you try to relax
And start rustling said bags of snacks
The film you can't follow
as they crunch, chew and swallow
What a b****r they're too big for smacks

"Who says they are too big for smacks?"
He said and advanced his attacks
And for that decision
He was sent off to prison
And now can't vote but still must pay tax.

Elderly gentlemen often expound
In the Times or to any people around
That for wallops and spanks
Kids should give thanks!
As they will grow up morally sound

sprout

Lest kids should grow wild and unruly
Correction they should receive duly.
I had it; and what
If it tied in a knot
My feelings? "My turn!" says yours truly

I too had my share of the cane
And was never once heard to complain
It`s now my turn folks
To administer strokes
Again and again and again.

We don't want our little ones wild
We want them submissive and mild
Otherwise why should God
Have said "Lay on the rod
Or you'll spoil the despicable child"

I'm glad that my parents were hippies
And never were ones then to hit me.
But my grandparents, boy-ie,
That's a whole 'nother story
And spanked if I ever was snippy.

And here, as a special Yuletide treat, is a truly vile pun........read on at your peril, Beryl.

There once was a dog, a true Brit,
Ran under a car and got hit,
Though the doggie was whacked
Its fur stayed intact.........
Which was thanks to its fine fur stayed kit!!!!!!!!!1

I am hosting a dinner for vegans
And know not where one begins;
"They can't eat the meet,
Eggs, cheese, or gel sweets
I guess then it's just salad," said Deagan.

And here's a true story from Nigeria:

There was an old woman from Gwee
Who said,"It's a wonder to me
Why these whities want lots
Of the very large pots
That I make for a very small fee."

The sad truth behind this story is that one of the world's finest potters ( a Nigerian village woman, whose work would make any of the entries in the recent Turner Prize competition look shallow and trivial ) had given up making her vast and stunningly beautiful pots from sheer lack of demand, until a cousin of mine ( another potter who lives out there ) commissioned her to start making them again, in order to preserve her skills and traditions. And regarding "the fee," traditional village potters generally charge about the price of half a dozen eggs for their wonderful water and cooking pots.

The prize winner sure looked a mess
Bedecked in his specially bought dress
Accepting the prize
with mascara`d eyes
A man or a moron? your guess.

A tragedy that true talent has to be subsidised.
Whatever standards are used to evaluate some modern "art" are way beyond my comprehension.

Long live that old woman from Gwee
I wish I could be there to see
her talent, her skill
but I never will
Just those Turner imposters for me

If that ancient pot woman from Gwee
Were to fail due to lack of a fee,
Then I would travel
'Round with a big gavel
And "teach" art to all that I see.

That lovely old woman from Gwee,
Has just now, made history,
She's apeared in this thread,
though it don't buy her bread,
her story's here, for posterity.

I love it, I do,
Here on hootoo,
The way we tall stories and share...
Oops, I've been rimicle snared,
Off to the loo!

I too, love the hootoo clan,
and even the new ICAN,
whilst the anagram thread,
plays hell with my head,
I am still it's No.1 fan..