h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I lost my towel somewhere on ursa minor, or was it major. Shh, keep it to yourself because my name wouldn't be worth squiddle if Ford or anyone else well known found out a fellow researcher lost his most vital piece of equipment. Ah well, if I do get fired I could always drink pan galactic gargle blasters till I forgot who I was.

You're in biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig trouble if you lost your towel. I've got some for sale here for $4305 if anybody wants them.

This is HAL, the new Intergalactic police. If you just hand over the towels, I wont hurt you. I don
't want to hurt you. I'm not programmed with that function.

Have you checked the overhead bin?

Actually, the use of Towels during hypersace was a conspiracy from some nameles diety. This names god felt that the whole irony of a sheet of material protecting people during spaceflight to be right up there with fire and the whole good and evil running gags.

The Galactic Clothing and Material Guild , on finding out it callously being used by said god, immedietly sued him for defimation.

The anonymous celesitial one failed to turn up to court. and it is questionable if the summons was actually served.

The guild, incensed at this apparent disregard of common law, immedietly appropiated the dieties intelectal property (the use of towels in speace flight) to recoup its conciderable legal bills. And in the process became the chief proponant on the excistance of god, as to deny its exsistance would impact on the lucrative towel market among space travelers.

All Thiests are encouraged to report to the Guild on any suspicous looking gods or goddesses, with a rich reward being offered.

Does that include postage and packing ?????

I have it on good authority that your towel has been turned into laundry. This off course means that your towel is now unrecognizably altered to look the same as all other laundry.
It is now a well understood principal that all cloth items can suddenly change into laundry. luckily extensive research has proven that laundromats have an uncanny ability to change laundry into clothing, towels and other cloth items
Though the failure rate remains high (especially regarding matching socks) laundromats are usually able to reproduce a workable towel out of basic laundry elements.

Please try to coach the nearest laundromat into changing some laundry into a towel.

Hey There Froods, theres only one thing for it..... you're gonna have to get a new towel.

Now, an old friend of mine's sister, lived next door to a guy in Nottingham who it is said can walk on his toes, this guy was friends with RevD'Liscard who knows Mad Marcus who introduced me to a group of Dudes called "ZZ9 PLURAL Z ALPHA" - The Official World Wide HHGTTG Fan Club. Years passed, and now I'm President of aformentioned Club(Heh Heh, little did they know...) and guess what ? - you can buy ULTRA-COOL Towels with 'DON'T PANIC' Emblazoned across it from us, along with a load of other 'interesting' items. You must be a member to buy, but that only costs a few quid - e-mail me or check out this site for an application form ..... www.arcfan.demon.co.uk/sf/clubs/zz9/

Blatent advertising? Not at all - just spreading a little hapiness to the HHGTTG Fans.

My problem is not with towels - I have my trusty towel with me at all times!! However a several months ago I lost my babel fish - this obviously causes me big problems when ever I go on a galactic trip!!

Does anyone know where I can get a new babel fish?? A friend of mine once suggested using a gold-fish - I tried it, but could only understand German and Welsh!!

You help would be greatly appreciated. (responses in english please - for reasons listed above!)

You should ALWAYS keep a spare handy

Is this the original film or the 2167 remake?

Thanks for finding my towel, I had my spare stolen by the Vogons during a recent hike. Now I know my babel fish will translate for me when I go to the chinese laundry but will it enable me to persuade someone there to turn a piece of laundry back into my towel? (it's special to me, some babe called Christine Kochanski signed it when I grabbed a lift with this red spacecraft that looked quite lost)

Hoopy froods!
I've got a spare towel if anyone wants to borrow it! I'm currently in Alpha Centuri, but I will be returning back to Beetleguese soon to visit Zaph.
You should have a flannel in case you loose your towel!
I've also got a spare babel fish if you want that too!
What am I some kind of girl-guide Hitchhiker?
No. I'm Mish.
Problem solved.
SLATFATF
Perfectly Prefect

So the towel deity - is it a small god whose presence is usually unnoticed by mere mortals, or is it one of those that you really don't want to antagonise no matter what the time of the month is

Unfortunately i have discovered that even the Babel fish cannot translate Chinese as God vanished in a puff of logic before he could finish it. But i, the wonderful Hitch Hiker, have found a way. Take your Babel fish out and stick it in a glass of beer for an hour and you will find it starts translating Chinese.
!Warning! this only lasts 4 hours and will lead to slight loss of language for the morning after due to a Human disease known as a 'Hang-over'

What?

Do you sing Obi?

Sorry, no towels. Will a large flannel do? Don't say it, I didn't ask to get involved in towels ...

I think your bable fish is deffective, have you thought about that new bable fish tuna up service in the haddock galaxy? I hear that you can have your bable fish tuna'd up every 10,000 hours, a friend of mine had theirs tuna'd up and the fishes vocal range improved immensly, she claimed it could even decypher rap songs! but I think that was a myth as she'd been drinking at the time. Still, go see Catdog Fish in the Haddock galaxy and tell him Millennium Bug sent you.

Has anyone ever had trouble with the towel snachers of the Deklati system. They are from the planet Gealatis and they have a particular distaste for towels. I don't know what they are called but they are very dangerous.
On one of my travels around the galaxy I came upon the Deklati system, a very beautiful place if I might add. These "towel snatchers" used some sort of ESP to take control of my towel and tried to make it kill me and the crew of the freighter I was on. After hours of setting traps, namely making large boxes that resembled washing machines (for some reason they hate wahing machines), we finally trapped the towel. I don't know how the "towel snatcher" got away but my towel finally went back to it's normal self.
Anyone travelling to or even near this planet beware. To my knowledge no one has ever seen these creatures, so I cannot tell you what to watch out for. Everyone guard your towels with your life.