h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow, I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The man says, "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God. What is it? What do you have?"
The man says, "Fifty cents."

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me ten shots of Jack Daniels, quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow, I never saw anybody drink that fast. What are you celebrating?"
The man says, "First blow job."
The bartender says, "Wow - here, have a JD on me"
The man says, "No thanks, if these 10 don't get rid of the taste, nothing will"

A ghost walks into a bar and orderes a drink. But the barkeeper says: "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here!"

(Ouch! I appologize for this very stupid joke! )

Aurora

A man walked into a bar and said "OUCH!!!!"

(How 'bout that one, Aurora.)

In fact, here's another cutsey dumb joke:

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What do you want?" asks the owner.
"I want a beer," says the snail.
"First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve snails. So go away!"
The snail begs and pleads for a beer. The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.
ONE YEAR LATER....
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What'd you do that for?" asks the snail.

I can't think of another real "bar joke" now. The only thing I can come up with is: what do American beer and making love in a canoe have in common?

It's f*****g close to water.

(I apologize to all lovers of American beer!!!! I'm German - and what's even more important - I'm from Cologne. We have our own kind of beer here. Kölsch! I like it!!! Man hat bei Kölsch immer eine Stange in der Hand! )

Aurora

How does Santa like his Pizza?

Deep Pan crisp and even

(sorry)

Aurora -
Good American beer joke - and very true. No need to apologize to those that drink such swill. The beer here in Germany is one of many good reasons not to return to the country of my birth (the United States).

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

(You get it? Bartender/bar tender. Ha!)
(Sorry.)

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What, is this a joke?"

Rene Descartes goes into a bar.
The barman says "What'll it be? The usual?"
Descartes says "I think not", and disappears.

Vincent Van Gogh is in a bar,
the barman says "Do you want a drink?"
and Vincent says: "No thanks, I've got one 'ere"


and Vincent says: "Pardon?"

Three pieces of string are outside a pub and are very thirsty, so one piece of string eventually decides to go in and ask for a drink.
"Hello" he says to the barman. "I'd like a pint of light and bitter."
"Are you a piece of string?" asks the barman. When the string nods, he replied "We don't serve string here, get out!"
The piece of string walks away sadly, but the second piece of string is thirsty, and goes in too.
"Hello" he says to the barman. "I'd like a pint of light and bitter."
"Are you a piece of string?" asks the barman. When the string nods, he replied "We don't serve string here, get out!"
The piece of string walks away sadly, but the third piece of string is thirsty, and goes in too.
"Hello" he says to the barman. "I'd like a pint of light and bitter."
"Are you a piece of string?" asks the barman.
"No," replies the string. "I'm a frayed knot."

<BB<

A White Horse walks into a pub and approaches the barman who takes one look at him any says:

"'Ere, our pubs named after you"

The horse, somewhat perplexed says:

"What do you mean? Eric?"

Sorry, another one ...

Two fat blokes sitting in a pub, table strewn with empty glasses. One turns to the other and says:
"Your round"
The other replies, "So are you, you fat b******d"

Oi! I posted that under 'A seasonal joke'! Just for that, here are two jokes involving bars (sort of). Non-British researchers might not get the second one.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town one day, and walked into the saloon for a drink. While they were standing at the bar a man walked in and said, 'Whose is that white horse outside?' The Lone Ranger said, 'He's mine. Why?' The man replied, 'Well, you'd better go out and see to him. He looks near enough dead.'

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went outside and, sure enough, there was Silver nearly dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger and Tonto moved Silver into the shade and gave him some water. Then the Lone Ranger said to Tonto, 'Run round him and try to create a breeze to cool him down.' Tonto said, 'Sure thing, Kemo Sabe!' and started running rings round Silver.

The Lone Ranger went back into the saloon to finish his drink. He hadn't been there long when another man came in and said, 'Whose is that white horse outside?' The Lone Ranger said, 'He's mine. What's wrong with him now?'

'Nothing', said the man, 'but I thought you ought to know you left your injun running.'


There was a landlord whose pub kept getting broken into. If it wasn't burgled, it was vandalised. Finally he went to the local Crime Prevention Officer and asked his advice. The CPO recommended fitting burglar alarms, but he also advised the landlord to get a dog, preferably something like a German Shepherd Dog or Doberman.

The landlord went out and got himself a German Shepherd puppy, and spent a lot of time and care training him. However, as the dog grew, its tail got extremely long. Eventually, it was dragging on the floor and looked ridiculous, so the landlord took the dog to the vet to have its tail cut to a reasonable length. The landlord kept the spare piece of tail to show people how long the dog's tail had been.

The dog was an excellent guard dog and the break-ins stopped. He worked for the landlord for many years, and one day he died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned him away. 'I'm sorry', he said, 'but you can't come in because you're not as God intended you to be. However, as you've been so good, I'll allow you to go back to Earth and get the missing piece of your tail.'

Well, the dog went back to Earth at midnight, the time when ghosts walk. He sat outside the pub door and howled until the landlord came down to see what was the matter. 'What are you doing here? You're dead!' he said. 'I know', said the dog, 'but St. Peter won't let me into heaven without my tail. So I've come to get the missing piece.' The landlord shook his head sadly. 'You worked here for years', he said, 'and you know the law as well as I do. I can't retail spirits after 11pm.'

See what you get for pinching my jokes! Let that be a lesson to you!

A man walked into a bar. His friend ducked.

or...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

These aren't bar jokes, but they are beer jokes. I don't know if Shiner Bock is sold outside of the US, but it's one of the best beers in the world, in my opinion, second only to Guinness.

Three beer CEOs walk have a business lunch in a restraunt, and the waiter comes to take their drink orders. The CEO of Budweiser says, "I'll have a Budweiser. With its carefully selected ingredients and time-tested brewing process, Budweiser truly is the King of Beers." The CEO of Miller says, "I'll have a Miller. With its choice hops and great taste, Miller always picks you up and never lets you down." The CEO of Shiner Bock says, "I'll have a Coke." After the waiter leaves, the other two executives say to him, "What are you doing? You're supposed to order a Shiner and say something good about it." The CEO of Shiner replies, "Well, I was going to, but I didn't want to feel out of place. I mean, if y'all were drinking beer..."

and speaking of Guinness,

A ship crashes and two Irishmen aboard a lifeboat are the sole survivors. After days and days of drifting on the open sea with little hope of rescue, a corked, ornate bottle drifts close to the lifeboat. One of the men reaches out, picks it up, and pulls out the cork, and a genie pops out of the bottle. He says, "To thank you for freeing me from five thousand years of captivity in that bottle, I will grant you any one wish." Without hesitating, the man says, "I want the entire sea to be made out of Guinness!" The genie says, "Done," and disappears. Immediately, a huge wave of deep brown liquid topped with thick white foam sweeps over the ocean from horizon to horizon, and the entire ocean becomes made of Guinness. The second man looks at the first in disbelief and says, "You idiot! Do you realize what you just did?! ... Now we're going to have to p**s in the boat!"

This is an oldie but a gooey


Two drunks in a bar notice a spittoon on the floor that is brim full of spit.

The first drunk says to the second, "Hey! I bet you ten pounds that you wouldn't drink from that spittoon..." thinking his friend would decline.

"Okay." Says the second drunk and promptly picks up the spittoon and begins to drink.

The first drunk is absolutely disgusted and pleads with his friend to stop but the second drunk continues drinking until the spittoon is dry.

"Why, oh why wouldn't you stop drinking?" Said the first drunk.... "I begged you to stop!"

"I couldn't stop," replied the second drunk "it was all in one lump!"

Oh, there's this rather old but good one too!

A man is sitting in a bar, on the corner a bar stool, looking very sorry for him self when his friend walks in and asks him what the matter is.

"Oh," says the man, "I've got these awful piles and they're very, very painful."

"Oh," replies his friend, "I know a cure for piles! What you have to do is go home tonight and before you go to bed, make a big pot of tea, drink the tea and then get the hot tea leaves from the tea pot and pack them around your piles when you go to bed."

"Oh, thanks!" says the man. "I'll try it tonight."

So that night, he goes home, makes a big pot of tea, drinks it and packs the tea leaves from the tea pot around his piles when he goes to bed.

The next day, he's back on the corner of his bar stool, looking just as sorry for himself as he was the day before, when in comes his friend again.

"Hello." says the friend. "How did you get on with the tea leaves?"

"I tried them," replies the man, "but this morning, they are just as painful as before."

"Well," says the friend, "you'd better go and see the doctor and see if he can do anything."

So the man goes down to the doctor's and tells him about his awful piles. "Well, take your trousers down," says the doctor "and bend over so I can have a look."

The man dutifully drops his trousers and bends over and the doctor crouches down behind him and examines him thoroughly.

"Oh! These are bad piles!" says the doctor. "There's not much I can do with them I'm afraid, but I'll tell you something..."

"What's that?" asks the man.

"Well," says the doctor, "you're going on a very long journey!"

Legend has it that somewhere in New York City there's a bar with an old, magic mirror in the lady's restroom. Anyone who looks into it and tells a lie will instantly disappear, never to be seen again.
One night, a brunette walks in. God has blessed her with great physical appearance, but, as is common in such cases, her intellectual capabilities do not run too far. She looks into the mirror and says:
"Oh my, I think I must be the smartest person in the whole world."
She's not quite finished the sentence when there's a bright flash and she vanishes instantly!
About two hours later, a redhead of great intelligence but questionable looks walks in, powders her nose, has a good look at herself and says:
"Oh my, I think I must be the most beautiful woman in the whole world."
As expected, there's another bright flash, and she's gone, too!
At around closing time, a blonde walks in, sees the mirror, positions herself in front of it, and says: "I think-"