h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I went on a first date with a new boyfriend to a little country pub. The guy was a really shy person and pretty nervous about going on a date. We got a drink and sat down in a quiet corner, when this bloke comes along, pulls out the piano stool at the upright piano that we hadn't even noticed, and proceeded to hammer away at the keys in best 1940s honky tonk piano style.

We were so embarrassed we didn't know what to do, so we both sat their, sipping our pints and going bright red and listening to this awful music.

Eventually we slunk out of the pub, but we never really got around to talking at the beginning so conversation was difficult, and we never dated again. Ahhh, If only that darn piano player knew what he'd done...

There was this beautiful girl who worked in another department in the chocolate factory and I finally got the courage to ask her out. So I figured we could go on a picnic by the lake and watch the stars come out. And as I was driving to her place, it started to rain. And rain a lot.

So I switched to a back-up plan of going to a movie house in town that showed classic films and we'd be able to go out for dinner afterwards. When we got to the theatre, it was showing 'The Guns of Navarone'. But she smiled and said it might be fun so we pressed forward. Of course, we were the only two people in the theatre under 60 years of age.

And for those who have only ever seen it on television like me, that movie in its uncut format is something like 3 and a half hours long. So by the time it was over, all the restaurants in town were closed and we ate at a pizza shop.

Four years later she married me.

Not all dating disasters have unhappy endings.

Awww that's lovely!!

My mate Jim the builder, purchased a 1930s bungalow and did such a good job renovating it that I was determined to buy it from him. Alas, it was not for sale.

One night a few months later Wendy, a girl I had been dating for a while, turned up at the pub with a girlfriend, Mary. Not wanting to spend the night with two girls I rang Jim and asked him to come to the pub and make up a foursome. Jim and Mary got on well together. As the night went on I got a little drunk and ended up burning a hole, with my cigarette, in Wendy's fur coat. This coat was her pride and joy. Wendy and I had a blazing argument and never went out together again.

Six months later Jim and Mary got married. They decided to live in Mary's house. I purchased Jim's 1930s bungalow. I have also given up smoking.

My mother was coming to NYC for the weekend, so I asked Sylvia to come along to dinner in Chinatown, not really thinking of it as a date or anything. After dinner Mom wanted to turn in, but the two of us went to the second-run movie theater to see some awful straight-to-video Susan Sarandon flick. After a post-movie coffee in a little French cafe, I waited with her at the bus stop, and she kissed me and said that she'd had a really nice time. I didn't even realize we were on a date?

Of course, the next month another fellow took her out to the same second-run theater where they saw Dumb and Dumber and that was the end of Sylvia and me.

I went on a double date with my friend, her husband, and a friend of theirs. This fellow said "hello" to me at the beginning of the evening, and "goodbye" at the end, and not one word in between. Now I wasn't expecting the most brilliant conversation in the world, but something, ANYTHING would have been nice.

There was another fellow I dated for a short time, who never started a conversation, but once you got him going, he was okay. Once while on the phone with him, I decided it was his turn to start a conversation. 5 silent minutes later, we said goodbye.

What is it about me that leaves men utterly speechless?

I met a fellow at a science fiction convention. He was charming and intelligent, and seemed to know a lot of funny stories about Hollywood by way of being a special effects person for a few years. The first date went perfectly, and he was horribly charming. He paid for everything, and it was a lavish show that left me feeling flattered.

During the second date, though, "his" car "ran out of gas" about a mile from my place. We walked to my place to get my car, since it was closer than the gas stations and we could use it to get some gas. When we arrived back at his car, I got out to take another look at his request... and he drove off with my car!

Now you understand why I used quote marks in the paragraph above.

A couple of weeks later, I came to understand that the fellow has about 20 different aliases. His funny stories were a sham of stolen stories from other convention guests he had watched, blooper tapes, and his vivid and twisted imagination. This guy has hundreds of victims, many of them young girls he had wooed before ripping them off.

He is married and has two children, both of whom he neglects when he goes on his excursions, and one of whom has a very serious form of cancer. The fellow hadn't finished high school, and had been in and out of mental institutions. In some ways, I consider myself very fortunate that he showed his true colors to me so quickly.

Anyway, I put out an arrest warrant immediately. Once he realized the cops were on him, he called me to figure out what I'd done. I calmly explained that he had committed a felony, and my car reappeared a couple of days later. It had been crashed in a high speed car chase, sold to a shady dealer, repurchased, and driven home on its last legs.

Of course, I never saw Mr. Charming again.

So what is the moral of this story? I dunno. Perhaps it is this. Never judge by the first date alone. And never assume you're out of the water just because the first date went well.

That is a fantastic story!

Thanks, I suppose. It certainly didn't seem "fantastic" at the time, though.

A couple of years ago I had this wonderful girlfriend. We split, though, after about two years, mostly because I wasn't mature enough for this kind of relationship at that time. I wanted other women, wanted to see my ego enhanced, whatever.
A couple of months after we'd packed it in, I asked her out, because I had realized that I loved her and felt that I couldn't do without her. She agreed on a dinner-date and so I went to pick her up at the place where she lived with 3 other guys. One of those opened the door and to my surprise she not only wasn't ready but her room's door was tightly closed, which was pretty unusual. One of the guys told me that she was in there with an American guy she had picked up a few days before and whom she had offered to stay for a couple of days. Of course he was supposed to sleep in the living room. Anyway, I knocked, and all I got were some mumbled sentences to the effect that I should wait a bit, she'd come out in few minutes. So I waited in the kitchen. Minutes stretched to half hours, and when she finally got out of her room it was about three quarters of an hour later. She was in her bathrobe and looked ... well, you probably know that post-coital radiant look, in this case mixed up with quite a bit of guilt. There were no questions as to what had been going on, but somehow I didn't seem to be able to put two and two together. Half an hour later we went for dinner, and then she told me pretty straightforwardly. I cried a lot that night ... The thought that they'd had sex while I was sitting in the kitchen desperately thinking of way to tell her that I loved her and wanted her back was quite something to swallow.
What about the happy ending? Well, somehow that was a point in my life where I finally understand some important facts about myself. And she helped me a lot, too. You know, the way she told me, in plain words, with no excuses offered - somehow that helped me to deal with it, because I realized this had nothing to do with me as we were no longer a couple. I realized that she did love me - as a friend. And she was willing to do quite a lot as to not loose me as a friend. We talked a lot these days. And so - magically - after all theses years she's still my very best friend, about whom I care a lot. I guess that's a happy ending of an otherwise pretty horrible date.

Never date blindly.

I was in Chicago going to school, and I had been dating this girl, not at all seriously, and I knew it was time for me to move, and so it was time to end the relationship. So a couple of weeks before I go, we get into an argument on the phone, and I used it as an excuse, blew it way out of proportion, and ended it then and there. However, my buddy was dating a friend of hers, and he was very much serious, and the only way he could get to see her was through me, because I had the car. So he and his girlfriend arrange a date at Six Flags (a roller-coaster theme park), and she sets me up with another friend of hers.

As soon as we meet, it is clear that nothing is going to happen between us. Now, I'm no underwear model myself, so I don't expect every woman to be a goddess, but this woman was BIG. And, while I don't really care about what people look like generally, fat does top the list of my physical turn-offs. The realization hits my buddy just as soon as it hits me, so he panics. He knows that if I can't keep her friend happy, then his girfriend is going to be miserable and mad at him, and he isn't going to get any. So he begs me to "take one for the team," and even suggests that I give her a shot, and that he wouldn't tell anyone. We knew some guys at school who would purposely go out looking for hefty women, since they never said no... but, as I said, it was a major turn-off for me, so it wasn't going to happen.

I made an effort to keep her entertained, and she was a fairly interesting and outgoing person, so conversation was easy enough. Unfortunately, the longer we talked, the more interested she became, until late in the afternoon, when she started insisting on physical contact... handholding, etc. I finally had to spell it out that I wasn't interested in her, which shattered her heart. Her friend had to console her, and they decided to leave early, and my buddy, for all my effort on his behalf, still didn't get any.

Typical, I get a date with somebody I've been trying to work up the courage to ask out for ages. I feel relatively happy in anticipation of the McDonalds/Cinema combination awaiting me tomorrow evening. I decide to go online to check my mail and see what's new at h2g2. I think, hey why not see this weeks talking point...

Well thanks guys, thanks a lot for that really good omen. I hope you don't choke to death or anything.

Grrrrr

A 20-year-old h2g2 researcher from Oregon, USA, was touring New Zealand. We arranged to meet. This is what happened. I've changed the names.

Email, August 17, 2000
Hello Loony

It's about time for Alice to leave Wonderland...for now. My White Rabbit and Mad Hatter have scattered to their holes (or is it I who runs away in the opposite direction? Hmmm...) But my trusty steed, Shiraz and I are going to take a little roundabout the North Island before I jet off to Someplace Else.

I'm not sure when she (my car) and I are going to be in your neighborhood, but I would like to meet up with you to see Napier properly.

I'll try to bring the weather with me. Herding clouds has become a speciality of mine.

Happy belated birthday.
Alice

Email, September 7
Hey Loony~

I'm in smelly Rotorua right now. I'm going to soak in a nice Polynesian spa here for tonight, but I'll be in your general neighborhood tomorrow evening around 5ish. Do you want to meet up somewhere or should I give you a ring when I've landed near a phone?

let me know...
Alice

September 8
4.45pm. Arrive at the Napier Cosmopolitan Club. Speak to Dave the doorman.
"Dave I'm expecting a young American lass from Oregon to turn up at about 5pm. Could you let me know when she arrives." "Sure Loony, no problem." I join some friends in the Sports Bar.

5.45pm. One of the barmaids from the Lounge Bar comes over to see us.
"Are you expecting a girl from America?" "Yes." "She is next door."
The club has two entrances and one doorman.

"Alice?" Loony?" We shake hands. "Would you like something to drink?" Seeing me hanging onto a bottle of Heineken, she orders Heineken. We join my friends, Patrick, Bill and Colleen at their table. Introductions made, Alice is the centre of conversation for the next two hours.

8pm. Feeling peckish, Alice and I decide to go for a meal.
Napier is renowned for its beautifully restored Art Deco buildings. Many of these are floodlit at night.
On a lovely, warm, spring evening we spend the next hour walking through town looking at the buildings. I provide the historical backgrounder conversation. Feeling dry (me), we stop at a bar in a delightful Art Deco building for a drink.

9pm. We arrive at a restaurant situated in the foyer area of a now-defunct picture theatre. The facade of this building looks like something out of Alice In Wonderland. The theatre was named "The Gaiety". The building retains the gaiety feeling. Alice has a Caesar's Salad. I have Fish of The Day. (John Dory). I peruse the extensive wine list and finally order two bottles of Heineken.

9.30pm. We return to the Cosmopolitan Club. A loud, live band is playing. Alice is fascinated by the bad dancing on frenetic display. We differ in our selections of worst dancer. Luckily, we do not dance.

10.30pm. Alice is starting to flag. She sold her car in Rotorua and made the trip to Napier by bus, a five-hour trip over some pretty rugged roads. She has booked into a nearby backpackers. We arrange to meet there at 10am the next day. The plan is to tour some of the regions vineyards.

September 9.
10am. I arrive at Stables backpacker complex. Nobody is at reception. I ring the bell and wait. Eventually some dude turns up. I enquire about Alice. The dude and I go to Room 5, Alice's room. On the bed is a key and a note bearing the message "Please give to Loony." The dude pockets the room key and gives me the note.

Loony -
Thank you for your hospitality last night. Unfortunately I needed to go to Wellington today (I lost track of dates). We will have to do the winery tour some other time. Thanks again and keep in touch.
-Alice.

12.30pm. I open a bottle of Daniel Le Brun NV Brut
Good yeasty smell, like a pile of fresh croissant waiting for their jam, and a nice tinge of fruit in there, too. Neatly bubbly, so that you feel the fizz without getting a mouthful of foam, and the flavours are fresh and lightly savoury, Finishes well, with a lingering trace of yeast and some nice fruit characters, completing a wine that would do well on any occasion, from eating fish and chips alone by the sea to toasting absent friends...

Okay, this date was a bit of a turnaround really. I liked this lass, quite a lot actually. She was very good looking, a bit shy, but very educated, polite, and a really good conversationalist. Needless to say that I asked her if she was going to one of the parties that a few of us used to frequent. Thankfully she was, and asked me if I'd take her. Hang on, I thought, isn't this supposed to happen the other way round? But I was just too happy.
So, missing a big gap here....

the party was in full swing, in fact it was swinging down. Couples were coupling up on the sofas, the telly was on playing MTV. Me and the aforemention lass are cuddling up with each other. When some bright spark comes out with "Anyone got any porn movies?" Now, this I have found is the part when the all women go, "Oh God" and all the blokes go "No, never seen one." While secretly running through their collection. And, in reply, this lass who I shan't name, bacause her parants already called her Claire, pipes up that she'll go fetch one!!! Can you believe that? I know I can be a bit old fashioned at times, but hey, it's not something a bloke expects to hear from a lass on a first date type thing. Needless to say she became very popular and I didn't see her much afterwards. Not how I'd like anyway.

*LOL*
Hehehe
I'm glad I read this thread.
Can I better these stories?
Well, there was this date I had from the lonely heart's column, he picked me up & took me to a pub. Halfway through the evening, after he'd visited the loo, his mobile went off. He answered... "Er, sorry, I have to er, go to work now,": Practically bundles me into his car & high tails it back to my house, I go to step out of the car, not really freaked out just yet; you understand, when he says "Where are you going?"
I said I was getting out of the car because he had to go to work....
"If you'll wipe off your lipstick, there's time for a quickie" he says....
I won't type out my reply...I'd hate to be banned.

Once upon a time (I say that because you need to rid your mind of mobile phones and email) I met a girl, a very nice girl, at a concert in a neighbouring town. Come the end of the evening, much enamoured, I ask her over to a concert the next saturday in my town. Arrangements were made. I was to meet her off the train at 8.00pm.

The very next day, at a party, I met another nice girl, a very nice girl, and, as these things sometimes happen, spent much of the next week together, doing things that lovers do. She was looking forward to the concert on Saturday. Somehow, I could't quite explain.....

So, come thursday and friday, I tried everyway that I knew to contact girl A, and could not. And I tried every way I could to dissuade girl B from coming to the concert, and could not. (Everyone was going)

Well you know, of course, what happened. Girl A on left, very cross and silent. Girl B on right, very cross and silent. Me, in centre, very silent. Crowd all around going mad!

And the happyish ending, well I took girl A back to her train with as much grace as a spotty student can muster, and ended up marrying girl B. (And still am, very many years later!)

And if girl A is out there somewhere, as I said at the time, I am very very sorry.

Heh heh. I found that story strangely romantic.

Pheroneous - your story's like something that happened to me many years ago. I was in the Armed Forces, and on a travelling show of all military people - 1700 men and 39 women - believe me, not great odds!

I'd been dating this guy for a short while, and we had a date to go out one evening after supper. In millitary fashion, we all ate in a common dining room. I came in late, joined the usual bunch I sat with, right across the table from my "date". Everyone at the table burst out laughing, which greatly confused me. When I asked what was going on, Girl A on his right side told me he had made dates with me, her, and Girl B on his left side. Needless to say, I was stunned!! Girl A and Girl B were my friends, so, ignoring Lover Boy, I asked them what we should do. We made him take all 3 of us out, and we had a great time! We went into town and did fun things, then he brought us back home, and kissed us all good-night. He was a blonde, and was very red-faced all evening.

I reckon you treated him just about right, BB.

(Don't get carried away Frag, after your episode above your judgement may be coloured!)

Pheroneus, I see romance in strange places sometimes. That's nothing new. I am, however, older and wiser than my evil dating stories would indicate. The car-stealing incident took place almost 10 years ago. And since, I found a very nice fellow. I've been happily with him for over 5 years, so I can laugh at the past now.