h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oo argh! Oo argh! Shiver me timbers, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Cap'n Bluebeard's the name, oo argh, and I'm the meanest, roughest, toughest pirate that ever sailed the seven seas.
I've lost an eye, a hand and a leg, and the other day I was so starved I ate me first mate and parrot.
If you're sailing these shores, look out for me.

am tired of the daily grind.
good w\ a cutlass
can swear like a sailor
was on a boat once

can I be a pirate too?

btw-I thought Bluebeard was a big scary elizebethan rich guy who chopped the heads off eight of his nine wives? It's good to hear he's taken up sailing

Oo argh! Oo argh!
What can we do with a drunken sailor?
A man with a cutlass who can swear sounds a good addition to our crew of the roughest toughest pirates on the seven seas, oo arghh! Welcome to our ship, and welcome to our rum. . If you're tougher than a ship's biscuit, you'll fit in well.

arrrrr! A ship's biscuit's got nuthin' on me mother's cookin' After 20 years o' her food, I'm toughern' steel. So Cap'n, where are we headed?

Oo arrgh! Oo arrgh!
Blow the man down, yank up the yard sail, and scrape off th' barnacles!
We set sail for the seven seas, an' your Cap'n knows the course to a Treasure Island full of pieces of eight and haunted by the ghosts of Spaniards. But I'm not tellin' you where it lies in case you split me gizzard.

Eeek! Pirates!

*goes off to lock up his daughters*

arrrr! Get yer slippery arse back 'ere........and bring us yer dotters else I'll split ya' from stem t' stern!!!!

Right....... well....... errr......



....... LOOK! The Goodyear blimp! *point's in vague direction behind the pirates, so they all turn round to look* .....



*Legs it* .... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oo argh! Oo arrgh!
Cat-o'nine tails, and walk the plank!
After the landlubber, or he'll tell the Royal Navy where we are!!

*Pegs it down the dock, where he spies a (baywatch style) rib sitting unatended...

... jumps in, un-moars... and hot wires the boat.....


..... then speads away leaving an almighty wake behind him.....*

Hehehehe.....

*Cap'n Bluebeard's 100 gun man o' war gives the Fish's boat a full 44-cannon broadside.
The rib is destroyed, and sinks.*
Blow the mann down to Davy Jones' locker, oo arrgh, oo arrgh!

*Swims off to get his shark cousins.....*

fetch as many sharks as ye' like. They're good w/ tartar sauce.

*randomly shoots some menacing looks and heads below decks to hunt for the rum & biscuits*

*Suddenly a Huge Giant Squid attacks the Pirate Ship, and latches onto it with it's mighty arms. It lifts the punny ship clean out of the water and shakes it around until all the pirates have fallen out... Then throws the vessel clean onto the shore where it lands on some houses... The Squid giggles..... then returns to the deep from whence it came...*

*The Fish points at the soggy pirates and laughs*

Ooo argh! Oo arrrgh!
The roughest, toughest pirates on the seven seas know how to deal with a mere giant squid, yes me hearties.
Back to the ship, and we'll lay a little trap.

Hey you salty sea dogs, me hears a position open'd up for 'irst mate? And a parrot besides!

**thinks I'm more qualilified for the parrot job though**

Oo arrgh! Oo arrgh!
Curse the cat-o'-nine tails and the tar!
If you can rid the seas of a squid and a shark, then First Mate o' the Nancy Bell you can be.
If not, how good are you at balancing on me shoulder?

A ballancing act me's did many a time, if it be walking ye plank orrr dancin a merry jig on ye 'arrrrd arm.

Buy ye 'irst mate me shall be. And the twos of us shall sail the seas where ye shark and squid makes way for the fair Nancy Bell. A crew of sea dogs we need, to man the ship and plunder the open seas.

Oo arrgh! Oo arrgh!
We'll plunder and maim, and keep me treasure!

Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I'll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.

For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!

*has had a bit too much & is somewhat *

wuzzat a shkwid??? and whozzis new guy and what's 'e doin' on yer shoulder Cap'n???

*stumbling about a bit*

y' want I should shkewer 'im? if so, which one of him? I sez a blokes got no buisiness clamberin' all over the Cap'n like that.
Right. I think I'll go ferra swim now.

*splash*