h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oo arrgh! Oo arrgh!
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Hmm... what do you do with a drunken sailor that's walked the plank of his own free will, me hearties?
Lower the longboat! Man o'erboard!

Ahhrrr. Plunders the seas we's shall. Ahrrr.

'im no need no long boat. 'em there sharks will keep 'im company. Ahrrr.

thpittt!splutter! Right. Sorry. Much better now.
Avast ye! Will one of you stop lollygaggin' and throw me a rope?
*splish*
thur be ships to sink an' sailors t' be slain.

yo ho ho and a bottle of....well no more o' that, actually
*splash sploosh*
how about yo ho ho and a hot cup o'

*splishasplash* arrr me achin' noggin' How about that rope then?

Oo arrgh! Oo arrgh!
Hey ho Jim Lad!
*Throws Tuesdaysoup a line*
We's about to sail the seven seas, and Cap'n Bluebeard needs a crew that knows their ropes, not landlubbers that can't hold their rum. This ain't no pleasure cruise, so shape up, or ship out, oo arrgh!

*shimmys up the rope and clambers aboard*

Aye Cap'n. I'll just go check the lines then an' make sure all's well in the riggin' Arrr she be a loverly ship if I e'er seen one Cap'n.

Ahrrrr. Whileee at it, Tuesdeeee, shimmey up thems there crows nest and sees if ye can spot some ship to plunder. Ahrrrr.

Oo arrgh. Oo arrgh!
Hoist anchor, batten down the hatches, hard to starboard and set sail!

Ye hear the 'aptain!

Set sail. Clear the mizzen riggn'. Hoist the mainsail.

Make room on the forecastle deck, and load the carronades. We's wants to be ready for action!

Are we taking prisoners, Captain?

Oo arrgh! Oo arrgh!
No prisoners, matey - we're not a-wasting our ship's biscuit or our rum on worthless scum who'll plot to overthrow us, oo arrgh!
They'll walk the plank and the sharks can take 'em prisoner!
We're the roughest, toughest pirates on the seven seas, and Cap'n Bluebeard shows no mercy!

Ahoy Cap'n! Ship sighted to our port side! She's still far off though. Just a spec on the 'orizon. errr! But we'll o'ertake her soon enough.

Avast! Was that "take no prisoners" I heard ye hollerin' down there?
Me cutlass is sharper'n well aged cheddar an' hungry fer sailor's gizzards!

They'll be no match fer us bloodthirsty pirates, Cap'n. Aaaaarrrrrg!

Ooo arrgh! Ooo arrgh!
Powder monkey, prepare the cannon for broadsides!
Ram powder down the flintlocks! We board the vessel and aye, take no prisoners my hearties!

We're comin' up on her fast Cap'n! I can see the goodfernuthin' lollygaggers already. Brace yerselves, they're readyin' the cannons.
We can take a few shots. They're no match fer us rough tough & bloodthirstee pirates. ARRRRRR!!

Oo arrgh! Oo arrgh!
Hoist the and crossbones and prepare for battle!
We kill the crew, claim the cargo, and will skuttle her hell to the briny Deep.

Oo arrgh!

*sunbathing on her yaht as she sees the and crossbones raising on the mast of the tall ship that's pulling up to her starboard side. Sitting up, she pulls off her sunglasses for a better look. Yep, bloodthirsty pirates. She waves to her buttler, who's resting at the bar, awaiting her next call. He stands and looks in the direction she points in, then gasps, and runs for the port side, only to dive off and swim away. She sighs.*

It's so hard to get good help these days. I guess I've got to take care of myself then.

*Goes to man the cannons, and quickly takes aim at the cannons on the pirate ship, openning fire. Her lizard hides behind her neck, under her long hair, it's head peaking out from under her hair on the left side.*

Oo arrgh, Oo arrgh,
Shiver me timbers, we're under attack.
It's a brave feller to try a broadside on Cap'n Bluebeard!
Hard to port, we'll ram the barque!

*Sees the pirate ship turning hard towards her yaht, and panics, she just had the purple paint touched up, she doesn't want to have to have dents taken out of the hull, or have to pay for another repaint so soon. She reaims the cannons at the sails of the pirate ship, hoping to take away their ability to move. The lizard freaks out, and jumps off her shoulder, heading for the ships controls, to stear the yaht away from the scary ship*

*Has by now assumed victory, due to the fact that the pirate ship has mysteriously stopped moving!* Tsk tsk... and this is what they call pirates these days? Back when I was a goddess less than a millenia old, pirates were really blood thirsty, and would stop but nothing to capture a ship, and a good looking woman at that... *shrugs* Oh well... *goes back to sun bathing*

*Just when Saturn Girl relaxes and begins to drop her guard, a team of crack pirates climb aboard her ship and bloodily take control.*

Oo arrgh! Oo arghh!
That'll teach you to never underestimate Ole Cap'n Bluebeard. I may have a wooden leg, but I can still swim.

*stomps down on the instep of the pirate holding onto her with her four inch spike healed shoe, causing him/her/it to jump and squeal with pain. As he/she/it lets got, Saturn Girl runs off towards the ship controls, to look for her lizard, who hadn't come back yet. She finds him keeping Cap'n BlueBeard at bay with a harpoon gun that the lizard is swinging about to keep Bluebeard back. Bluebeard is torn between laughing himself to death, and actually worried about if the lizard does shoot the harpoon gun off. Saturn Girl comes up next to the lizard and takes the harpoon gun, keeping it squarely aimed at bluebeards chest as her lizard crawls up her arm again*

I'll thank you to get off my ship, now.