h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The CLI Mini-UFO flies through the long, twisty tunnel, eventually coming to a fork in the road. Affy smiles. He can sense the second gemstone just barely down the left path. He can also sense great minds down to the right. The two paths apparently go to the same place. He turns to GL*

Just down this fork is where we'll find those Mews. I'll send a message to the Esirpretne, you get some rest. I hit you pretty hard on the head.

*Affy sends the message to the Esirpretne*

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies appears behind Affy in a showed of Evilport sparkles.]

[in a sinister tone of voice] Hello. Seen any Screaming Females(TM) lately?

[At the end of a tunnel, they find a cavern. The Mews are there, along with the MewMech II. It looks like a giant mechanical Mew, with wheels and two huge drills instead of arms and legs. At the end of its tail is something that looks like a bumper car, occupied by the Fourth and Fifth Mews.]

*The probes in the surrounding area multiply, and disperse themselves evenly around the MewMech II. Using CompreMatter technology, they seal it once again within a sphere of infinitely compresses matter, which can't be broken from inside or out by any means...no teleportation of any kind can occur through it, and the probes ensure that no dimensional skipping is possible...*

*Pr. C. Tonks, still travelling through the wormhole to an indisclosable location, announces himself over the probes' PA...*


Mews, I do not know what your plan is, but you're not getting past me. As ruler of the Number 1 GalaGroup (which is naturally of higher rank than any one galaxy), I am responsible for keeping such affairs under control in the KU, and you and your Gems are not permitted to ruin it.
I suggest you vacate your MewMech, and signal that you wish to give up, and I will allow to to pass through the CompreMatter Shield, without your contraption.
Fail to comply with these requests, and the CompreMatter Shield will be shrunk, crushing you all...

[YK] Something tells me that's cheating.

*A holographic image of Pr. C. Tonks piloting the Smallcy is transmitted by one of the probes...*


It's not cheating...
...my technology's just too good...
God knows why these apparently powerful telepathic aliens are using technology though...

As an Evil character I can tell you all that cheating when you're Evil is second nature. It's one of the ways in which you get yourself recognised as being Evil. So CompreMatter isn't cheating, it's just Evil.

[something beeps. He removes his Evilpager from his belt and checks the display. Dramatic music begins to play]

My former employees are advancing on our location in large numbers, armed with custard cannons and cookie launchers. We've got not more than three posts before they arrive!

*Well we'd better not waste posts...*
*Hell!*

[The CompreMatter shield changes colors eerily and then disappears altogether]

[First Mew] }HAH!{

[Third Mew] }What a moron!{

[Fifth Mew] }That Tonks!{

[Second Mew] }Did you REALLY think that your technology...{

[Fourth Mew] }...could stand up to five Mews and a Mirabilis Gem?{

[All Five] }En garde!{

[The drills point forward relative to the MewMech and they proceed to ram Pr. Tonks. Fortunately for him, the space between the drills is wider than BigC, so he's fine. Several boulders are disloged from the ceiling and crash downward. None of them hit anyone.]

[YK's face gives a realistic impression of a recently gaffed fish]

[YK] HAH! You got all this from "Tail Concerto!" All right then!

[He picks up a boulder and throws it at the MewMech]

Noooo!!!
Damn this fake technology replacement stuff!
I keep forgeting to activate supernatural-control!!
Hell...probes recall!!


*the probes teleport away...*

Time's up! My former minions have arrived!

[cocks his head]

It sounds like they've formed a comittee to decide what to do next.

[looks out the window]

Yes, that's precisely what they've done.

*Affy, meanwhile, has been chanting and drawing symbols on the air. He finishes and looks at the MewMech II*

Give me the gem by the count of ten. One...two...TEN!

*All of the symbols merge together, and create a giant dragon. The dragon lunges forward, and crashes into the giant machine, in an explosion of thaumaturgical energy. Affy then pulls out a strange looking disc*

Here it is, ladies and gents! A Flying Disc Of Frobozz! These things are so powerful that...they're pretty darn powerful!

*Throws the disc at the MewMech. The disc cuts through the ship, stopping in the middle (the hole is only about six inches wide, though), cutting a few important wires along the way. Then the disc explodes*

Maw, toss this at your former minions. It'll buy us some time.

*Throws a strange looking orb into Maw's hands*

It'll freeze them for ten posts.

[Takes the disc]

Well we don't need to worry until they stop discussing their next move. I won't use it before time.

[Watches anxiously as the committee outside continues to discuss the next move]

*Tosses a grenade at the MewMech II, and shoots it with a high powered blast from his sleetzar*

[YK sort of spoofs Link's Whirling Blade using his lightsaber]

[YK] Wachagabachagabaa!!

*GL wakes up from his nap and the first thing that catches his eye is a sword glowing a brilliant blue.*


Hmmm. Major blue glow. Must be lot's of danger nearby. Headache gone. Very Hungry. Wonder what's in the fridge. Wait. There was something important to think about back there. Something blue. Blueberrys? Blue chesse? Blue sword. Yes! A glowing blue ...


*sits bold upright*

Holy smokes, Affy!

*takes in the situation and springs to the port weapons console. Fires the polka cannon at the mewmech, which begins to lurch from side to side*

*Shoots one of the fuel supplier lines with his magnum. Tosses another grenade. Aims his OmeGauntlet, makes every weapon on it be powered up (weapons with timed effects are set to ten minutes), and fires, creating an amazing maelstrom of fire, ice, sleet, snow, plasma, bullets, lazer, and polka. The damage is considerable*

Sure hope Mew comes back soon so we can tell how much damage we're doing.

*Throws a stilletto, just to be sure. It slices a single power cord, before getting lodged in a gear*

*Reaches down to the weapons console and flips up the cover from a red button.*

I hate to use this, Affy, but this mewmech is tough.

*GL waits for the damage report, with his finger poised over the red button.*

Hey! The committee of my former minions has been blasted to bits by one of the stray shots from all that weaponry! Good on you!

[Rejoices]

Now, for something much more Evil.

[Takes a small device from his pocket and lobs it out of the airlock at the MewMech]

Let's see how it likes the Evilbomb!

[A blast of Evilness rocks the ship and the MewMech]