h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Okay, here we go:

Once upon a time, there was a girl. And this girl was very special. Not that she knew it, but there was something about her that made her unique. Her teachers hated her, but that didn't matter because...

...she hated them. Hate is a natural human emotion and should be utilised to the max. But this girl did not worry about things like this. She was more worried about...

which bra should should have worn today. SHould it have been the white wonderbra or the black lacy number with matching panties. She was particuly worried about this today as......

... she had just bought a new white shirt, and she wanted to try it on, but she didn't want her boobs to be outlined in black, nor did she want them to swallow her tie. So in the end she stole one of her sister's. This move later saved a life because...

... her English exam was today and a girl can't be worried about her undies on a day like that. She wore the white wonderbra.
Nipping out of the house she remembered...

... to feed the next door neighbours Bengal tiger. You see it's not a good idea to get on the wrong side of a neighbour with a Bengal tiger. When she reached school she...

....her sister was soo busty she had to wear an titanium plated bra. This came in useful when she was trapped in a falling lift with...

... to feed the next door neighbours Bengal tiger. You see it's not a good idea to get on the wrong side of a neighbour with a Bengal tiger. When she reached school she...

.... pulled off her badly fitting bra and decided to give her headteacher a thrill. On seeing her he....

... fainted from the shock of seeing a bra (a foreign object to him). She shrugged and put her T-shirt back on. Suddenly she remembered...

thast she'd moved schools and that this was an entirely wrong situation to be in. She kissed the teacher on the nose and strutted out of the building.
9:15, this was gonna be a long day.

10:20, she was getting off the train and walking to her new school. Having put her bra back on, she strutted into the school and thanked God (or whatever supreme being you worship) that she wouldn't have to do her english exam. However, this state of gladness was short-lived because....

She'd forgotten it was swimming on that day. No swim suit. She'd have to borrow one of one of her less well endowed juniors. but who would it be...

... There was probably going to be some bribery involved here. But what would it be- money, prestige, homework? Suddenly something caught her eye...

- it was a ten pound note. She picked it up and decided that it would be bribery. But who had a swimsuit her size? She scouted the corridors until she met...

... her history teacher- Mr Johnson. Not exactly what she was looking for. After all, the pool was cold and she didn't want a chesty cough. Then suddenly she had an idea...

..She'd swim naked. In a rare moment of clarity she realised this would be a stupid idea. Instead she floored one of her classmates buffy style and nicked her suit. it was disgustingly low cut but she was already late and her swim teacher was a straight woman. She ran to the swimpool and quickly got changed. To make matters worse it was a few sizes too small. just in time she got to the poolside. She stumbled out in front of eveyone, they all looked at her in her ill-fittibg suit. She felt very embarrassed but she had to continue the long walk to where her classmates sat. But sitting amost her fellow classmates was......

...her next door neighbour. She was asked agressively if the Bengal tiger was fed, and she kept saying yes, until the teacher told the class to shut the hell up. But the lesson was fun because...

..Her swimming costume was too tight and became semi-transparent when it was wet. Her nextdoor neighbour was annoyed about this because...

... the crowd around her made it impossible for her nextdoor neighbour to get a complaint in edgewise. Suddenly there was a ripping sound and a clap of what might have been thunder as the girl ran, Rincewind style, to the changing rooms. Entering a cubicle she jumped in fright because...