h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Slowly the door-handle started to turn. Panicking, John found a huge table to block the door, but it didn't matter now...

...because a huge alien walked through the door. The alien pulled out his vaporiztion gun, and...

It crackled. You see, what may look like a gun to us was in fact a translator. The when the alien spoke through it, the voice sounded human, although on dope and some sort of hallucinogen. The alien said...

"I don't suppose this is Essex is it?"
John shook his head and said "Nope."
The alien frowned and said "Bollocks. Well, thanks mate, you don't know the way to the next pub do you?"
To which John replied...

"yeah, but I'll have to take you there - it's pretty exclusive, you can be my guest. That is, if you'll do me a favour..."

"...you're gonna have to buy me some pork scratchings."
The alien paused.
"Pork Scratchings?" it asked.
"Yeah, they're little..."
"Oh I know what they are... I'm just surprised there's anyone on this planet who eats them."
John looked confused. The alien sighed.
"Ok," it said "Now I'm going to have to...

"...ask you to give me a bump start, the ignition on this isn't working the way it should."
"Uhh, how?" said John.
"Easy, just fly up and push it as hard as you can."
"Well," said John, "...

"...let me just go to Heaven and get Sainted so I can get some wings and fly up there. Cos you know, people do that every day."
The alien raised his eyebrows. "Sarcasm," it sighed "a sure sign of..."

"nononono," John interrupted, "I'm serious."
So John pushed a kid out of the way of a passing bus and got killed saving him, and went to heaven and got Sainted and gave the aliean a bump start. In return the alien...

...did absolutely bog all for John, cos the world's just like that sometimes.
Meanwhile, up in Heaven...

God looked at the alien, and wrote it's name in His Big Black Book. He would definitely not be getting the jacuzzi treatment when he died. And the Lord did grin...

cos he quite liked the look of john.
he wasn't quite sober and he had heard that being bicurious was getting quite fashionable in the states so...

he looked down upon what he created and saw it was good. On the fifth day....

...he decided he really couldn't be bothered anymore and designed humankind for a joke.
Millions of years later, upon realising his mistake, God...

Picked all the puny humans up and played with them like he used to play with his sister and Barbie dolls. He then realized that in doing so...

..it brought all the Human Rights Activists banging at His door. Which really annoyed him. So...

...he waved his hand and changed them all into sea monkeys.
God liked sea monkeys- they were...

.. strange beasts, but such was God's way. The Archangel Zax wasn't sure why GOD acted so, but then GOD did as he pleased - it was one of the perks of being The Almighty . Anyway...

Back to John the patron saint of alcoholic Aliens. He was now rather annoyed at being stuck in heaven. Only one thing to do he thought....

... bust out of there and check out what hell was like.
He had heard they had all the best music down there anyway. The only problem was the logistics of the thing- how does an Angel fall from Heaven? Then it hit him...