h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A large, well lit room with unimaginable quantities of fabric, clothing and shiny things on shelves all around you.*

Hello, I'm Lintilla, The Head Officer of Personnel Regalia and Pan-Galactic Vesture. I can get you into some really hoopy clothing made to suit your needs. I have outfits in all sizes, for beings with any number of appendages, made of fabrics that are specialized keep up with even the most extreme hitch-hiker. I also am in charge of keeping everyone uniformed here at the space centre. (Not an easy job) In addition, I can add all sorts of patches and shiny medals, designed to give you a sense of "false bravado and misplaced confidence".

Step up, tell me what you need and I will be more than happy to help you find that perfect space suit.

*Walks in, looks at all the shiny things, pauses*
Hello there, Lintilla!
Nice place you've got here. I was wondering if I could get something myself... Problem is, I'm not really looking for a space suit or any of this hoopy stuff.

I've recently signed on as Document Procurer -- or is it Head of Document Acquisitions -- I don't think we decided -- at the Space Farer's Cantina. Oddly enough a good outfit is crucial. Here's what I need:

It should look non-descript -- I don't want to stand out in a crowd -- need to blend in. Even people I know should look at me and go "Is that..? No. It must be someone else." Pockets. Lots of pockets. I need places to stash documents including some that won't be noticed if I'm frisked, if you know what I mean. Yet it needs to be comfortable and easy to move in... in fact, easy to move very fast in, if necessary.

It's a bit of a challenge, I know, but do you think you could whip up something like that?

Hmm... I wonder if I should get a more official piece of clothing too... But I'm rather fond of this old cloak of mine... Have anything equally comfortable?

Okay here's my first stab at the perfect get-up for you Redbeard;

I have some nice fabric over here, it comes in all different colors and patterns-your choice, it has a thin layer of Somebody Else's Problem painted on the surface. (If your not familiar with SEP and SEP Fields, I would be more than happy to expain them) It doesn't create a compleate Somebody Else's Problem Field, because obvious appendages (ie head, hands) are still not covered, so people will still see YOU but when it comes to your clothing, they just won't see or care.

The painted fabric, while perfect for non-chalantness, is not the most comfortable medium(kind of itchy on the back). If I were to put a liner in the outfit (something comfortable like cotton) that would fix the problem.

Pockets. Hmmmm, since no one will really SEE your outfit we could put them all over like you suggested. The only problem is that that sounds sort of uncomforatable to me. We could always slip a couple (6?) into the lining. But we also have a pocket sized teleport that is quite common for people who need to carry a lot of stuff in their pockets. It can programmed to go staight to someplace like a locked safe in your spaceship. Your pocket will always feel empty (great for if your frisked) but in reality you could have been slipping papers into it all day. The only catch is that some people find it disconcerting to stick their hand in their pocket and feel an area the size of say, a safe. (or the fact that their had is now a long distance away from them, in that safe)

Why get rid of something your fond of? I can fix up any holes or thin spots if you like. I can also dye it a new color if you like, just for something different. Certainly The Boss deserves some sort of shiny thing, so I could add that too. Just ask.

Thanks, Lintilla! That sounds great!
The SEP layer is perfect. Let's go with the cotton liner. And give me 3 or four real pockets to use as decoys along with the pocket sized teleport for the important stuff.
This will be wonderful.

What color/pettern did u want?

Hmmm..
*goes over to look at the fabrics painted with SEP, stares blankly for awhile, looks around the store, starts to leave*
Wait a second. I was supposed to pick a fabric.
*goes back to the fabrics, starts to look at them, gets distracted, wanders around, suddenly remembers*
Wow, that stuff really works!
*pointedly avoids looking at them*
Let's go with a black fabric with a simple silver pattern.

sounds very nice.
*slips into the back room, whirring noises are heard and Lintilla steps back out a few minutes later with a ummm, well whatever she has is SEP. She puts it into a strange closet like space behind the counter, presses a button labeled "Instant Sizing" and pulls out a perfectly tailored, ummmm. What was it? Oh yes must be SEP.*

Here you go Redbeard. You and I can see it because I'm pretty sure it's our poblem. (My gosh SEP is confusing) Terrible to sew on as well, never quite sure what your doing.

I put in 4 hidden pockets in the lining(black cotton).
4 on the outside, one eqiuped with the pocket sized teleport. Heres the instruction manual to go with that. I already programmed it for you, but I figured since you seem to have a thing for documents, you would appreciate a copy.

Thanks so much, Lintilla! It's perfect!

*realizes that he's now able to see it clearly*
Whew, that's a relief! I was afraid I was going to have to put a note on my closet door reminding me to put it on

*walks out with new garment, whistling*

You really think I should keep my own cloak? *very relieved* But fixing holes? I don't think I want you to fix any holes... They bring back memories... But that shiny-thing sounds like something I could have... What have you got?

Being the boss im sure u already have a pleasent dose of false bravado and misplaced confidence. No need to go overboard. What about some simple gold braiding on the edges? Not enough change to draw away from a time honored garment, but just enough to spruce it up a bit.
(By the way i never mend the holes in my clothing for precisely the same reason, they are sort of my scrap book seeing that i dont have time to make a real one.)

Gold braiding... That sounds like being just the thing my cloak needs... Yes, please, do that...

*Lintilla steps out from behind the counter and goes over to the shelf contining gold braiding. She chooses just the right width and cuts off several meters. She takes the cloak from Alien on her way to the backroom. More whirring noises and out she comes with a (slightly worn ), gold braided cloak which she hands to Alien.*

I didn't put braid on the one corner, on the bottom left side i believe. The hem was frayed at that location and the braid would have covered it up. I didn't wan't to erase a memory. May I ask how it occured?

Well, that must be the time we were (once again) fighting the stormtroopers and had to jump down from the top of the building eventually landing into a tree...

But this gold braiding looks really great - thanks a lot!

Well at least it was your cloak that suffered and not you!

Glad you like the braiding, Iit really is just the right amount of decoration. Come visit again anytime!

*enters, wearing his customary trenchcoat*

Hello. I'm looking for a security uniform to go under the trenchcoat, as what I'm wearing under it is hardly ever described. It'll have to be black, and able to take a ~lot~ of punishment ... bulletproof, preferably ... and it should have holsters ... lots of holsters ... and look generally official, without being too uptight ... and maybe a row of buttons that do up on one side, and some computer equipment attached, like VR goggles and stuff ...

Well, I think that should be it!

Hmmm.... security uniforms.
*checks the inventory list behind the counter*
ah yes we do have some in. Follow me please.
*walks to a corner of the store which contains a shelf of very soft, thin fabric in many dark color tones.*
This is fabric made from the feathers of the Trell bird. Very soft and comfortable to the skin, it is also very strong. It contains just right chemical that takes particulraly well to the bulletproof coating that can be applied to most fabrics.

Buttons up the side are no problem at all would you like them to be black as well? (or shiney?)

When it comes to holsters, nothing compares with traditional leather. A shoulder holser works well for conceled weapons. I would also suggest a belt with seperate holsters that can be removed and added depending on what you need. I can also make little leather cases to hang off the belt, specially fitted to any electronic gadgets you carry often. Small keypads are easy to install into the cuff of a shirt or jacket. They can be programmed to work with most computer equiptment and are very handy to use. Would you want the keypad on tyhe right or left side?

*walks to a glass cabnet*
I have several styles of security patches over here for you to choose from. take your pick. i can also embroider the hotel name to any of the patches to personalise them.

*lintilla steps over to the shelf of calicos, sees just the right one, pulls it down and slips into the back room. ~whirring~ steps out in a new summer dress. Made of a calico print, the print? tiny little fireworks*
[mental note; return gown to odra]

*thinks. the choice here is astonishing...*

Hmmmm ... the Trell fabric sounds very nice, but how is it on excess perspiration?

Buttons: black and shiny sounds about right. Small and kinda understated.
I like the idea of the belt, it would go very well with the shoulder holsters, and as for the computer equipment, I'd actually like it woven into the fabric, with the keypad on the left sleeve please.
I have a pair of sleek black shades packed full of snazzy electronic equipment that would serve as screen and spy-vision goggles.

As for the hotel ... well, I'd my very own Hotel Chrome
http://www.h2g2.com/A370496