h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~TING!~

Hello?
I'm thinking of getting a ship, but I really should look the part first. Don't want any salesmen thinking I don't know what I'm doing. I'm looking for something uniformy. I've always wanted a job with a uniform. With gold piping.

*slips in to the back room and whirring is heard for a long time. comes out carrying the uniform*

sorry, chrome, weaving the computer equiptment into the fabric takes quite a while.

*slips the garment into the "Instant Sizing" box and presses the button. Pulls a key out of her pocket and unlockes the glass case containing the paches. She pulls out a black patch which is compleatly blank except for the word "security" at the bottom, and relocks the case. Goes to the backroom and brings the patch back out, with "L'hotel Chrome" tastefully embrodered in the blank area. She begins sewing the patch onto the chest with a needle and thread.*

Patches are best sewn on in the traditional manner...by hand

*finishes up the hand sewing and hands the piece to Chrome, compleate with shoulder holsters, belt etc.

I added some absorbent fabric to the inside, at places where excess perspiration could be a problem. I also threw in this little leather eyeglass case, for when your not using your black shades!

BTW, I'd be happy to suit up anyone you hire at the hotel, so just send them my way.

Hope you enjoy the uniform!
*

Hello Yawn(do u mind if i call you Yawn?)

I think I know exactly what you need;
I have a navy blue uniform here, that is premade in a traditional manner (purchased in bulk) it resembles the uniforms of many different fleets all over the galexy, but not JUST like any one fleet. That way you won't get caught and accused of impersonating (just what you need as a new space traveler). Adding gold piping is no problem at all, I have tons of that, and I can just slip it into the seams. To add a bit of importance, may I suggest a "Superior" patch? It doesn't mean anything really, just a tiny patch with the word "Superior" on it. It implys that your superior to SOMETHING(perhaps your pet cat?). But the salesman might give you a little respect when he sees it, perhaps figuring that it means you are someones superior "officer". It's always worth a try.

*Tries it on. A perfect fit.*
Why thank you, Lintilla! You are quite welcome any time you need to be put up for the night! *bows courteously*

*walks out, ready to enforce security.*

*A man knitting a backpack for "Styx The Rat" sits quietly in the corner hoping for inspiration*

Purl seven, purl eight.....

Lintilla, just a thought, but how can you call one-off, custom made garments "Uniforms"? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?

*has entered while Peet was speaking*
But people always wear uniforms to set them apart from people who don't have uniforms. Perhaps we could seek a stricter definition for the term and use it to refer to clothing for people who don't change form.

I came here about a backpack for a very large rat, and see that Looney is thinking along the same lines. Lintilla, I think you know Styx; he is about a foot high at the shoulder when he's on all fours and he's rather thin.

Styx wants a backpack. I think what Looney is knitting will keep the item from chafing, but we need to make something streamlined and enhanced. Something waterproof, black, non-reflective and smooth so it won't snag on roots. Something with lots of pockets. And it should have a velcro patch or a snap in front for undoing it, so he can reach it with his hands. So maybe not so much a backpack as a wraparound pack.

Does that make sense? Can you help us?

Peet; I think Lil has a good point there on the uniform subject, but if you ever need uniformS (in the more traditional use of the word) I would be happy to make as many as necessary.

Loony; Very nice knitting, try some of this..
*steps over to a shelf and pulls down a scain of yarn.*
This stuff knits up beautifully and will never pill.

Lil; I think I can whip something up. How about this little premade pack here, it's just the right size and color. I could waterproof it really easily and the buttons can be replaced with velcro in a jiffy. It alread has a lot of pockets but I have no problem adding several more! From what I know of Styx this will do the trick.

*examines item* Yes, this might do the trick. Not too bulky on top. Which do you think is more practical, velcro or snaps? Or is there a high tech solution I don't know about?

Purl 99,999. Ties discreet knot to finish the knitting. Thanks Lintilla. I will deliver it pronto.

*As if by magic a bottle of red wine appears where Loony was sitting*

mmmmm, thanks for the wine Loony.

There is a special velcro like strip that I could use instead. It is based on the same principals that allow geckos to stick to trees firmly, yet lift their feet with almost no energy usage (scientists once thought that they used suction cups or sticky substances, really, it is sub-atomic, or sub-cellular and very complicated) It's a bit more expensive but will only open when the user would like it to as opposed to velcro which opens at the most inconvenient times.

And there is that unmistakeable velcro sound, too. OK, this sounds good. How shall I pay you for this work?

*slips into the back room to spiff it up a bit, steps back out and hands it to Lil.*
Any payment will do, perhaps an IOU sign for some future establishment?

Lintilla, are you coming over to The Celery's big party?

Has Lintilla not been invited?? I thought she was. Lintilla, maybe Alien will put up a sign on the Space Center page if I make one. For this place, I mean. If you want.

Hi.....er.....where is everyone?
Oh, there's a sign here..."Gone to Celery Party!"
*mutters "Damn Parties! get everywhere!"
I was just going to order a uniform too.
*whirr, whirr, click, click.
*GB looks in the direction of the whirring, clicking noise.
*a metallic sounding voice speaks:
"I AM LINTILLA'S INVISIBLE ANSWERING SERVICE IF YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE PRESS THE HASH KEY NOW IF YOU WISH TO SPEAK TO A SENTIENT BEING PRESS THE HASH KEY TWICE THEN THE NUMBERS IN ANY ORDER IF YOU WISH TO ORDER A UNIFORM PLEASE COME BACK LATER AFTER THE PARTY"
*GB wonders where the "hash" keys are.....
Oh, well, never mind. I'll fly back later....

*flutter of wings
Anyone here?
*whirr, whirr, click, click.
Oh, no.
"I AM LINTILLA'S INVISIBLE ANSWERING SERVICE.....
*flutter of wings

*Steps back in to shop after running around half the globe for several weeks, flips invisable answering servive off and settles down behind the counter.*
Funny, I dont remember installing that, handy though.
*sighs*
I fear I've missed the party, what a shame I hope it was a good one.
*Ponders Lil's offer with a smile and mumbles dreamily to herself*
That sounds very nice.

Hi !

I'm looking for a dress uniform for a Fire Chief?

I was thing an off the shoulder bright red rubber catsuit with lots of gold braid on the wrist, with matching full length D.M.'s on the feet. What do you think?

Sounds very suitable for a chief... not utilitarian but then again utilitarian is no fun at all now is it!!!

Do you actually need it to be fire proof? I have some great fire proof fabrics to choose from right over here.
*walks to a corner of the store and beckons happy Dude to follow her*
Off course if it's just for dress you may have any choice of fabric in the store.

This ExtraWide Goldbraid PLUS++ should be perfect for such an outfit.

More importantly, with such an outfit you will need a very suitable hat to go with it. The wrong one would simply ruin the whole look. Did you have any sort of head attire in mind?