h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*You enter a room containing a few holding cells, currently empty, and a large desk in the middle. The desk contains several documents cluttered on top, a computer for monitoring the station (currently set to play Minesweeper) and a large man taking a nap. He is not really that large, but he is sitting in a big chair and wearing a bulky uniform to look more intimidating. It is none other than Big 'Evil' Dan, Security Chief. He wakes up and asks:*

Can I help you?

Hey, we've got a Security Office!

*Walks in*

And I wasn't told? *to Big Evil Dan* Wotcher, chief! Is there a deputy desk? Oh hello...

*opens a hitherto unnoticed door that leads into a small room containing a few paltry items. A desk. A large-ish leather chair behind it. A poster for The Matrix and a few pegs on one wall (which incidentally, is painted a horrible shade of hospital green). A single lightbulb hangs from the bare ceiling.*

I think this will do just fine.

*Hangs his long dark Trenchcoat on one hook, after emptying several thousand stolen condiments into a drawer with a guilty look. Hangs his towel on the other. The towel is a beautiful shade of matt black, with an oily rainbow sheen quivering into esoteric inages and patterns, hidden just below the surface. This effect is acheived by sub-molecular nanotech implants. It bears the Chrome101 standard (appearing on my page soon). He pops his Smith & Wesson Tactical .406 revolver (aka The Big Gun) into another drawer and sits down*

Ah, I feel right at home...

*suddenly throws himself into a holding cell for vandalising a water machine at http://www.h2g2.com/F35868?thread=51020*

Thanks, Chrome. I was almost going to commit a crime, just for an excuse to test out the new equipment. Now I get to use it on you.

*Dan walks over to his desk and reveals a panel with a variety of buttons. He then presses one of the buttons, and watches what happens to Chrome101.*

*screams in agony*
Aaaaaaaaagggghhh! Aaaaaaaggh! No, no, I beg you, for the love of God, stop! Please stop! No! Aaaaaaaaaggh! Noooooooooo...

A little lower...
Ah, that really hits the spot...

*Pleased with the results thus far, Dan presses an even bigger, redder button.*

This is for saying the station will plunge into chaos without you! The station's already in chaos!

*After several weeks of highly unethical behaviour from BED, Chrome is finally released. He takes his old place at his desk, and waits for somethig to happen...*

Ok, Chrome is released, so now there's real security here. Ok, time to park my ship. Not all I gotta do is find a berth without a nice space and not too much trash....

~Enters, wearing typical space centere thread outfit (like the medieval threads, only shinier and more high tech looking~

How's the security buisness, Chrome? If it's boring, I can always spice things up a bit.

~Sits obnoxiously on Chrome's desk and takes a bite of an apple he pulls from his cape~

*sneaks in*
*inserts Suspect Package under desk*
*sneaks out*

*walks in, arrests the Masque, and then looks at the wall, providing Red with an easy chance for escape.*

Sorry for not releasing you earlier, Chrome, but I mysteriously disappeared for two weeks.

*finds a suspect package under the desk, turns to question Red, only to find the villian has escaped*

~Or is, at any rate, sneaking up behind BED with a menacing looking spork~

*Effortlessly parries the spork with his Fork of Destiny. Eats a donut.*

Why did you parry my spork which was directed at Big Evil Dan?

*Hearing the sound of a Spork deflection, Dan dives behind a desk. A moment later, he emerges from behind the desk, bearing a Golden Spoon. He presses a button on the side and, in a blatant ripoff of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, a second rounded spoon end emerges from the handle. Dan glares at Red.*

So you want to play with cutlery, do you?

*The situation is tense. Chrome makes a mental note to fire his narrator, and get a new one who is not so accustomed to stating the obvious.*
Ah, who cares...
*Walks out to get more donuts for the vending machine in the Security Office.*

There are donuts in the vending machine? Really? Anybody got change?

I didn't even know we had a vending machine!

Okay, well, I knew we had one. I just never saw donuts in a vending machine before. Do they have sprinkles?