h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

}You've said that before.{

Yeah, at Lil's Altier. Have you seen me say it somewhere else?

I think we should keep the South Park movie away from Mike A...

I second the motion.

Okay, then. It goes to a vote. All agreed?

(Aye)

* Through the mists of time & space an outline of an event taking place can be seen *

* An old man in flowing white robes lays upon a couch looking a little dismayed by what an elderly gentlemen dressed up in a morning suit is babblingabout *

GOD - Look, all I came here for was to get some help with my little drinking problem...

* The other gentleman bearing a well groomed beard, casts a perturbed eye over his small circular glasses *

GOD - What ?!? ... Look you would need to have a little tipple every now and then, if you were in my position, working 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, no holiday, sick or annual leave, no discernible perks, no real wages !!!

* The stern looking man looks on, wondering why precisely the elderly gentlemen needs to lay with his legs ‘akimbo’ *

GOD - ...I mean it’s not as if I get that much job satisfaction. Take Earth in particular, it was a wonderous planet in it’s day, full of life and colour. The locals were quiet happy to except anything slightly mysterious as a sign of the divine. Now, they need video footage of said miracle before they ‘might’ be ‘bothered’, or even to ‘consider’ the possibility of something outside the physical Universe...

* The stern looking authoritarian doesn’t look at all that perturbed by the turn of events, though, it’s probably got something to do with his occupation than any religious convictions *

Dr.Freud - You still seem to think your somekind of Deity, don’t you ?

GOD - YOU WHAT...!!!

* The elderly man seems to be quite an ebullient character for someone who looks frail outwardly. His eyes glaze over like red veined marble, his fingers dig into the plush leather of the sofa, his nostrils flare like a Spanish bull looking for a flash of red *

GOD - I NEVER...!!!

* From outside, the rubble of thunder grips the wonderful Vienna countryside, flocks of starlings pretend to make a 90 degree detours around the building without anyone noticing , a babbling vagrant makes his way to betting shop to collect his accumulator on Judgement Day/End of World/ And the Second Coming, before realising that his windfall would be rather shortlived anyway, and pehaps it was time, to make another appointment with the good Doctor...*

Dr Freud - You must understand,...er God, that it is quite a common malady in my line of work. I have hypothesised that it might have something to do with your childhood...

GOD - But I never strictly HAD a childhood...

Dr. Freud - Precisely...

* The patient is showing tremendous signs of patience with the Doctor. Although, HE is quiet sure you don’t need wings, a bill and webbed feet, to be able to say that this guy is a ‘Quack’... *

Dr.Freud - You see, if you have experienced a traumatic childhood event where you treated with little regard, you might try to overcompensate by rejecting society image of you and setting your self up as some kind of ‘all-powerful entity’...

* HE looks on dumbfounded (a small moon in the Destiny Cluster topples off it’s orbit into the vacuum of space), before averting his eyes... *

GOD - Well, there was that time I applied to join the League of Supreme Beings... How dare they say that I was ‘ineligible’...

* There is a momentary silence, as both sides rear around for a collective assault on each others psyches *

Dr Freud - I do feel there must be some kind of sexual connection...

* Freud ponders a little... *

* God ruminates over what Freud could be pondering, HE concludes that he is definitely a ‘dirty old man’... *

Dr Freud - Perhaps you had somekind of bad experience when you were younger... ?

GOD - Are you kidding ? I never had the time to...

* Thinks...HE doesn’t like what HE has come up with, tries vainly to think of something else - fails *

GOD - Well, there was that one-night stand with Mother Nature, the only contact I have had with her since was when MY son turned up on MY celestial doorstep 900 months later...

Dr.Freud- Ahah ! You see, due to your previous bad experience. You have filed your sexuality back into your subconscious, where to this day it resides, presumably leading to you having to resort to alcohol to quell such impulses...

* HE is quiet sure you don’t need wings, a bill and webbed feet, to be able to say that this guy is a ‘Loon’... *

GOD - That’s absolute nonsense ! Poppycock ! ... I mean, really...

* Even to the most casual of observers, you don’t need the presence of a hamster to see that the little wheels in his mind are whiling around at an almighty speed. HE first contemplates how he had managed to go so long without so much as an impure thought, how HE has a greater fascination for horse-head nebulas than the salacious activities of say the ‘sore’ Adam & Eve, or how he managed to ‘overlook’ the activities of some of his more prominent priests, in the bordellos of Rome... *

* If you were to get really close to the head of the patient, you just might be able to hear a metaphysical switch being flicked... *

* From out the body of the almighty a duplicate emerges. Whereas the almighty might be described as dignified & regal, his duplicate looks like the epitome of ‘dodgy’. It’s not so much that he is ‘stained’ from head to toe, or that his remained hair is matted and greased down, and swept over his head covering precisely nothing, or indeed that his suit looks like the one you would bury your least favourite relative in. It is his mad staring eyes that do it, it is disturbing enough that they stare out like two moons in a fixed concentric orbit, but that they jut out at nearly right angles (plus the tongue that lolls about permanently, its really, just the icing on the cake)...

GOD - NOOOO !!!

Mad Gerald - Ahah ! - No one can stop me now...

* The scene begins to fade as the madman begins to do rude to a lampshade, whilst Sigmund Freud begins to make plans to a whole new series of award winning books... *

* Through the fading vortex, a disapproving eye can be seen. No matter what kind of other thought you try to get on with, it appears to be fixed on YOU... *

GOD - Well humanity, I give you a direct line to heaven, and all you can do is ‘pop-in’at the most inappropriate times...

* Sighs *

Anyway...

* Looks up at the ceiling *

I think Mewtwos better say 4x ‘Hail Marys’ for your trouble - EACH!!! ...and I have these scaffolds, nails, hammers and various other utilities for you, for I am not the kind of celestial being to get on the wrong side of....

* Looks over at Mike *

Well, pray is that any kind of behaviour for a newly christened saint ? I think you had better pray to Mary for her divine countenance as well...

* Makes a mental note to take the South Park movie off the bill at the Heavenly Odeon *

By the way, I think Mr.Washington should do the same, for his suggestion over at the NEW ten commandments.

When I said I needed a hand, I didn’t mean that kind of...

- Holier Than Thou...

Ooh.. Mad Gerald... I like the sound of that.

Zax, what's with all the abbreviations on your name? I read about them in a forum somewhere, but...

Oh, btw, Mary is bleeding in a bush

My suggestion was clean and pure. If you are insinuating there's something dirty about it, that's only because you have a dirty mind! (he says, averting his eyes)

Who, me? About the SP movie? Hey, nothin's keepin' me anyway from that...I'll be watching it with my mum this weekend