h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Rock'n'roll'n'insults have gone well together ever since Elvis sneered "You ain't nothin but a hound dog". One of the best insult songs must be John Lennon's "How Do You Sleep?", the "tribute" to Paul McCartney that made it pretty clear that The Beatles weren't going to get back together. ("The sound you make is musak to my ears" is one particularly fine line from the song.)
More recently, Radiohead have produced some quality vitriol. I love these lines from "Paranoid Android": "Ambition makes you look pretty ugly/Kicking, squealing Gucci little piggy."
Very evocative, I think you'll agree.

Agreed.

'How Do You Sleep?' is just filled to the brim with poison isn't it?
"The best thing you did was Yesterday..."

I suppose he had to do it in song, Oprah wasn't around then .

Speaking of Piggies, George Harrison had insulting things to say about those, if I recall..

Can you see the little piggies,
In their starch white shirts...

The Jam's Butterfly Collectors has 'your fashion sense is second rate, like your perfume'
And I've always liked 'like frozen food, his love will last forever' - Elvis Costello in 'I hope you're happy now'

My personal favourite is '...and I don't come from Wales.' As featured in *The Ballad of Tom Jones* by Space feat. Cerys Matthews.

The insults and threats that run through the entire song are wonderful. Cerys gets the best lines apart from the one mentioned above.

I couldn't agree more about "The Ballad Of Tom Jones", which has better dialogue than most films. For instance:
Tommy Scott: "Am I really all that bad?"
Cerys: "You're worse than Hannibal Lecter, Charlie Manson, Freddie Kreuger..."

I can't remember all the insults but I do notice the death threats a little more easily. I really should get the single.

Tommy: "I know the Mafia, Godzilla, King-Kong...."
Cerys: "...And I know an atom bomb thats going for a song."

Classic Lines

Oooh and don't forget the immortal lines from 'National Express' by The Divine Comedy:

'It's hard to get by when your arse is the size of a small countryyyyyy'

Funny you should mention that. Because I want to spend some days with my family but am fairly skint, I'm going to be travelling from London to Bradford by National Express on Friday. (Return train fare: £61.75. Return coach fare: £20!)
If I think that I see the arse Neil Hannon wrote about, I'll let you know.

Since you mentioned "Paranoid Android" before I thought that I should inform you of some other insulting Radiohead songs.
"How Do You" and "Bishops Robes" are both obvious attacks on individuals. Bishops Robes is aimed at Thom Yorke's ex-headmaster but I'm not sure who "How do You" is aimed at.
I have to agree that the best insult is the one in National Express though.
That truly is Divine Comedy.

I'd like to hear those lyrics.

Of course not insults-in-songs forum would be complete without the late great Frank Zappa.

"You may not thinks so from what you've been through.
But ladies you can be an asshole too.
You might pretend you ain't got one on the bottom of you
But don't fool yourself girl, it's looking at you.
Don't fool yourself girl, it's winking at you..."

The lyrics of "How do You" are as follows:

"He's bitter and twisted
He knows what he wants
He wants t be loved and
He wants to belong
He wants us to listen
He wants us to weep
But he was a stupid baby turned into a powerful freak
But how do you? How do you?
He lives with his mother
But we show him respect
He's a dangerous bigot
But we always forget
And he's just like his daddy
Cos he cheats on his friends
And he steals and he bullies anyway that he can
But how do you? How do you?"

Not very subtle. I don't know all the lyrics to "Bishops Robes" as I don't have a copy but was only told about it by a friend.
I know it contains the line "Bastard Headmaster" though.

While I'm at it, another good insult can be found in the Nirvana song, "Lithium"

"I'm so ugly
that's okay
cos so are you
we've broken mirrors"

Classic. In fact someone should start a forum on self-deprecitry lyrics too.

I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here...

Yeah, self depreciating lyrics are a sub-clause in songs.
Bloodhound Gang had a pretty good one too. Shall have to try and remember that one.

The Bloodhound gang's song ... "Why's everybody always picking on me"

"Cause you run like a girl and you sit down to pee"

That's the one!

Something about a doctor asking a father if his wife slept with Chewbacca.

No sir you mistook me.
I did not mean your lovely wife was shacking up with a Wookee.

And then goes on to describe the newborn as ugly as 'Chewie, Baba Louie and Hong-Kong Fooey' rolled into one.

Cerys Matthews definatly carried on brilliant insults from "The Ballad of Tom Jones" to Catatonia lyrics. i can't think of that many good ones right now, but I've always liked

Joan of Arc, come kiss my art
Leave a charcoal mark.

I'm not sure if that counts as an insult, but I was really tempted to try it on anyone I don't like but can't say "arse" to.
Think it would work .
I'll try and look up some better Catatonia or Garbage (nothing to do with Cerys Matthews, but cool and classic) later.

Another oldie from Elton John,

Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground

Never could figure out how to pull that off in casual conversation though:0)

The other day I saw "The Filth And The Fury", Julien Temple's excellent documentary film about The Sex Pistols. After suffering a week of over-the-top media gushing in praise of the Queen Mother, it was particularly good to hear the Pistols' great insult song "God Save The Queen".
Contrary to widespread belief, that song does not in fact call the Queen a moron - although it does say of Her Majesty: "She ain't no human being". It's actually more ambitious than that, insulting everyone who listens to it, like this: "God save the Queen/Her fascist regime/It made YOU a moron/Potential H-bomb".
The film features recent interviews with the surviving Pistols. In one of them, Glen Matlock - the bassist who was sacked and replaced by Sid Vicious - explains that he had always objected to the lyric of "Anarchy In The UK" on the grounds that "Anti-Christ" and "anarchist" didn't rhyme properly. Which I think probably tells us everything about why he was sacked.

It certainly does. The man has no soul. The last thing you should criticise the Pistols for is their lyrics. LOL.

I'm amazed there's been no mention so far of Weird Al Yankovic - nearly every album has an entire song that's pretty much one insult after another. "One More Nimute" from Dare to be Stupid is clasic -
"I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than spend one more minute with you."

or try "I'm so sick of you" from Bad Hair Day --
"You even snore when you're wide awake..."

Off "Running with Scissors" there's "Your Horoscope for Today" --
"Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak"

and "It's all about the Pentiums" --
"You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller"

Most of the rest of his songs have insult material incorporated into the lyrics, but would have to be phrased differently - the many fat jokes ("Grapefruit Diet" from "Running with Scissors" & "Fat" from "Even Worse") are told first person. But there's great material in all of his work.

Hey you. You're such a peasant.
You got as much brain as a dead ant,
As much imagination as a carvan sight


From Monty Python's Idiot Song