h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Computers only crash when what you are trying to do is REALLY important.

Fuses and lightbulbs only blow when you don't have time to replace them immediately.

The credits in your electricity meter will invariably run out when your computer is on overnight finishing an important task.

The modem always drops when you have typed in a 3-line comment on IRC, but just before you press "Enter"

They know. All of the computers.

When the sysadmin goes away, the machines pine for him, and break.
We've seen servers that have been stable for months crash within an hour of their sysadmin stepping onto a plane. They continue to crash until he returns from vacation, at which point, no problems can be found, and there are no more problems.

Sometimes a picture of the sysadmin works, but only if it's an older, dumber machine.

It's not just computers - you all are forgetting where they learned these tricks...from the car keys and other inanimate objects that disappear, you spend half of the day looking for them, you're miserably late and frustrated...and then, there they are - in the place you've looked 30 times already. Object permanence is a myth - computers have just made that theory, and the conspiracy behind it, high tech.

In the technical workplace (recording studio for example) a piece of equipment will sometimes fault. However, when the technician is called, that piece of equipment will begin to function perfectly as soon as he walks into the room. No matter what you do, you cannot make this equipment fault again, until the technician leaves, whereupon it will immediately revert to its faulted state (causing you to call the technician again, and so on).

Technicians do not readilly believe this Law of Life.

Kooka

Speaking from my years of academic experience, I've always found that the ink in your printer always runs out (and you have no replacement) when you are printing out your term paper ten minutes before it's due.

Or, perhaps not so universal: a book falls on the keyboard of your computer, breaking an important letter (let's say "n"), at midnight the night before the paper is due. Not that this has any basis in reality...

Yes they do, they just look on it as an excuse to get out without doing anything.

Another Law of Life;

Funny things that happened in the Pub/Supermarket/Uni etc are never funny outside.

Also, only gullible people in the middle of no-where are likely to be kidnapped by UFOs.

You only notice lampposts going out when you are under them when it is dark.

i think we are missing something somewhere. if the computers crash because they are pining for the systems administrator, how is that related to keys that disappear and then reappear where you have already looked? and how is that related to a piece of equipment that operates incorrectly at all times except for when a technician is present. i think there is something there binding all these occurrences together...something that doesnt want to be known. i knew what this was ten minutes ago, but my computer locked up as i was typing it and i forgot what it was after i rebooted.

So memory itself is part of the conspiracy... how interesting... But does it count as an inanimate object???

actually, i forgot because my memory sucks. but it would have been okay if my computer hadnt picked that particular moment to crash...which, incidentally was due to windows having grabbed 40meg of my --oh my lord-- my computer crashed because windows has stolen 40meg of its memory. and my memory failed at the same time. a mind-machine link of sorts, perhaps?

The problem with the Inanimate Conspiracy is that car keys and such things may not always be as inanimate as they seem... To illustrate, a tale told to me by a good friend, now sadly passed away...

His girlfriend had misplaced her watch. They knew it was somewhere in the bedroom, but gave up looking after almost two weeks of searching. One morning, having a lie-in, they were awakened by a loud thump, and the feeling of something hitting the duvet between them. They looked over the top of the duvet to see the watch resting in a deep dent, between them. There were no high shelves etc. for it to have fallen from, and even dropping it from ceiling height they were inable to reproduce the dent in the duvet...

Spooky, and definitely not inanimate.

Okay, you think losing yoour keys for 30 minutes is bad...

I recently moved into a new dorm room. The air conditioner was on when I moved in, and it stayed on. It wasn't to bad, until it started getting cold in the room at night around 10 pm. I decided it might be nice to turn the a/c off, so I looked for the controls, and I couldn't find any. After a brief search, I decided that it was on an automatic control somewhere else in the building.

After a month I got fed up and asked a friend if and where the control was in his room. He told me that his was just inside his door and to the left, so I looked there in my room and, sure enough, there it was. There was absolutely nothing obstructing it, and it is in plain sight of the rest of the room, yet I couldn't see it until someone told me exactly where it was. I still don't beleive it's there, and I keep looking to make sure I'm wrong.

If you think your keys hiding under your hat for 30 minutes is bad, what do you think about permanent fixtures hiding behind nothing for 30 days?

so perhaps objects are not as inanimate as we think... perhaps they ARE [insert bad movie orchestration here] PLANNING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! MUAHAHAHA! or perhaps they are innanimate, but higher forces more in tune with their mystical, spiritual side than you or i are fiddling with the objects... maybe trying to send us the message that bunnies are evil and strawberry applesauce is the wave of the future. perhaps.

Another one.

Mondays are only malfunctioning for Christians.

A universal law.

You life only once.
So respect other life.
Don't let them eat the cheese and
live life.

4F'er

not to get off the subject but...
fellow vegan?

Judging by the poetry, another Vogon

...Sorry

To return to subject:
My watch I'm sure isn't inanimate. It has a constant desire to tell me the wrong time. No matter how often I alter it or reset it, it tells the wrong time. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. When I don't need to know the right time, it's fine. Whenever knowing the time's important, it's wrong. Coincidence? Or Paranoia?

Actually, to get back to the animate/inanimate debate, I don't believe that the crux of the matter is the motive
of the object. I'm a technician, and I firmly believe that machines can be "taught" by an individual to not
malfunction. Any animal shies from(and obeys) an authority figure who becomes violent. On the other hand,
the same animal will cut up twice as much when its handler is away. So, if you have a tech who uses the
universal "technical tap", accomplished by either using the hand or a hammer, the machine will "learn" to function
properly in their presence. It's spooky, but true. Try it!

When I used to run a workdhop, we had a 4-pound "Lump Hammer" called "The Amstrad Adjusting Tool"...

Practically everyone I know has a computer that keeps on breaking down and crashing. I, though, have always named my computers and have treated them well, and I have never had a single computer problem. So I guess that shows that if an object has no reason to malfunction, it won't. So how do I get my Digital Watch on my side? Box of choccies and some sweet talk?