h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The harder it gets, the more you want another one.

We have two, aged 3 and 1 respectively. A girl and a boy, which keeps us guessing what will happen next. There is no way the experience of raising the first teaches us much about raising the second. She liked to be cuddled and look at books. He likes to see how high he can climb and break things.

My sister, number 5 due early November, reckons it gets easier from 3 onwards. Hope so. Caught sight of this infant the size of a guinea-pig being carried in what looked like a cyclist's crash helmet and just know my partner and I should have another one soon.

Thank You for sharing.

We have one 3 years and number 2 due early november.
I guess we have'nt had it hard enough, and I really become scared when you write the one haven't learnd anything from no 1.

Can it be undone at this late stage?

The more I hear, the less I want one at all, thanks.

"If he didn't smile we'd through him out the window." A friend said that, not me! Those smiles make up for all the pain. What you learn as a person make an outward bound or course in leadership skills look like piffle. Give a Royal Marine Trainee a baby for a week instead of sending them to a remote island for survival training.

Couples who don't want kids don't know what being a couple is all about; they're cowards. My sister-in-law and her partner, together for 6 months longer than my wife and I and deeply in love (10 years together) have split up. Why? Because he is adamant he doesn't want to have children. If he's that selfish now it's probably just as well that they don't make babies together.

Whether or not you want children is something that should be discussed before getting engaged, but never is. I didn't become aware of the fact that Richard doesn't want kids until after we married. It doesn't bother me too much. Right now we couldn't afford it, and I have a career that would probably suffer.

I disagree that couples who don't want kids are cowards and don't know what being a couple is about. Some people just don't like children, and I include women in that in spite of the general opinion that all women have a built-in maternal instinct. I'm not sure I have much of one, as the sound of a crying child often makes me want to throttle the 'brat', rather than try to find out what's wrong.

Richard and I have known each other for 11 years and have been married for 9 (our 9th anniversary was September '99). Although we have a slight difference of opinion over whether we should have kids, there is no way we are going to split up over it.

I suppose your sister-in-law could have tried getting pregnant without telling her husband what she was going to do. Some men are adamant that they don't want kids until the first one is born. Then they change their minds. However, if he really was that anti-kids, the marriage would probably have broken up anyway.

The best thing with kids are that once you get them you'll love them whatever. I think no one is really prepared for beeing a parent until the first one "drops down". After that you don't want to be without them. Like my wife said:
Once is enough, twice is nice

Your cousin who's selfish may well consider those who have children to be the truly selfish ones. After all, he's foregoing part of his household's share of the planet's resources, which he would otherwise use for childrearing. This makes more stuff available for other people's kids.

But he probably agrees with you, it's just as well he doesn't make babies.

I agree. The last thing the world needs is more people consuming its resources. But try telling that to whatever impulse it is which makes us want children like we never wanted anything else. And somebody's got to be selfish to perpetuate the human race

I'll have to take your word about the impulse that makes people want children, as I seem to be missing same. If I ever had such an impulse, it got chased out by my addiction to sleep.

I'll agree about someone having to keep the species going, though. You can have my children's share of the world's resources for the cause. How's that?

I read somewhere that a western child consumes the equivalent of one (or more?) third world villages in terms of global resources, so any contributions gratefully received.

As far as the childbearing/fathering impulse goes, judging by the people I know at work and through friends and family, it's something that affects almost everyone at some point in their life. This includes those who have long denied any urges. Given the trauma that results from being unable to satisfy that impulse, you are fortunate indeed, Administrator General.

I thought parenthood was for other people until the day that this thought struck me:

If I don't spawn, then I won't get though to the next round!

As a modestly competitive person, I thought I couldn't let the Others win the Darwinian Race, so I said, "Mrs Arf, prepare yourself, we're going to breed!" and so, with the hard part over, we set to it.

There followed two and a half years of trying, buying testing kits, trying, buying thermometers, trying, buying little computers to tell us when to try, trying, visiting an awfully nice chap in a white coat who stuck needles in Mrs Arf, not trying for three days to that I could rush a high quality 'sample' from my bedroom to the hospital 25 miles away in under 20 minutes, trying again, visiting the nice man in the white coat who assured us some pills would sort us out, trying again, visiting the nice man's locum (who also wore a nice white coat) who told us to keep taking the pills even though they weren't doing anything and the blood samples indicated that they'd hadn't been necessary in the first place, trying some more non-spontaneous premeditated intercourse at the behest of the little predictor device, throwing away the pills and trying to hit the magic fertility window one more bloody time until, finally, that little blue line appeared. Ah ha, we thought, that's the hard part over with.

There followed three months of non-stop vomiting. Looking back, its funny to remember the good old days when for three months Mrs Arf couldn't get from the car to the office without showing some passer-by what she'd had for breakfast that morning. Oh how we laugh about the day she greeted the plumber with a jaunty, "Hello! Er, excuse me, I'm just about to be sick.", before rushing off to the bathroom. Then there were the three months of happiness when Mrs Arf had adjusted to the hormone overdose and felt like trying all the time despite my protestations that we'd got past that stage now. Then there followed the three months of complaining when Mrs Arf's legs swelled up, her back hurt and she could never get comfortable. You can imagine our relief then, when the 36 hours of labour began. Mrs Arf says, "Take the drugs". And lo, Spawn 98 was delivered. Ahhh, we thought, that's the hard part over with.

The next six months are best summarised as follows:

Scream sl feed vomit sle feed change scream slee feed vomit change feed s scream vomit feed slee scream change feed sl feed scream slp inject scream scream scream slep vomit.

Repeat the above three times a day for six months. Note the lack of proper sleep. All the other stuff is easy if you've had enough sleep. Oh, the hell, the hell. I thought it would never end until one day I realised that Spawn wasn't screaming becuase she was suffering, she was screaming for an altogether more sinister reason. You see, all that screaming was Spawn's way of training Mrs Arf to obey orders. Spawn had decided to limit Mrs Arf's sleeps to 45 minute periods. When her allotted time was up, the screaming would start and Mrs Arf would get up to feed/rock/wipe/change the Spawn. The first evening that I inteferred with this little Pavlovian set up resulted in Spawn screaming for four hours before falling asleep. I had to tie Mrs Arf to an armchair downstairs while all this was going on. She kept whimpering, "My baby, my baby,...". (I had to admire the effectiveness of Spawn's training - I wish I could get my staff to be that obedient, but they just laugh and call me names if I start screaming.) Every ten minutes I would go in and reassure Spawn that we hadn't abandoned her to the next pack of wolves that came along, and she'd smile and coo in the hopes that she could somehow by-pass my forebrain and take direct control of the baby-picking-up-and-cuddling center in my brain, and I'd turn to go and she'd redouble the screaming as I descended the stairs. The next night the sceaming lasted for ten minutes before she fell asleep. On the third night of the new regime she looked at me when I put her down, closed her eyes and just went to sleep. Phew, we thought, that's the hard part over.

After reading the above, I'm sure there are lots of Ladies out there who are fuming on Mrs Arf's behalf. It does seem as if she does all the work. This is not the case, and this brings me to the downside of parenthood as far as I'm concerned. Regretably, I work away from home during the week. Now that I'm though to the next round (my Darwinian Score Card as a proudly drawn One on it), I've come to miss dear little Spawn so much that I've handed my notice in. Perhaps we can start work on Spawn 2000, now that the hard part is over!

My. Thanks for sharing...

As for myself, I've decided to give my memes a better shot at reproducing, by making my genes take second place. The study of memetics is similar to genetics, only it deals with ideas (memes) instead of genes. I commiserate on the world's upcoming terrible loss of my genes, but trust me, y'all won't be missing much.

I sympathise with your approach (it used to be mine) but consider for a moment the competition between Microsoft and Linux or the wonderful BeOS. Microsoft's memes get loaded by the manufacturer. Linux and BeOS have a minute fraction of the meme space, and even when they do get a look in, as on my machine, they are more than likely to be sharing it with Microsoft's spawn.

Besides, who's going to look after you when your diaper needs changing in ten/twenty/thirty years time.

And how many times a week do you look at someone and think, "Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" It can never be wrong to bring something beautiful into the world. I'm not saying its easy, but its worth it.

After due consideration and a mere six months' experience, one of the best things about having children is the prospect of becoming a grandparent. I have seen the effect on all four grandparents of our baby and it is wondrous to behold. Not only do they seem more doting, they don't have to change nappies day in day out and (as happened over Christmas) lie awake all night trying to hear the little one breathe because she had her inaugural cold.

In summary - being a grandparent is

a) easy

b) even more worth it.

Dontcha just hate it?

Regarding the Microsoft vs. Linux analogy: Given the relative amounts of effort spent promoting each one, and the results thereof, I'd rather be in Linux's shoes.

Regarding my diaper in thirty years: The money I'm not spending on my children will go towards paying your children to change it, with lots left over for little things like world cruises.

Regarding beautiful things in the world: Some people are beautiful, but some things which people destroy by overpopulation are beautiful too.

what a wonderful way of looking at parenthood i myself am a mother of one,one is more than enough for me to be honest im to scared to have any more just incase i get another strong willed determended little girl people keep telling me know two children are alike but i keep getting this feeling i will be the one to prove that wrong.
please dont get me wrong i love my child to bits i just hate the things she does climbing out of windows escaping out of the house at half six in the morning to name just a couple, and i wonder why i have grey hair appearing i just hope and pray things get easier as she gets older well they can't get worse can they ...........?

you are never ready for becomming a mum or dad all i can say is try your best and everyone makes mistakes along the way after all children arent born with an instruction book even though we all wish they were most important of all is try to remember that parenthood is a blessing and try to enjoy the experiance good luck !!!!!!!!

I'm with you, Suzie! One is enough. All those thoughts of cuddling with a sweet, little, dependant cherub went straight out the window the moment mine was born. In fact, she was so ready to be independant and on her own that labor lasted, oh, about one hour. Lucky me, I guess. She's a sure challenge, but, like my husband who fathered her, she's one of the biggest pains in the (^*&^% I will ever love. I haven't the mental or physical energy for another one. Besides, this one fills my heart pretty darn well!

As for you who choose to not breed, you have my full support in your choice. HOWEVER, keep your parenting opinions to yourself. If you see a misbehaving child you believe is reared by parents who couldn't perform as well as you, then I've got a pair of jelly-stained sneakers in which you should walk a mile. But then, that mile would probably only give you enough knowlege to cause you to pretentiously assume you know parenting empirically. (...And I could advise an astronaut about space travel, having read H2G2.)

In the end, it's all about making a choice that suits you, then living with it - not judging the choice you did not make.

I generally support parenthood, for those who know what they're getting into. After all, somebody's got to produce those people of the next generation who will spoon-feed me when I'm old and decrepit. B^{D>

However, if an astronaut crashes his spacecraft into my house, I'll feel free to critique him on his landing technique. Likewise, if your child is misbehaving and I can't escape it, I may not be able to suppress a pithy comment or two. B^{C>

No parent can ever know what he or she is getting in to. In fact, I can't think of one major life event that involves actually knowing what one is getting in to. After all, what would there be to learn, and how little we would grow if we had to know what we were getting in to before getting in to it?

If an astronaut crashes into your house, one must assume he first had the basic means to avoid the problem. This is not so with children. Occasional misbehavior of children (unless the child is age 2 through, say, 4, then it's constant misbehavior) is as natural and uncontrollable as the ocean's tide. Even the best surfers get taken down by rip-tides. One may spew a pithy comment or two, but that's like cussing at the weather.

Now, I certainly understand how one might be displeased with disruptions from the angry ankle-biters. Venting about such is quite reasonable. What is not reasonable is the non-parent response which is intended to teach the parent a lesson about child rearing. Not only is it completely fruitless, it's no less rude than a doctor trying to advise a cop on his duties. No practitioner is perfect in his profession, and no task at hand is ever perfectly consistent - not even when it comes to parenting. So, you may be the victim on occasion of less than perfect children, or of a cashier who adds your produce incorrectly, or of your postal person who may deliver the wrong mail to you. That is the nature of being human. Be annoyed, cuss, whatever. But do get over it.

I don't assume you do this, Admin-Gen, but your post provided the spring board from which I may address those who do. Thank you.

Perhaps I misstated. I generally support parenthood, for those who have at least considered what they're getting into. Nobody can know it all, but they can at least realize that it's not all hugs and cuddles.

And while I understand that even the best surfers get taken down by riptides, I'd feel better about that if I weren't required by society to go surfing every other day. I associate with quite a few people who have no children, and I can say with some authority that, if we had no chance to critique child handlers in action, both parents and non-parents would be happier.

Yes, I'm ranting, and I'll get over it. I'm not proposing we legislate children out of existence. But if I could walk into a restaurant and be asked "Children or no children, sir?", that would be a good start.