h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here are a few to kick start this thread. Like the last one of a few years ago this is because of a recent loss (see post on companion animals)

"Don't you get confused between your watch and your fit bit?"
"No, it's easy to tell which is which."
"What's the time then?"
"One eighty over twenty."

I've stopped using Grecian 2,000. I've finally come out as Grey.

I've started a campaign to protect dried fruit from extinction. It's called Save The Date.

Being a follower of the royal family, when I feel down I visit one of their residences and indulge in a little Highgrove therapy.

Never marry a golfer - they always play a round. Come to think of it, never marry a footballer either - they always play away from home.

What happened when Chief Shortcake died?

Squaw bury Shortcake.

I used to contact my old army buddy through his employer, Hercule Poirot. Nowadays I just contact Hastings Direct

There was a knock on the door. The Madam opened it. "Yes?" she said.

"I have a big pot of soup for you," said the delivery man.

"Why soup?"

"Well, it's broth for the brothel."