h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A cavern below the earth. Irving Washington is kicked awake by a boot and hot coffee is poured down his throat. He is then marched into blinding sunlight -- being whipped if he stumbles. He is being forced to pick coffee beans for a lost tribe deep in the bowels of the Amazon Rain Forrest.*

Where are they?

*he wonders to himself, hoping that the boys at Crater Labs got his package, and that it was not intercepted. Three days ago he sent his journal, a letter, and a package of beans with the last airplane that he'd seen in this part of the jungle.*

*Meanwhile, in another part of the jungle, an old fashioned looking plane with a CLI logo on it is flying*

*Irving eats a breakfast of cold meat, stale bread, and old cheese, before going back to picking beans. With his breakfast, his captors give him the wonderful coffee which is the only thing that keeps him going*

*Affy checks the map again. He should show up overhead of the circled spot by the next posting*

[Closeup of Ketsar]

[Ketsar] }Okay ... explain this to me again. Where are we going?{

[Pull out revealling Poxlu]

[Poxlu] {We're going to an Amazon jungle save Irving Washington.}

[Ketsar] }Why are you here?{

[Poxlu] {So I could help out.}

[Ketsar] }Why's Miwihi the Mew here?{

[Pull out some more revealling a Mew]

[Miwihi] {Moral support.}

[Ketsar] }Why am I here?{

[Center on Poxlu, but not moving anyone out of the shot]

[Poxlu] {Because on Earth, it's not safe for females to travel alone.}

[Ketsar] }Why's Pikachu here?{

[Pull back to reveal that they are on the wings of said old CLI plane and a Pikachu is under them]

[Poxlu] {Because we couldn't find Affy to keep her company while we were gone.}

[Ketsar] }Why's Affy here?{

[Pull back to reveal the entire plane, flown by Affy]

[Poxlu] {Because this was his mission.}

[Ketsar] }Oughtn't we reveal our presence to him?{

[Poxlu] {Good point.} [raises telepathic "voice" i.e., she increases broadcast range] {Hey, Affy!}

*Affy starts at the sound, before looking around. He checks some sensors, and sees the presence of several Pokemon on his plane*

Oh, drat. DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT YOU'RE HERE?

*Irv, still slaving away on the ground, wishes he had had the foresight to have sent a distress signal to several young pokémon he has never met. He has a feeling they may be able to help in any Indianna Jones style rescue mission that Affy might have devised to save him*

*Irv, still slaving away on the ground, wishes he had had the foresight to have sent a distress signal to several young pokémon he has never met. He has a feeling they may be able to help in any Indianna Jones style rescue mission that Affy might have devised to save him*

*Irv, still slaving away on the ground, wishes he had had the foresight to have sent a distress signal to several young pokémon he has never met. He has a feeling they may be able to help in any Indianna Jones style rescue mission that Affy might have devised to save him*

*Irv, still slaving away on the ground, wishes he had had the foresight to have sent a distress signal to several young pokémon he has never met. He has a feeling they may be able to help in any Indianna Jones style rescue mission that Affy might have devised to save him*

SANTA ZARQUANA VOOSTRA! FOUR!?!?


[Ketsar] }Er, well, they sort of gathered.{

[Poxlu] {They said that Earth isn't off-limits as long as we don't get the attention of civilizations.}

[Pikachu] [Pika-ing with English subtitles] "And we aren't going near any /real/ civilizations."

[Miwihi] Mew!

I've got a bad feeling about this.


*The plane flies overhead, and Affy spots a large group of people. He lands the plane in a secluded clearing, and hops out, narrowly avoiding landing on an extremely poisonous insect that was crawling around, minding its own buisiness*

[Ketsar] }I notice I'm the only male on our team.{

[Poxlu] {Well you can catch some here.} [She hands him a few Poké Balls]

*Affy begins walking through the jungle to the spot on the map, chopping at the underbrush with The Machette*

*As it creeps to noon, Irving is approached by the bossman, a round, fat native -- deceptively fat, as the blubber hides some of the most powerfull muscles that have ever proppelled a whip at Irv's back. Bossman wears the traditional dress of the natives, with a beltbuckle shaped like a gross red skull, the head of their clan's patron god, one of the underworld. Bossman begins to speak*

(Bossman, in subtitles)- Blue man! Today is your lucky day. We're taking you to meet Jih'a'h*. You can meet him tonight at midnight. Come, we must prepare you.

*Irving hesitates, not wanting at all to meet Jih'a'h. A tall native behind him brings a rock down on his head, and he wakes up, perhaps an hour later, back under the earth, dressed as one of the natives, with red body paint on his chest, and black paint around his eyes*

I've got a bad feeling about this.

*Jih'a'h is this tribe's name for their god of the underworld.

*Affy wanders through the woods, and comes to a spot near the marked area on the map. He peruses the ground, and sees footprints. And one set of feet that is wearing shoes. Affy watches the footprints for a minute, and sees that the feet were dragged away. Silently, Affy readies his sword and OmeGauntlet, and stealthily follows the trail, using several anti-detection tricks he learned on the many adventures that he has taken part in*

*Irv is given another cup of coffee -- unfortunately, this is causing him digestive system distress -- and forced to walk across hot coals to prove his "worthiness" to meet this pagan diety.*

*Affy notices a path that leads underground. The trail seems to lead into this path, so he sets his lantern on "low", and cautiously enters, using every skill he knows to ready himself for booby traps or ambushes*

*Irving, having passed the first test, is lead to a maze, through which he must travel, avoiding pitfalls and booby traps using these three clues:

1) Death's Head -- Only by submitting may he pass.

2) The Serpent's Tounge -- Only by finding the true words may he proceed

3) The Eyes of Jih'a'h -- Allow Jih'a'h to guide you through the darkest night to your goal

He enters the maze, and soon comes to a large Skull engraved on the wall. Obviously the Death's Head.*

"Only by submitting may he pass..." *Irv's mind races back to a college course where he learned that the word "Muslim" means to submit. He doesn't know why, but it seems significant*

"What do Muslims do when they pray? They prostrate themselves..."

*Quickly Irv falls to the ground, touching his forehead to the earth in true Muslim style. A large boulder rolls over the tracks that he hadn't seen just half a foot above where his head is now. It would have killed him.*