h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As you may or may not know, I have the enormous pleasure of having become a father just under a year ago. My little one is getting to an age where he recognises and responds to nursery rhymes, so I've started singing to him.

However, I started singing "Twinkle twinkle little star", and was offended by its casual acceptance of ignorance. I do NOT "wonder what you are" - I *know*. Hence I've modified the lyrics as follows:

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Two times ten to the twenty seven tonnes
Of fusing hydrogen and helium
Twinkle twinkle little star
Now I know just what you are.

This is the version my boy will be learning.

I'm keen to expand my repertoire, so I'm canvassing for nursery rhymes.

Requirements:
1. based on a recognisable popular nursery rhyme/song/whatever
2. scientifically accurate and promoting knowledge, kindness, tolerance and equality and all that good stuff
3. IT MUST SCAN, as much as possible.

I look forward to your submissions.

Jill and Jack
Turned on the tap
To get a bucket of water.
Jack did moan
When in dropped his phone;
He used words he shouldna oughter

<BB<

Tolerance of differences is in

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean,
And so betwixt them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.

except that licking platters is not the message you want your child to get...

Also, most nursery rhymes have not been set to music.

Little boy blue is charming the way it is.

Oh the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He broke their resolve with sadistic drills
By forcing the b*stards to footslog up hills
And when they had lost any sense of emotion,
Their broken resolve became slavish devotion.

[That will feed the nihilism and distrust of the average 20-year-old, but I expect it would go over the heads of tots.....]

I wouldn’t rewrite this one, but just to say we had this book when I was young - a translation of Heinrich Hoffmann’s ‘Struwwelpeter’. It scared me rigid, and I can still remember some of the rhymes word for word today:

http://youtu.be/1YShvM678AM

My favourite rhymes on the other hand were Dr Seuss - a literary genius. Again, I wouldn’t dare try to rewrite any.

A classical source of moral and ethical rhymes is Blake’s ‘Songs of Innocence and Experience’. People often give this as a christening gift.

http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Songs_of_Innocence_and_Experience.html?id=1V8CAAAAQAAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y

To a child it does not matter about the meanings. It's the repetitiveness that matters. It's a way to encourage speech in toddlers. And an example of a great modern nursery rhyme is The Wheels of the Bus Go Round and Round. You then can add what ever lyrics you choose like including grandparents and animals and the relevant noises made by the individuals.

An odd and incongruous coincidence that a set of writings by a person named Blake should be referred to, when the reasoning of the opening post is aimed at depriving the youngest of whimsy and fantasy.

I can see the 'pleasure' of Hoovooloo Jr, in earliest years in school. While the other children sing of and dream of flying friendly dragons and fantastic places of flight? Junior will be alone and aside, pondering wing span needs, thin air beyond heights. What elemental components might cause that visual pink or soft blue hue of the sky?

And while every other child becomes a part of the social environment, Junior becomes an unfathomable and distanced (read as unwelcome) "Dr Sheldon Lee Cooper" - - - just not one of us.

Accuracy and 'critical thinking' has many years to develop. There is no need to skip the warm and soft fuzzy animal charicatures in the crib and replace them with astronomically precision models of the universe.

This being just my opinion as a father, grandfather and great-grand-father.

You could do worse than read the poems of Edward Lear to children.

Or, for that matter, the poems in Lewis Carroll's two "Alice" books.

Bluebottle: thank you! That's the sort of thing.
Icy North: that's a bit much, and also does't really scan... And the boy will be very much getting as much Seuss as he can take. And Carroll and Lear.
Rev Nick: "depriving the youngest of whimsy and fantasy." Not at all. It just struck me that "I wonder what you are" seemed, in 2019, the wrong message to be sending. We KNOW what they are, thanks. Why not share it?
"While the other children sing of and dream of flying friendly dragons and fantastic places of flight? Junior will be..."
Actually in flight with his dad, most likely.
You strike me as one of those types who thinks knowing things takes away the mystery, instead of making it deeper and richer.
"Junior becomes an unfathomable and distanced (read as unwelcome) "Dr Sheldon Lee Cooper""
Yeah, I can't imagine for a moment why I would want my child to grow up like a character who is:
- incredibly intelligent
- holding down a steady job
- earning more money than he knows what to do with
- in a steady, faithful relationship with someone he lives
- an actual Nobel prize winner (spoiler if you haven't see the last episode)
Who'd want a kid like that?
"There is no need to skip the warm and soft fuzzy animal charicatures in the crib"
Who said I'm skipping them? His favourite book is Hairy McClairy. I'm just on the lookout for bits of minor eccentricity I can introduce into his life at an early stage. Lighten up.

Reading your reply, I had a "vision". At dinner, you might ask the lad "how was your day?"

His reply will be about 10 minutes long, just parsing the meaning of your question.

You, in turn, will consume maybe 25 minutes parsing his response.

And so on until the clock chimes midnight and you both realize that dinner has gone very cold.

Here's a funny contemporary one about Sarah Sylvia Cynthia Stout, who would not take the garbage out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ygF7Y6ppLw

It makes me laugh every time I hear it , and it's based on things little kids are likely to run into. Plus, it's got long lists of things, another plus.

Rev Nick: it shows how much you know about me or my son if you think either of us would let food go cold... Priorities, man.

And you're portraying a ten minute nit-picking response to "How was your day?" as a negative? I'll take that over a "normal" kid's monotone "s'alright" every single day of the week.

paulh: list things are GREAT. See Hairy McClairy if you haven't already...

" I'm just on the lookout for bits of minor eccentricity I can introduce into his life at an early stage" [Hoovooloo]

I was well into my adulthood before I read any of Edward Gorey's books such as "Gashleycrumb tinies." Maybe the eccentricity there goes far beyond minor, though. Tom Lehrer's songs (see edited guide) are humorous and eccentric, but alas not necessarily for children as old as yours.

If there is a good children's librarian in your nearest public library, you might get some ideas from her (usually children's librarians are women, though I've known some men as well). I sometimes helped with children's library programs, but I can't presume to know as much about the literature as a children's librarian. For one thing, great new books are constantly coming out.

I'll be back in a minute with a list of "greatest children's books of all time", which I compiled from numerous sources, but I offer it with some caveats...

I've copied the list into a guide article. I'm aware that it probably n eeds more work, but here it is as is.

here's a link to it: A87942694

Nope! This list doesn't include Uncle Shelby's ABZ Book. Your list is invalid!

http://www.abebooks.com/first-edition/UNCLE-SHELBYS-ABZ-BOOK-Primer-Tender/58067416/bd#&gid=1&pid=1
(multiple pics)

But that's a "primer for adults only." I didn't think Hoovoolo would want to hurry adulthood. But I could be wrong.

Oh, pish-posh!


That's some gobbledygook added by a nutless publisher. Shel Silverstein clearly subtitled it "A Primer for Tender Young Minds".


Here are a few selections:

~~~~~~~~~
I IS FOR INK
INK IS BLACK AND WET.
INK IS FUN.

WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH INK?

WHAT RHYMES WITH INK?

"D R _ _ _"


~~~~~~~~~~~

P IS FOR PONY

SEE THE PONY

THE PONY LIVES IN THE GAS TANK
OF DADDY'S CAR.

HE MAKES THE CAR GO.

THAT IS CALLED
"HORSE POWER".

MAYBE THE PONY IS HUNGRY_

POUR SOME NICE SUGAR INTO THE GAS TANK.
PONIES LOVE SUGAR.

WHEN DADDY GETS HOME TELL HIM YOU FED THE PONY.
MAYBE HE'LL BUY YOU A COWBOY SUIT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nutless publishers are probably not a rare breed.