h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In Star Trek, replicators can make stuff for you, at the push of a button. What I can't understand (perhaps this has happened in an episode I've not watched) is why no-one has subverted the process to make anything a bit more weird* or fun. If I had a replicator, I'd be wanting to make bizarre things just for the fun of it, like mashed potato with tiny edible LCD screens in it, a 3D Mona Lisa, or diamond-encrusted moose-poo.

Wouldn't you?


*don't even think of trying to explain to me if it "couldn't" be done; it's fiction.

I'd replicate... mainly.... bacon some people... no imagination

Oh, and of course, a tiny little pigmy bondage pony, which would fit more easily into the bathroom than the one that is taking up all the room at the moment.... and tiny little chinchillas with spiked collars.... and ... other stuff *thinks*

Well, I'd have a couple of clones to start. Ones that *like* housework and paperwork and mowing the lawn.

Sadly as the replicators only do inanimate stuff my original idea won't work..

I can't help thinking though that one would soon get bored if one could replicate anything you wanted to..

I'd like a lobster in the shape of...a lobster.

I'd call it Malcolm. We could have the most wonderful chats.

I'd make a portable replicator disguised as a top hat. Unable to distinguish my technology from magic, entire viewing audiences would worship me as a god.

I would replicate those hard-to-find CDs that only I seem to be interested in, but which cost $50.00 or more.

>>Sadly as the replicators only do inanimate stuff my original idea won't work..

Although since we can already grow muscle tissue, and indeed replicate stuff (albeit at a molecular level so far), maybe we really could recreate living things.

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned this yet: I'd replicate more replicators!

Good idea! Then I could have two lobsters.

nearly Just Bob - the trick is replicate a replicator that is in the process of replicating a replicator that is...

Some rules: Trek replicators can replicate meat, but not living tissue. Some technobabble about only being able to replicate at the molecular level rather than the quantum level needed to produce live tissue. Nothing bigger than the delivery box - and given that the replicator is integrated with the ship's plasma energy systems and matter stream distributor, you couldn't just replicate another replicator, because you'd need another warp core to power it. So that's out...

I'd replicate a visually identical copy of the door to my quarters that was a single molecule thick, instruct the computer to lock open my door, then put the fake door in its place. Then I'd go for a beer in Ten Forward, fake out being drunk so that someone would escort me back to quarters, then when they tried to open the door I'd stand up and go "It's OK, I've got this", take a run up, and run straight through the door.

I'd replicate a medical tricorder that gave weird readings, then go for a medical and surreptitiously replace the doctor's instrument with my hookie copy. They'd be baffled by the fact that although they could see perfectly well that I'm a middle aged human with slightly elevated cholesterol, their instrument would show me to be a healthy young Klingon with an enormous wang.

I'd replicate a face mask that made me look like the captain of the ship and walk around with it on.



I had an idea years ago that if transporter technology worked, it would affect our toilet habits. If you can beam a human out of a cave on a planet below, then it's trivially easy to beam the poo out of my colon and the urine from my bladder. Bodily wastes would be beamed straight to the mush tank where the raw material for food replication is kept (yummy).

One upshot of this is that everybody on a starship could go for months or years between visits to the toilet. They'd come to forget what it's like to be desperate for the loo. They might even lose the ability to recognise what the feeling means. That could be embarrassing when they get back to earth... Starfleet retirement homes would need a LOT of incontinence pants.

You could save a great deal of space by not having any toilets on board, though. Think how much of the internal volume of the Enterprise D was taken up with enough bogs for over a thousand people.

Eventually you'd reach a point where people would consider going to the toilet an especially disgusting thing that they'd really rather avoid doing if they didn't absolutely have to. They'd certainly not talk about it. You could go for months or years between ever seeing or smelling faeces or urine, or farts for that matter. Any ships computer that could manage a warp core or FTL drive would fine it trivial to use the internal sensors to monitor the internal gas pressure of the digestive system of everyone on board, and beam out any noxious gases before they reach a sphincter.



I've thought about this FAR too much, haven't I?

How about using it to replicate another kind of replicator that doesn't come from Star Trek?

a Stargate one perhaps

Hoo, you have thought about this waaaaay too much.

But I like your thinking. It might well explain why there's no loos on board, or that whenever there's an emergency no one us ever on the bog.

The first thing that I would probably replicate would be my bum.

Like you would with a photo-copier.

(Please tell me I'm not alone on planet stupid).

PP

I'd replicate a fried egg sandwich with chilli chutney and cheese, then a Stargate, a hoverboard and finally a lightsaber.

I must admit I have never experienced the urge to sit on a photocopier.

TRiG.

In my case I would fear for bum injuries from broken glass.

Well, yes, that *would* put me off, *if* I expericed any urge to do it in the first place. Which I don't. I can't be put off doing something I don't want to do anyway, can I?



I am unfamiliar with StarTrek. I am, in fact, unfamiliar with any TV series that has a plot. So I don't know much about replicators. Do they produce only exact copies of an object, or can they manufacture variations on a theme? Do they need an original to copy at all, or can they make something modelled on a computer?

TRiG.