h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

To what extent do lies undermine a relationship?

I'm not talking about the whoppers ("no, I've not slept with your sister" when you're in bed with her at the time) I'm talking about the little lies that smooth things along ("yes I've sorted the car insurance" and then getting off the phone and doing it straight away).

I've a cognitive problem with lying. Some people can't tap their head and rub their tummies at the same time; I can't think one thing and say another. So don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. My concerns aren't moral ones (though there are moral issues with lying), they are cogntitive. So though I feel compelled to tell the truth, I don't feel compelled to tell the *whole* truth.

The flipside of this is that I have only two modes of interacting with people; believing everything by default and believing nothing by default.

So.... how do you feel about being on the receiving end of sweet little lies? From your nearest and dearest?

Ben

(PS - I fully accept that I am the mad one here, by the way.)

"Oh Well", that's a toughie. One thing's for sure, though; you've reminded me of a favourite Peter Green song.

Tell me, truthfully, are you a fan?

Absolutely. Sorry about that, it just came out that way somehow.

But the question it was posed in remains true, of course.

To what extent do lies undermine a relationship?


It depends on being found out ...

I have trouble saying anything other than the complete truth - I have to actively bite my tongue and say nothing when I think the truth is too unacceptable. On the flip side, I believe _everything- that anyone says to me ( face to face ) I am an ever-so-easy target to tease, and a complete patsy for anyone with sinister intentions.

But you were asking more about those situations when a white lie smooths the path of breakfast harmony? I find that if I work out that someone has assured me that, for instance, we are drinking the Italian coffee, where really it is the cheaper stuff from Lidl - then I am physically upset. I only feel secure if everyone else tells 100% of the truth. If they start veering away from it - where will it end up? Give me total honesty. I can take it

Lanzababy, are you my long lost sister? That is EXACTLY how I am.

I hate being lied to. It would end a relationship very quickly. I hate it when people lie about things they don't need to. I don't know about lies to smooth things over, in a way if the eye doesn't see the mind/heart doesn't grieve over it, but that's not the same as lying.

I'm like you Ben, I believe everything or am suspicious of everything. If I caught a boyfriend lying as a habit, or telling big lies when it had already come up how I feel about that, it would be over. I have to be able to trust the people I live with.

I used to be a huge great whoppity liar when I was a kid, because of my upbringing. But I grew up and out of that, and now never lie.

I am lying right now

>> I don't know about lies to smooth things over, in a way if the eye doesn't see the mind/heart doesn't grieve over it, but that's not the same as lying.


Yes they are lies. And that's my point.

I can't process small lies as "not lies". Big or small, my brain reacts the same way.

I actually find the big lies *more* understandable and maybe even more forgiveable; I had a lover once who was cheating on three of us at the same time and I minded that less than someone teling me they like the meal I made when they didn't. I could see why he lied to us about each other, but why lie about something as trivial as cooking for fexxake?

Ben

>>I've a cognitive problem with lying. Some people can't tap their head and rub their tummies at the same time ; I can't think one thing and say another.



Why should we believe you?

http://www.iep.utm.edu/par-liar/

A685055

Being embroiled in someone else's lies when I do or don't know about it. I know its another whole kettle of fish

>> Why should we believe you?


No reason why you should. I notice that a lot of people (you yourself at times, Ed) have got very confused about me in the past because they assumed I was lying about things when in fact I wasn't.

You have me baffled now.

Actually...I think Ive accidentally strayed into ~If I wanted to discuss something serious I wouldnt have made such an obviously facetious remark~ territory.

Ill get me coat.

I knew it was a facetious remark, I just chose to treat it seriously.

As with important stuff like a relationship all depends on context. Little lies can be fun in a trivial situation..humorous and flirtacious...but big stuff is a whole other kettle of fish.

Yep all depends..and the motivation. It's about the person.

I'm not black and white on the issue.

I'm quite curious do you always know what the truth is? I have mixed feelings about things very often and it might take all day to explain the different ways of looking at the same thing...I suppose you and I have a very different cognitive problem.

I'm a great fan of Wilde's, 'The truth is rarely pure and never simple'. And of course, The Importance of being Ernest is entirely built upon people lying to one another in relationships. What do you think of that play?

I disagree Ben. If someone hasn't opened their mouth they can't be lying.