h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Should that be hyphenated?
Just had the idea when visiting 'thought for the day'.
eg 'Why is that every time you open your mouth your bowels work?
or 'As a complete outside, what is your considered opinion of the human race?'

I'm not saying you wifes ugly but when she went to the plastic surgeon he added a tail

oohh favourite put downs after failing to chat up a bloke

Me - would you like to go to the cinema
Bloke - no
Me - shame! you would look so much better in the dark!

Me - Would you fancy dinner sometime?
Another bloke - my girlfriend wouldn't like it.
Me - actually I was hoping she would come too!

And my personal favourite

Bloke - Oi you spilt my pint.
Me - well in that case you haven't got a firm enough grip. You ought to practise more!

My retorte to a womans putdown is as follows:

I ain't got much but it could fill a pram!!

(best done in a geordie or yorkshire accent - don't know why)

very good - that would be enough to scare the hell out of me!

in a loud bar:

Guy : Want to Dance?

Girl : With you, Know way!!

Guy : No, you didn't hear me right, I said YOU LOOK FAT IN THOSE PANTS!!

This post has been removed.

This post has been removed.

"Tell me, what colour is the sky on your home planet?"

And my favourite, which depends entirely on the quality of the previous bullshit for its full effect, but which is devestating when used correctly: "Really?"

Someone: "You're drunk!"

Me: "Yes and you're ugly, but tomorrow i'll be sober..."

The above first said to Betty Boothroyd by Churchill half a century or more ago.

Definitely not Betty Boothroyd. She was a looker and nowhere near the House of Commons fifty years ago - possibly Bessie Braddock, but perhaps Nancy Astor?

I'm not saying you momma's fat when when she passes her handbag from one hand to the other she has to throw it.

I'm not saying shes fat but when she fell over and cut her knee, butter came out.

Her school photo was taken from a helicopter.

Last time she bent over the sun set

Thank you Duncan, you got here before me. It was Bessy Bradock.

BessIE BradDock. Why did I start this? Somedays I wish I had stayed in bed.

Ok...
i knew it was Chuchill, but not who it was adressed to,
it's a good one though

I quite like "Oh, have a *word* with yourself".

Oh, and descriptions of someone's dress sense as "fun", or, even better, "brave", as in:

"What a *brave* choice of colours".

A

The best one I ever heard was told to me by my mate Bryan:

Girl: Hi, .
Bloke: You know, I could have been your father, but the hog beat me over the fence.

This is best said with serious emphasis on 'hog', plus such crushing conviction and obvious glee that it leaves said girl in floods of tears. My mate Bryan's fairly cruel, as you can see...

I thought it was Astor.

That is so cruel!

To be countered by "Yeah well sugar at least that makes me semi human! What is like to come from a gene puddle?"