h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey all. Would the wise and compassionate among you consider this:

What could I say to a young friend who's just discovered that her husband's been unfaithful? (Revenge and backstabbing are not options---)

Thanks.

Is a friend indeed.

You must tell your friend the truth.

she already knows everything. I'm talking words of comfort and condolence, really. I don't want to be trite or shallow. I don't want to say "I'm sorry" in the impotent way most of do when we have no idea how to comfort someone who's grieving.

All you can do is be there for her.

I'm not sure whether I qualify as wise or compassionate, but for what it's worth....

I think the thing to do is just to let her talk and ask her how she's feeling. She's probably not looking for words of wisdom or advice - just someone to listen and recognise what she's feeling. A good thing to try is just reflecting back what she's saying in different words and be reassuring. A good thing not to do is to try and give advice or to say "If I were you I'd...." or to respond with an anecdote of your own from personal experience or that of friends/relations.

"And how does that make you feel?"

Absolutely don't tell her what you think of the dirty cheating scoundrel, because if they patch things up it can get quite awkward.

Otherwise I agree with Otto - people who listen for a living often say that people with problems just want to talk to get them sorted out in your head, so really listen, then sum up for them what they just said.

When I was in a dark place some years ago someone said something I never forgot and really helped me at the time:

If you wake up at 2 in the morning feeling like sh*t I'm at the other of the phoneline.

Thanks, guys, that all right on.

I'm thinking that what I want her to know and understand is that she can lose her composure with me, that she doesn't have to put on a brave face, and that I won't judge her for being honest. She's been so strong, you know, everyone has been saying how well she's taking it, but seriously, I bet she has been wishing she could just cry on somebody's shoulder and say irrational things and just get it out of her system. I may not be that person for her, but if she wants me to be, I'm there.

I'm just afraid I'll stick my well-meaning foot in my mouth.

Don't talk about my self: check

Don't advise: check

basically shut up and let her talk: check

treat her with compassion but as "normal" as possible: check

no romantic comedies: check

make special meal-pasta mixed with "franks and beans": check.
(it's a personal fave of ours--a "left-over" accident gone right)

just be a shoulder to cry on and let her talk, try not to take sides that would be my advice.

Sorry, I have no useful advice whatsoever, but I have to say what a wonderful place H2G2 is. The words from LW, Otto, Mina, GRJ & ES make me proud to be part of this community.

Good luck Messie. It's a nasty position to be in (we all end up there at some point) but, trite as it may sound, you've just got to follow your heart. There's no manual for this kind of thing, so act the way you'd like your friends to act with you.

Hmmm. So much for no advice!

Bear in mind that some people find it impossible to let their feelings show and have a good cry when anyone else is around. I'm like that. If someone appears on the scene when I'm having a good cry to get whatever out of my system, I immediately stop crying and reassure them I'm OK.

This happened years ago when my stepdad died in an accident. I needed to be very together for my mum (she was visiting me at the time and we needed to travel from London to Orkney on a Sunday morning, due to fog we didn't make it til Monday morning) so I didn't cry at all for 24 hours. When we finally arrived a lot of people gathered round mum and I was free to lock myself in the bathroom and let it out - until 2 minutes later when one of my mum's friends knocked on the door to make sure I was alright. I've never managed to release that grief properly since, although time's done it's usual job.

At the time I found the people I got the most comfort from were my dad and my stepmum - they took me to theirs and talked to me about normal everyday stuff. People tend to focus on the tragic event and normality goes out the window - and sometimes normality is the only thing that gets you through.

I think you have to try and gauge what the grieving person needs and try to give them that, rather than what you think they should need. Nine times out of ten it's probably the same thing, though, and I could just be waffling.

Anyway, good luck with your friend - she's very lucky to have you.

Deb

I agree with everything everyone's said here.

Sometimes it's just good to know there 's someone who cares and that it talking to them won't affect the rest of the situation in a bad way.

Sometimes a brief hug is better than words.

And to echo Deborah somewhat - some people may appear a bit cold & detached - it's just their way of coping & not breaking down in public if they'd prefer to keep their grief private. just try to respond in tune with the affected person.

And keep in mind one of the issues is that your friend may be feeling very rejected and the old self esteem is taking a major hit. So this may not be the time to suggest a new haircut, or a spa, or anything that would reinforce that they need a good sprucing up. Of course if your friend finds that stuff relaxing that is one thing, however I remember when this happened to me, my friend needed mega reassurance that it was less about her and more about him having the inability to keep his zipper in an upright position. In his guilt, he squarely placed the blame on her for his cheating. She and I spent alot of time eating mashed potatos and gravy and her crying and me saying "oh" and "aha" alot. The one thing she told me years later was that she appreciated talking to me as everytime she talked to her sisters they called him an idiot and a scum and all sorts of nasty things. Even tho he did treat her bad, at the time she still loved him and these remarks made her feel even more stupid and lowered her self esteem more. So I completely agree on not bashing him for more reasons than one.

How long have you known her?

If you knew her before this relationship, you could have a chat about something you know about her/what she liked and let go/ before she knew this rat.

Remind her she had a life before him and she still has her life.

Don't let her life become this "thing" which is him being unfaithful.

Take her away from the situation.

Take her shopping. Take her for a coffee. Take her on a bus trip you've both never been before. Take her to feed the ducks. Something simple. Just so she doesn't have to think about the situation she's currently in.

Gently remind her that you're available for a girlie night out a meal, or a film, not a nightclub) if and when she decides to dump the rat.

Let her know she won't be alone.

I appreciate your advice!

an update:

She asked me to stay with her for a while, because she's not comfortable being alone. I'm delighted to. A lot of times we talk about normal stuff, but "he" comes up pretty often. A few times I have committed the supposed no-no of using myself as an example, but it has been really useful to her, and she's mentioned later that she thinks about my words and they have encouraged her, made her feel less alone, odd, and wrong. Mostly, though, I offer to help her do whatever she thinks will make her feel better. We cleaned her house yesterday, so she could get his smell out. Simple stuff, but really powerful. I go places with her, and don't butt in when I know she wants to be alone. This is uncharted territory for me, so I'm trying not to do the wrong thing, but really, I think she's counting on me to be myself. She doesn't want to be bitter, or hateful, or treated like fine china. She wants to remember who she was before this guy, and that she can be that way again, albeit older and wiser. Thanks again guys, and if you pray, please pray for her (and if you're feeling charitable, him, too.)

Cleaning is good therapy.

Sounds as if she's making significant progress and you're a good friend.