h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hmm, neer thought O that; could thell them I am a nighthooverite

That might work too

Open the door and say, "Oh, Goodie...you're just in time... We need a 13th for our coven! "

Or, "Do you know a good way to remove blood stains?"

Or.. "Can I interest you in products from the good people at Amway?"

Or... Keep a clip on tie by the door and a previous copy of the Watchtower... open the door and silently mirror them.

Or just shout out from your front room 'Oi! f*** off my porch*.'

It works I'm telling ya


* or the super duper intelligensia non swearing version

"Excuse me but could you please vacate the porch harea forthwith, thankyou."

I suppose a good method might be for me to give them one of my mentally derranged grins, say a level four or 5 derranged grin, and then tell them in my 'i'm a psyco murderer' voice, 'I see god in my head, he talks to me, and so do his little murmaids and nimphs'

I think you should stick to answering the door to JW posses with gun in hand, but just amend it slightly, by quickly changing into a pair of dungarees and a baseball cap before opening the door and then sayin 'naw, which wan a y'awl is gonna squeal lik a pig fer me?'.

If you have a friend/flatmate who could play the banjo in the backgorund at the same time it would be awesome.

welcome to the deep deep south boy I do know a banjo player, shes a very good player plays in a band.... well I think shes very good Its hard to say she's too pretty to pay much attention to her playing

Personally I would find it a tad difficult to tell the difference between a good banjo player and a bad banjo player. They all just go dickle dee dee de dee eee, only good banjo players can dickle faster, other than that they all sound the same. It's like the ukelele, all you have to do is pick one up, pluck a string and shout something out abount your mother and people think you're george formby and, by definition, a decent ukelele player. Or is a banjo actually a ukelele anyway? they could well be one and the same. Wind Instruments, thats where it's really at, there's no mistaking them. A trombone is a trombone and a tuba is a tuba and a saxaphone is a saxaphone. Possibly the coolest instrument of them all that is. The saxaphone. If you knew a pretty girl in a band that played the saxaphone now that would be something roXor.

If you wanna hear a really good banjo player.. listen to Dave Matthews Band.

Or... Billy Connolly.

I don't think bad banjo players play in public... you gotta be pretty sure of what you're doing before you start I think. It's that whole 5 string, one shorter thingy on a snare drum idea.

Now put a bodhran in my hand and I'll scare away the badgers.

Well, shes a loverly face, nice long hair, perfectly formed breasts, nice thin, but not too* thin body, properly shaped hips, nice bum, good proportioned legs, so I think her banjo skills are pretty good relaly....

<>

hmmmm in that case, with no audience, how does a bad banjo player know they have turned the corner and are now 'good'. Perhaps it relies on an inner knowledge of ability, like a jedi, or perhaps there are just loads of really good banjo players out there stuck in playing in their bedroom not brave enough to play for anybody else.

I think they know when they're ready by this simple test...

When they can be simultaneously "pickin'" and "grinnin'".

They are mutually exclusive to the novice.

dickle dee dee de dee eee

oh im just sittin'
a pickin' an' a grinnin'
but I rikken
I mite get meself sum jerk chikken
thas mitey finger likken'

and solo

dickle it dickle it dickle it dickle dee dee de dee dee eee

dickle it dickle it dickle it dickle dee dee de dee dee eee

If your purty friend wants to use them lyrics, 60% of the royalties are mine ya hear.

<>

Even better is to open the door and say "Shalom" If they hate Catholics then they are absolutely terrified of Jews!

I used to live in Surrey and the two regular Jehovah's Witnesses were two li'l old ladies who had only joined up cos the JW's are really good to their old folks and take them on days out and shopping trips and to day centres! They had to spend a certain amount of time every week knocking on doors but it made their poor old legs and feet hurt so i used to invite them in for a cup of tea to waste some time and we'd spend the time comparing prices in Tescos!!! Used to drive my flatmates demented when they came home from work to find the local JW's on the sofa!>biggrin>