h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We have a 'Never Ending Story' thread, so I thought we need a Never Beginning Story thread (what will they think of next, eh?).

The Never Beginning Story is a story that never starts; it never really gets going.

To start off:


I'd often heard mysterious tales of alien abductions: people being taken into the craft of aliens and having numerous experiments carried out on them. I'd often wondered what it would be like to be adbucted by aliens.

One night I was walking my dog on the downs, when a mysterious light in the sky started making its way towards me. I wondered if I was about to experience an abduction first hand.

But it was a plane.

However, at first glance there seemed something extremely peculiar about its lines. It appeared it was going to land at the air-force base.

Waiting until well past 2 am, I cut my way through the perimeter fence, avoided the security dogs and finally approached the plane. I had to know what that odd protuberance from the belly was. A new weapon? A space-age radar system?

No, it was just the mechanic's lunch bag. It seemed to have gotten stuck to a roughly ground rivet. So I went home for a beer and a night's sleep.

In the morning I made my way to the bank. I couldn't help noticing a suspicious looking man hanging around outside the bank. I walked nervously into the bank. I was about to have a word with the bank lady when the man walked into the bank, thrust his hand into his pocket and pulled out a cheque card.

The way it glinted in the morning sun, reminded me briefly of the flash of a sabre and my mind went back to those heady days, but then it was my turn so I put in my card and keyed in my number

collected my cash, without incident, and headed off to the deli for a light lunch.

while waiting for my smoked salmon on rye, the woman in front of me who was VERY pregnant suddenly collapsed to the floor. She complained of stomach pains and said that she was 2 weeks overdue. I asked the assistant to boil water and call for an ambulance and put the "closed" sign in the door - this could get messy.


There was a sinister rumbling from where "my patient" lay and the sky outside darkened. Her face contorted horribly and suddenly.....she belched. "Just wind" she said

I left the deli and crossed the road without incident, so this wasn't to be the day I got run over, rushed to hospital, have a near-death experience and meet a dead relative who informed me I would be returning to earth as 'the one'.

Just up the road, there appears to be an awful lot of smoke coming out of the 2nd floor window. As I approach at a run, I hear the wailing of smoke alarms and a child. I find the front door unlocked as it is the entry-way for a multi-flat home. Rushing up the steps to the floor where I saw smoke, the shrieking cacophany of alarms and child are ear-splitting. I kick in the door, expecting a major conflagration.

Instead, it's just the baby-sitter, applying a bit of water to the dinner's roast beast. It's a bit over-done. As is the diaper of the infant in the crib who gurgles at me with a tooth-less grin. It appears today is not the day to become a nationally-known hero either.

Just mooching along the road on my way home now.

A car pulls up! Kidnap attempt?

No.....just wants to know where the swimming baths are.

I told him where the best swims could be had, then he drove away. I turned down the alley and saw a suspicious looking man crouched over a bundle in a darkened doorway. Had I just witnessed a murder? No, he was picking up a stray dog.

Stepping gently past the "leavings" of said stray dog, I chanced upon a hitherto-previously-unknown sailors pub. Ah, I ponder, pirates of the Carribean? Black-market merchants? I step inside with caution to find, ... just an old smokey pub with nothing at all odd about it.

I went inside and stepped to the bar. The barman had a wicked scar over his right eye. He scowled at me and reached beneath the bar and pulled out a... pint glass.

While sipping gently, and warily eyeing the environment, I noticed something odd about the glass. There appeared to be distinctive hazy bits that, if you crossed your eyes a bit, might be a map. For treasure? For sunken ships? To where-ever Jimmy Hoffa ended up? Swirling the ale about, the map disappeared. It was just poorly washed glass.

A man in the corner with his hat low over his eyes had been watching me since I came in. He got up, and walked towards me with a threatening air. Was I about to be in a fight?

No, he just wanted to order another pint.

After receiving his pint, the man looked back to me. He showed his teeth as dirty, sharp and seemingly carnivorous. His eyes exhibited a manic glint, sending a shiver up my spine. He banged the glass down on the counter, spilling some of the beer onto the wooden surface. Then he rolled up his sleeves, still staring at me.

"Do you come here often?" he asked, suddenly smiling.

I hadn't seen my brother in twenty years. I could still remember playing happily as children. OH, how I wanted to find my long lost brother. Every day I had though about him. LORD JUST LET ME FIND HIM! But not today. This bloke didn't look anything like him.

...But the man standing behind him looked familiar...

I pushed the manic-looking person in front of me aside, and strode towards the person who had caught my eye. He was sipping a cognac. But it was definitely not my brother.

"Do you know a Mr. Fuddlesome?" I asked the man, Mr. Fuddlesome being the name of my brother.

"Fuddlesome..." the man mumbled, "That sounds familiar..."

"Yes?"

"Mr. Fuddlesome. Yes. I think I do know that name. Let me think..."

"Yes?" I said, eager with anticipation to hear news.

"Oh I know! It's the name of my sister's cat. I thought I knew the name from somewhere!"

Suddenly it occured to me that the pub looked like a pub would have done in the war era. The decor was 40s. And everyone was wearing clothes from that era. The prices were 1940s prices too! I'd seen a TV programme where a man from the modern times went back in time and found a pub in the war era. Had I discovered a secret portal into the 40s?

I came down to earth with a bump.

"Well, the Goodnight Sweetheart theme day has gone really well" said the barman.

A sudden cry:
"I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!"
A panic attack?
A fire?
Nope.
Animals on the juke box again.

Finally, I left the bar and made my way back down the alley towards the street. I walked the few short blocks to my office and when I got there, my boss was waiting for me. Was I about to be fired? No, he just had a question about the project I did last week.